Husband and wife. When humiliates the closest. Be not the victim!
Alas, it occurs much more often than it seems at first sight. And then, when we in good mood when we achieved something when the result of our efforts is obvious... And most often close people from whom it would be desirable to wait for support seek to demoralize us. Or at least kind words, smile. Sometimes it seems that we are not loved. And even absolutely on the contrary.
Here examples. > to you it is pleasant to
of p how you look as put on today. At heart birdies sing. There is a wish to smile to all around.
Suddenly a remark from the husband or mother:
- Where you so dressed up? To frighten crows? (Options there is a lot of, sense one.)
I the mood for some reason falls.
you long work on something that gives you a sheer pleasure. At last, you want to show the work to the expert in that business with which you are so with enthusiasm busy.
- you Think, it though will be interesting to someone?
U you great mood, guests gathered, you laid a fine table, all rejoice. Time came at last and to you to relax, have a rest after all efforts connected with cooking, laying... You have fun, laugh loudly over plain jokes of guests...
- Behave decently!
Agree - it happens quite often. Internally from such words you twitch, as from a slap in the face. And like anything special. But you lose for some reason forces. There is no pleasure left. And self-confidence vanishes instantly. And on the other hand - whether it is necessary to react violently? Well, told and told. Anything especially rough... It seems... What it me destroys from within, is a question of my character. Not without reason he (she) all the time says to me that character at me bad. I should change!.here - you see
I? - we are already demoralized. We any more also have no forces to be themselves, to try to obtain the, to go the course of life. All this is not so innocent as it seems.
- Why we will be demoralized by relatives and darlings. Why? Yes it is very simple: out of jealousy. There is such jealousy - without scenes, fights, shouts, hysterics, examination who when with whom and why... Happens when loving destroys yours “I“, creates installation: “Well, to whom you are necessary, except me, worthless such...“to
It is terrible to trust in it! It is done by the dearest person... Is that so! It seemed to me... And here we suffer... Very long we suffer. And, happens, we break. We lower hands. We submit to circumstances of life which to us are imposed by the partner.
even more terrible way of demoralization Is. I will give a vital example. This time not the girlfriend or acquaintance. My own. I long was silent about details of the family life with the first husband just because it was a shame to me with behavior of the loved one. I tried to cover it. To make its image in the opinion of others more attractive, perhaps. It gives nothing. Only drives you into a bog of which not all - that and will be able to get out. And life is destroyed as if it is gnawed by greedy rodents from within.
Trouble that my husband suffered from - for own complexes grown in it by his education since the childhood. We in this regard were very different. But I married in marriage for love, dreamed to have many children, to live long and happily. I in general was a joyful and creative person. Was not afraid of difficulties, trusted in the forces. And here that occurred. At the moments of my some achievements or just special pleasure the husband got drunk. He in life, in usual life (not in an alcohol intoxication) was the person who is well brought up, not allowing shadows of roughness and rudeness. But when got drunk, its place as if was occupied absolutely by other person. Perhaps, even not the person. Cattle. And here this cattle was able to afford all. Dirty curses, shouts, any manifestations of rage.long could not understand
Ya why all this occurs then when everything is especially good? Then, when to us to rejoice together? I could not assume also thought that the husband thus revenges me for my progress. Seeks to break, demoralize me, to destroy morally. How many time I at it, sober, tried to find out a real trifle:- it is good
, you got drunk (nothing good, but is fine...) . So come home and go to bed. Just fall asleep. Tomorrow all for work. And children already sleep. Why to lift scandal? Why to awake all? Why children`s tears, my horror, sobbings?
He usually answered that he remembers nothing. And I even felt sorry for him. It at it pathological intoxication whether you understand... There`s nothing to be done.
I here, many years later, everything cleared up: jealousy and envy. He felt small. It would seem what it is simpler than - try to obtain you! Work, persist, try, trust in the forces... But it was beyond a power to my satellite. It was easier for it to push off and crush me, than to work and try.
it is A lot of years, forces and health left at me on that to understand it! And conclusions arose. Regularities were traced. Drunk scandals arose every time when everything is good. It did me unfortunate. And, having received a dose of my tears and sufferings, behaved as silk next day. Love, tenderness, attention. And only one requests for forgiveness. And me only somewhere somehow to gain strength... And this feeling of full emptiness ahead...
It the most dangerous symptom was p>
, but I already also did not think of myself... I lied to myself. I did not dare to admit that my husband me purposefully destroys. And not only me. I lied to people around, creating pathetic scenery of safe family life. I downwind started up the forces which were presented to me from the birth. unripe approach to own life, to own way was p>. Many years passed until I understood: he ego-trips at my expense. It here in the sadistic way. And the most correct - to leave. To forget all bad. And to live further. But already without this dependence on his desire to drink. Without of codependence ...
Ya received a response to the post in the blog once. The speech in it went about alcoholism. And my interlocutor wrote that they had at institute one wise teacher who advised them, to little girls - students:“ If the husband drinks, pledges the word to improve, but all the same drinks, do not suffer more than three years. It will not be better. Also do not hope. Further - it is only worse“. This wise teacher is absolutely right. Further - it is only worse. I learned it on own experience. I needed years again to believe in themselves, to find forces and to cease to feel the victim.
It. But its beginning was in seeing accurately and clearly what I allow to do with myself. To understand that it is necessary to judge not by beautiful sweet words, and by affairs. And to draw conclusions!
If you feel that this subject in something is close to you, let`s think together.Answer with
to yourself questions: whether
- Happens to you terribly before irascibility of the partner? whether to
- It happens that you concede to the partner for fear of his anger or irritation?
- If your partner gets into an unpleasant or difficult situation whether you have a desire to rush on its rescue? whether you Justify with
- improper treatment of the partner with yourself before others and before by itself? whether you Suffer
- if the partner in anger or irritation pushes, kicks or beats you? whether you Find
- a justification to behavior of the partner that his father also behaved with his mother?
- your decisions about the life and communication with friends, relatives depend on desires and reactions of your partner?
some questions in the affirmative, attention: you show the characteristic features peculiar to the victim.
Jealousy not a sign of love
If your partner is jealous you without any bases, but explains the jealousy with manifestation of love to you and cares of you - be not under a delusion. You accept its rules. Further it will only be worse. Jealousy not a sign of love. The jealousy - a signal that your partner feels fear and feels unprotected. There is no your fault here though he also will be inclined to accuse you as required.the Jealous man under the guise of deep love will arrange with
to you vigilant supervision. With whom spoke by phone? With whom you correspond? Why went to parents? Why you pay to children too much attention? There will be also bans to work (for fear that there it is possible to meet another), there will be also venomous remarks on friends...
to you likes total control? You reconcile to it, believing that it and is true love to you? At first will say to you that care for your safety. Will become angry then that you were late at work. Even if you exactly were late at work, and it is known and proved.
you will be asked in detail where you were to whom and about what talked.
Gradually will not remain any sphere of your life which your partner, up to housekeeping would not control, the choice of clothes, a make-up. Money of a family will be under control too.
Get accustomed to the satellite as soon as you begin to meet it. The jealous man, and also the person inclined to family violence, usually insists on as soon as possible to get married. He says that he fell in love at first sight that you only that your meeting - it destiny, etc.
you do not hurry. Look narrowly. Several months - too short term to understand that it is possible to wait from the person in the future.
Then, pay attention: whatever arose a problem, it will find a way to accuse of it anyone, but not itself(himself). And first of all the wife becomes object of charge. It hampers its personal growth. It irritates him. It distracts it. She incorrectly behaves with it... Thus, over time his wife becomes the main source of troubles and problems of the person of no character. He will begin to afford insults. The rough word told accidentally, offensive tone... These are not trifles. And it is impossible even to assume thoughts at all that in others roughness turned to you, you are guilty.even if it you will strike
I, he will explain it with the fact that you are guilty of it: finished it.I Repeat
: you do not hurry to connect the life with the person until you knew him rather well. Do not allow to demoralize yourself. Do not turn to the causticities told in your address and roughnesses a deaf ear. Get rid of the relations bearing to you pain and sufferings. Your life. You appreciate it. Take care. Get rid of fears. They only prevent to make the correct decision. Arrive as the mature person.to
From the book “To the mature woman possesses the world.
How to be happy in the world of men“