Rus Articles Journal

After the delivery: fatigue and sense of guilt. How to help young mother? All know

how to hard newly made mother at first, but each woman hard in own way. The first one and a half months after the daughter`s birth I was just on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The condition of depression and tearfulness did not abandon me. I broke on all and everything, was aggressive, quick-tempered, nervous. And even if tried to restrain - nothing was impossible.

my disgraceful behavior was nothing else as manifestation of notorious of a postnatal depression . Before childbirth I, of course, about it read. But did not expect at all that it, appears, such artful state which I will not be able to control.

Actually it is called “a syndrome of postnatal grief“ or “short-term depressive episodes“ which happen at most of women after the delivery and several weeks last.“ Postnatal depression“ - much more serious state demanding a psychotherapy course. It lasts from six months to one year and is characterized by despondency, sleeplessness, loss of interest in the child and world around, sense of guilt, fatigue, irritation, tendency to tears, hysterics, appetite loss, headaches. In such cases not to do without the professional help.

I lightened

only in one and a half months. It came somehow suddenly. As though someone clicked fingers and - time! - everything in a moment changed. The day regimen was adjusted, gripes and crying without the reason disappeared. I as though drove on the necessary track, found ours with Dasha the general rhythm. We understood each other, between us deep connection was established. But the most important - my nervousness and vanity gradually came to naught: I did not feel as the tense string any more. I could control the behavior, the emotions again and began to notice more and more reasons for pleasure around.

In general one and a half - two months after the delivery (that is the first six - eight weeks) are that period which is taken away by the nature on restoration of all functions of a female organism, stabilization of a lactation and morale. All these six - mother and the kid get used eight weeks not only to new life, but also to each other, study mutual understanding. This hard time of “grinding in“ cannot but just be!.

Symptoms of “postnatal grief“

of the Reason

What relatives need to know?

Strange behavior of young mother - not a whim and not whims. To the person it is bad! It is not necessary to appeal to its maternal feelings, conscience, reason and will power (from your appeals it will only be worse). She and is not lovely to itself, but cannot “get it together“. Now it does not need notations, arrangements and empty councils. It needs warm words of support, attention and the REAL help (to buy products, to prepare to eat, clean the apartment, to take a walk with the kid).


that you love it. Show so that she felt it.

What mother needs to know?

If not to wind itself and not to cultivate sense of guilt - everything will pass soon. It is necessary to wait only a little - through 6 - 8 weeks the organism and a state of mind will return to normal. Do not struggle with yourself, you have the right for any emotions. Accept them, recognize and splash out. You share experiences with relatives, you say about what you feel, it will help them to understand you. Ask (!) about the help and support.

do not think that you some “not such“ that you do not correspond to an image of ideal mother (ideal mothers do not exist). You are a remarkable mother. Know: the closer you to the child, the quicker there will pass “the postnatal grief“ . In interaction with the little man who just came to our world you will get used to the new role and will find new yourself.

History of my friend

of the boy Olya bore

very carefully. Implemented all recommendations of the doctor, watched herself. The only thing that seriously disturbed the girlfriend - a disease of kidneys (pyelonephritis). From - for it Ole was necessary to spend not one week in infectious office of the chosen maternity hospital. Exactly there also found its beginning of childbirth.

Childbirth took place

perfectly: unexpectedly quickly and even, one may say, cheerfully. But after a joyful event, to general amazement, Olya felt badly. Sharply hemoglobin level fell in blood, overcame weakness. The girlfriend could exist only in horizontal position. All attempts were allowed to rise with huge work. The uterus was reduced very painfully, the head hooted, forces were not on anything.

the Morale of Olya was not better than

at all. The son Maksik it... was afraid. When from children`s office brought it the child, she mechanically tried to feed him and could not wait when it is carried away back. If the kid during short moments of their communication began to cry, the girlfriend froze with horror. She did not know how to calm him, was nervous.

such - weak, broken, demoralized - Olya came back home. On the road it was captured by panic. She understood how it was quiet and easy in maternity hospital. And as will terribly and difficult be at home, alone with a small lump which she also is not able to look after - that plainly. The car not just carried it home, it carried it to other life. And Olya was not abandoned by feeling that she was born recently and starts life with a clean slate.

the Future did not promise to

anything good. Newly made mummy hardly moved legs. But the most awful was what to the son for whose appearance she with such ecstasy waited Olya of N e felt NOTHING. Neither love, nor tenderness. She did not want to take it on hands once again, to stroke, press to heart, to kiss. In soul there was an emptiness.

the Girlfriend existed automatically: looked after Maksik, fed him on demand, kept to a diet. But did it purely mechanically. Without internal rush, without desire. At first she even by name the son did not call.

the Girlfriend herself could not understand

how it could happen to it? She never stinted emotions, feelings always overflowed her. More sincere person, than Olya, I did not meet yet. She lives heart, but after the son Olino`s birth heart as though hardened.

Only in a month after the delivery Olya gradually began to recover. And in its case “to recover“ it is worth taking literally: that is to come back in former “I“, again to test all scale of human feelings, to rejoice, worry and... to love. To love the long-awaited son.

What can interfere with manifestation of maternal feelings?

Sometimes feelings to the child arise not at once. On that is a variety of reasons and not always only hormonal. Here the most widespread of them.

  1. From - for the births of the child did not carry out important vital plans on which mother laid special hopes (for example, it was forced to interrupt promising sports career in which so many forces and means were put) therefore the kid is perceived as a hindrance on the way to the desired purpose. More widely: the child can be perceived as a hindrance in life in general (he prevents to sleep, communicate with friends and to build career).
  2. the been born kid is not similar
  3. at all to that angel who was presented to mother in dreams: it inconsistent and ugly, it is unclear what demands, it is impossible to come into contact with it. It at all not what she so waited for...

From here conclusion: you should not draw a concrete image of future child in imagination. The living kid - at least first - precisely will not fit into him.

Pregnancy and childbirth took place
  1. very hard, and the child in this case involuntarily becomes a source of painful sufferings. Clarification by pleasure does not happen, pain is not forgotten, feelings to the kid do not come.
  2. the Kid is very similar
  3. to the person who causes in mother strong negative emotions (the left child`s father, the “beloved“ mother-in-law), and the negative “intended“ absolutely to other person is as if transferred to the child.
  4. Discrepancy of temperaments and other personal features of mother and kid (mother with weak nervous system - the excitable child: he loudly shouts and requires a lot of attention, and to mother it is bad from continuous noise, she is not able to be in contact with the child, to feel and be glad to it).
  5. In a parental family where mother grew, and it was perceived as norm. Mother did not absorb in herself feeling of love and heat and now cannot “transfer“ them to the child.

From where the maternal instinct undertakes

U us still can be said to

about “maternal instinct“, that it is put in each of us. But human feelings are not programmed in us, no. To give birth to the child - does not mean right there to fall in love with him. To become mother - does not mean at once to feel it. These feelings are got : through close communication, the general experiences, pleasures and tests.“ Maternal instinct“ - not a bulb: lit and shines. It should be raised in itself. As delicate flower.

Therefore if now you do not feel love to the native kid - do not accuse yourself. Yes, in our society the love to the child is as if a duty of the modern parent, and the one who has misfortune not to love the cub, is perceived as mentally defective person. But sense of guilt will not bring closer you to the child , it will only prevent warm feelings to reveal as most often only strengthens rejection of that person before which we consider ourselves guilty.


: everything will be - both acceptance of the kid, and understanding of the new status, and pleasure of motherhood. What to do that it came quicker? to Press the rebyatenka to itself, to kiss (even if so far there is no wish at all), constantly to iron, talk to it, to sing songs, to carry on hands (in a baby sling), it is obligatory to nurse . And let the whole world will wait.

How to get rid of “postnatal grief“:

From the book “the Kid. Mother`s happiness“