Parents and children: how to improve the relations with the baby and the teenager of
At what moment the normal level of communication between children and parents is broken? How to understand the reasons and to correct errors?
In parental care there is something more important, than simple care of the kid - communication is also necessary for the child, as well as food! If mother or other adult who is constantly caring for the kid with whom emotional contact is possible, it is available - with the baby everything is as it should be. At the same time contact should not be “ideal“ at all, that is take hundred percent of time of wakefulness of the kid - it has to be simply “rather good“.in the first years of his life until as it will begin to speak about itself “I“, just and the basic, unconditional level of communication with parents gives Vynyanchivaniye`s
of the child. It appears, the babies who are constantly keeping in contact with the mothers within the first year of life transfer easier separation from them when become more senior.At first the child feels
inseparably linked with mother, but gradually moving away from it, he becomes more independently, begins to study world around. Contact with mother gives to confidence and helps the kid to rely on the forces: the child keeping in contact with mother gets used to trust, and the feeling of trust favors to independence development.That is why at this age mother`s exit to work is extremely undesirable
- he is possible only in extreme circumstances. If mother in the first two years of life of the kid sees it a little, communication will be or weakened, or, on the contrary, too disturbing, neurotic, painted by sense of guilt and deprived true keenness. It is important that the adult had for the child both time, and attention!life long Dialogue If communication between the identity of the parent and the child is established to
, between them dialogue which lasts all life is started. This conversation with the first children`s questions, with well-known “Why begins?“ and “And it that?“. The child grows, his questions become more serious: “From where I undertook?“, “Where I was when I was not?“, “Why it is impossible to see God?“ . In many respects proceeding from answers to these questions the child builds the personality and the outlook.
Intense dialogue between children and parents - feature of present time. Still some hundred fifty years ago in a traditional family communication of children and parents was perceived absolutely differently and shown rather in obedience and honoring of parents.
Today in big cities people live in the shattered world where even related communications collapse, not to mention simple human which are adjusted worse and worse. Life is accelerated, in a pursuit of prosperity, personal or career development people are inclined to forget about the simplest things - rest, communication, the nature, a prayer. We run we feel mechanicalness of own life more and more sharply. And even spending a lot of time with the child, actually we do not communicate with it on the present, and only “we operate as object“: we transport from occupation on occupation, we carry out this or that program of education, improvement or development!
What family - such is a communication quality
the Communication quality, otherwise, “the psychological distance“ between parents and the child can be very different: families differ among themselves not less, than planets of Solar system. What is absolutely normal and natural to one family can seem wild and absurd for another. Distinctions concern all parties of family life, but they are especially notable in relation to a communication quality with the child.
In many modern families the child takes the central place. To it all semantic lifelines of a family meet. From the child of what wait for that, very much worry about him, hope for his progress. The child is not perceived as “the boy / girl in itself“, but as “the son of the mother“, “the granddaughter of the grandmother“, “the great-grandson of the ingenious academician“, “the daughter of the talented ballerina“. And this community of adults which included not only the father and mother, but grandmothers and grandfathers, and at times uncles and aunts is frequent, does not feel those signals that the child sends. The child wants to run away from it, “to go to refusal“. “It is difficult for me to be the Child from capital letter! To me it is stuffy from your expectations! I just want to play!“ - the child the behavior can speak.by
In this situation detsko - parental communication, certainly, will be weakened as parents of the child do not hear - to them only own dream of the child, the plan for it, but not his real experiences is distinct.
I the heaviest option of such families - when the child not just in the center of attention, and on a throne. He feels the domination and from preschool age well knows that in a family only his desires are heard. Parents bring up in the child a peculiar deafness to everything, except own desires. And in such situation of the real communication, good contact with the kid is not present: the child sets rules of the game, but he is not able to cope with them. As a result the incapacitated and short-sighted little tyrant grows.
families with incredibly close relations not only between small children and their parents, but also between generations Happen. In such families it is impossible to sit down at a table alone, and the independent trip is considered a crime somewhere.
But families where the emotional proximity and close connection - not only children with parents, but also all with all - is considered something superfluous, almost indecent happen. Quite often the father works at home, mother is at home, and the child the most part of time too at home., It seems, all family members nearby... but not together, everyone buried in the screen: the father - in the computer, mother - in the TV, the child - in the game console... A such family - the refrigerator in which manifestation of emotions can be considered as lack of culture and violation of borders. The child growing in such atmosphere will have specific ideas of what is communication with parents.
In conflict families with communication of children and parents it can be difficult too. In such families are on friendly terms surely “against someone“, and such approach can leave a mark on personal style of the child. If we are on friendly terms with the father now - that obligatory against mother. Or if we are close to mother - that against the grandmother. At the child the stereotype can quite be created: the love and communication are always war and hostility. It will begin to divide the world on personal and others`, into friends and enemies.
To teenage age the child does not estimate critically parents and a communication quality with them. He takes the family for granted, just belongs to it. It is natural to it how breath while the communication quality with parents influences how the human relations in general will be perceived by the child.
When breaks communicationby
Let`s try to designate the most typical life situations in which there can be a break, loss or temporary disruption of communication with our child and to offer ideas for each of these cases.
- We can not keep up with the speed of development of the child, behind the changes happening to it and to the child can seem that nobody in a family loves it... It happens at the time of serious vital changes: when the new kid is born, mother comes to work, the family moves. That is during the periods of large vital acquisitions, losses, global changes the child can think that the events and the whole world - against him, can become isolated - there will be a feeling of loss of communication.
- the Child can endure in himself some difficult circumstance, a trauma, the fact that happened to it when we were not near. And we, without knowing what is with it, we can feel that touch is lost. Or, maturing, it closes “inside doors“, is fenced off from us. It is called “teenage age“ and is taken by most of parents rather hard.
If is your case, remember that at teenage age there is “a renewal of the agreement“ on communication between children and parents. And if teenage crisis quarrels you seriously, then communication can not be reestablished, and you and your adult children will be people sincerely foreign each other. For the sake of preservation of communication from the teenager it is possible to suffer a lot of things. But this patience should not be patience from a weakness position when parents suffer this or that behavior just because can make nothing. Here it is important to show patience and to take active actions. Touch can be lost by
- also from the adult. To us sometimes becomes not to children. Something changes in our own life. We go to work or grief, we build the new relations or we finish old: we have a serious adulthood with the age crises. Children sharply feel it and if such period drags on, it can lead to communication loss.
should not Postpone “repair of the communication line“ because the child who is long in a condition of the interrupted contact with parents can accustom himself to isolation: lack of communication is perceived by it as dislike.
you feel weakening of communication with the child? There are actions which can help you:
- release time, it is desirable concrete evening in a week, having warned the child about it in advance. Agree that it will be yours with two of them personal time, and this time has to be not less
of 2 - 3 hours,minus time for the road. Think up as it is the best of all to spend this time, - here everything depends on lifestyle and preferences of a family; explain
- to the child that you had hard times. Children - sensitive creations, they will understand you if you are at proper words;
- urgently undertake a package of measures for restoration of contact with the child: for example, it is possible to arrange the symbolical holiday finishing hard times. It can be a beautiful house dinner, or a sit-round gathering in silent cafe, or the memorable walk. Put the end and return to what for you is normal. When there passes some time and the relations will be restored, talk to the child about his experiences and fears, about those thoughts that climbed to it in the head.
both discussion and interaction at this level with it it is impossible, you should do all this independently and to make the promise to yourself. But even three - four-year-old children are capable to understand correctly been loss for words. Communication with parents is so important for them.
How to define a communication quality with the child? Try to answer the following questions honestly: whether
- are Known by you what your child dreams of? What does he want as a gift for New year or birthday? your child is afraid of
- of What? What thinks of? What of the read books impressed it most of all? whether
- are Known by you what dreams the child?
- A what occurs in his social life and a near environment?
- Who at it in friends and enemies? Why quarreled with the best friend / girlfriend?
- What the child thinks of the abilities and appearance?
- I at last with what you would like to see your relations with the child? Would like that your child on behavior was similar to you?