“Syndrome of the become empty nest“: how to keep the relations of
“Cider of the become empty nest“ - the poetic name of one of the stages, most difficult for a family: the grown-up children begin independent life, and parents should build the relations already absolutely in others, unusual conditions for them.
Love to the child in advertizing and in national tradition
the Small child depends on parents both physically, and emotionally. It needs feeling of security, care and love. Without them he will not survive and will not grow up the full-fledged person. And this dependence it, having hardly been born and still without showing reciprocal feelings in any way, firmly binds souls and hearts of parents. The remarkable Russian poet Valentin Berestov has such lines:
Loved you without the special reasons:
For the fact that you are a grandson, for the fact that you are a son,
that the kid, for the fact that you grow
For the fact that to the father and mother it is similar.
I this love until the end of your days
Will remain secret your support!
However idea of unconditional love of children is often distorted recently by mass media and advertizing. From pages of magazines, from billboards, from the screen of the TV watch at young parents the touched faces of glossy fathers and mothers embracing angellike children who are never capricious, are not rude, do not make bad acts. Advertizing parents never test either anger, or irritation to children, they do not know and ordinary human fatigue. They have a sea of love, acceptance and adoration. > it is Almost not said by
to p that the love to the child can come far not at once. The periods it “fades“ and “hides“, and minutes of affection and tenderness - it is rather an award, than a constant background of a roditelstvo. Enduring sense of guilt and a dissatisfaction, “the fallen hands“ at many, especially young and inexperienced, parents becomes result of such unilateral advertizing. Here the common sense and centuries-old national experience has to come to the rescue.
Children were God`s blessing, one of the main missions of a family at all times. But the excited, superemotional relation to their birth and education was not widespread until recently. Children came to the world to grow under a wing of parents, to gain strength and to depart to the big world - to find the way to lives, the road and to disdain, i.e. to take care of parents in old age.the Excessive affection, excessive attention and even long grief when losing were not encouraged with
.“ The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away“ - not a so stale or indifferent saying, and a cut it is religious - the household attitude towards sacrament of the birth. The born person was never considered as property given birth to him. Not incidentally celebrated even not birthday, and a name-day, day of the patron saint of the person.
the Main care of parents. Centuries-old experience of the people convincingly proved that the love also comes for care and responsibility. Only not excited, neurotic - ostentatious, and quieter and wise, not proprietary. Weighed, without exaltation, the feeling helps to belong correctly both to the birth and death, and to a separation of the grown-up children from a family.
Family situation: feelings, fears, crises
So, children grew. Legally and socially they became adults. What happens to parents? What new reefs wait for the family ship?
sharp reorganization of a parental family Happens. There is a need of revaluation of the vital purposes, tasks, way. Life, is a lot of years subordinated to cultivation and education of children, suddenly sharply changes. It always occurs “suddenly“ as our mentality is inert and is reconstructed much more slowly. To the one who got used to be responsible for someone`s life, not easy suddenly to replace nature of this responsibility. To accept that your cares began to cause a protest and irritation, and a wise advice is not taken into account or undertakes with strong amendments.
Many habitual actions connected with life of a parental family undergo changes. Often sharply the life mode changes. One lady so commented on the gastritis which aggravated against a marriage of the daughter and her moving to other city:“ Began to prepare there is nobody“.
the fear - for children, for their life, destiny Becomes aggravated. The desire to close them itself from vital burdens, to facilitate their burden, to protect, help amplifies - and together with it there is an experience that now, from a distance, you will not be able to make it. And if not to dissemble before itself, there is a fear to remain unaddressed and cares of children - years - that go.
the oppressive feeling of a neotsenennost Amplifies: “We (you) devoted all life to you, and you (you)!“ - in various variations and with different intonations. All want to be understood and estimated, it is important to all to hear words of gratitude for the works and the victims even if the reason persistently advises not to wait for it. The paradox is in what the more we give without hope for gratitude, the more than this official message of thanks we receive in reply. Speaking to the quote from “Chukovsky`s Paradox“ of the same V. Berestov: “Write disinterestedly - pay for it more!“ So it is worth raising children disinterestedly, but not in hope for possible dividends.
own age crisis - so-called crisis of middle age Approaches. In families where only one child, the period of “the become empty nest“ is necessary on 40 - 50 - a summer age boundary of parents. The boundary is serious when the slope of “the mountain of life“ ahead begins to loom and the professional and personal results are summed up. The more ahead of prospects, opportunities for development, the more without serious consequences and more structurally this stage is endured.
Against crisis of middle age also family often blossoms. Sometimes in it men are guilty - the new horizons still attract, and there are enough forces for their achievement so far. Many in conversation with psychologists frankly speak:“ I am not ready to live, I in a full order“. However some decrease in a vitality is experienced also by them, and as “means of rejuvenation“, sometimes, acts young and attractive...
the Phenomenon this difficult, demanding separate detailed conversation. The uniform recipe cannot be here - at each couple the features of life during this period, but psychologists chorus go on one: “Protect men!“ It is much more difficult for them to be reconstructed. And the more careful, understanding, not absorbed by exclusively family problems wife goes with it hand in hand on life, the easier couple passes this test.
the banal “household question“ Complicates a situation. If children began to live separately, but parents are forced to support them, it is much more difficult for parental family to be reconstructed and accept psychological autonomy of young people. And it is natural. Really the adult socially is also financially independent, otherwise he continues to be perceived as the child. Children begin to live in the European culture where patrimonial communications are traditionally less strong, separately and get experience of responsibility for themselves much earlier. As well as any phenomenon, it is impossible to call this experience unambiguously positive, but it is worth aiming children at independent, responsible behavior.
Popular wisdom says:“ If you want to take care of the child, give him not fish, and a rod“. In other words, the more the child is able in the household and social plan, the it is more than chances that it will remain with parents not for fear of life and for own helplessness, and on command of soul.
How to begin new life
we Will try to take a detached view of a situation. How many years you in marriage? If children grew up, then probably not less than 18? All these years for you the main link were children, the general life and cares, isn`t it?
Of course, feelings to the spouse during this time changed. Ideally - became quieter, but is deeper, warmer. Small roughnesses in relationship smoothed out, strong mutual understanding was established. But it ideally. And it is achievable when spouses, besides love, unites both a community of outlook, and the general nadsemeyny values. For example, common cause: scientific or social interests and purposes.a support in the changed family situation become
For such couples not only common interests, though they are extremely important, and the principles of concelebration to something to higher. Life of such couples is more harmonious, so, is more attractive for children as an example for imitation. Family dynasties of priests, scientists, artists and culture are an example of that. In such families of generation connect not only related bonds, but also a community of vital contents. For the rest of life the need for communication, an exchange of thoughts, plans - already in the course not only detsko - parental, and and partnership remains.
How to be that at whom the unity of interests did not develop? To look for it. Many have “the general platform“ the most different hobbies of the creative plan. It can be volunteer activity, the help in restoration of temples, local history activity and travel - not only for personal pleasure, but also to share with other interesting routes.
It is magnificent when such creative hobby appears in a family long before the moment of “a departure of baby birds“ in independent life. Then there are much more chances that they will depart a close course. If it did not happen, it does not matter - to begin never late. In psychological practice there were cases when the new hobby of parents forced their grown-up children to look in a new way at “old men“, changed not only relationship, and and style of interaction of generations in a family.by
the Decision for lonely parents
Is especially important to think over and prepare the “parallel course“ for the parents who were left for one reason or another without spouse. More often it is women, but also it is actual for men. At such parents the need for compensation is especially strong. Heat, care and attention from the partner they are deprived that often promotes “transfer of expectations“ on the grown-up child.
it is Especially problematic the relations develop when the child “was raised for themselves“. Considerable will, love to the child and continuous self-checking are necessary not to create to themselves from the son or the daughter of “the psychological spouse“ with whom “divorce“ will appear not in power. How many destinies break from - for unconscious jealousy of mothers (more rare than fathers) what passions boil behind a mask of care of wellbeing of the child! It is impossible to blame for it the lonely person, but also to suffer manipulations, let often unconscious, however breaking your life - too a bad exit.
Such “love triangle“ in detsko - the parental relations - the phenomenon difficult and, unfortunately, recently very widespread. For this reason easier those who conducted and conduct active social life cope with a problem, has friends and girlfriends, hobbies. They manage “transfer of accents“ easier though for lonely “the become empty nest“ is very painful vital stage.
On supervision of psychologists, during this period of life many realize long desire to have a pet. And communities of fans of various animals are an also new circle of acquaintances. It is no secret, as quickly “meet“, walking the canine friends, “dog lovers“.
Well and at last, own filled and interesting life will help to accept a role of the grandmother and grandfather over time and is worthy in it to act. But it already another story altogether...