Love and sex after the delivery: in French. ``Adult time`` of
the American journalist and the writer Pamela Drukerman with the husband Simon, the daughter Bin and sons - twins lives in Paris. And delightfully notices that the French children: a) sleep all in the night from the earliest age, b) it is correct and on the mode eat, c) are able to wait. Then it undertakes journalistic investigation: why at the French mothers the fact that it is impossible to it turns out?Pamela Drukerman wrote to
Following the results of “investigation“ the interesting and witty book Bringing Up Bebe which right there became the best-seller in many countries. We read the book before an exit in Russian - under the name “The French Children Are Not Spat by Food“ - and asked questions to the author.
- Applying the French rules, you feel like happier mother? Quieter, balanced?
- it seems to me, the main difference of the French approach that, according to parents, it is not useful to devote all the life to the child for anybody, including the child. French repeat all the time that “sense of guilt - a trap for parents“, and “ideal mothers do not exist“. I think if to take similar beliefs and ideas as a basis, life will become quieter at once.
- you in detail write About pluses of the French education in the book. And what all - not really was pleasant what did not want to be adopted?
- French adhere enough backward views concerning breastfeeding. With them it is difficult to make friends, difficultly even to strike up conversation at a playground with other mothers. They can be too strict, put observance of rules above self-expression. The relations between parents insufficiently friendly, in my opinion, and too strong division between adults and children. And still, if on the street in Paris suddenly to start singing a song together with the child or to roll down together with a hill, on you all look as at abnormal.
- If to speak about results of education, it is necessary to look how the grown-up children treat the parents. What can you tell about the relations of adult French and parents? Whether they grow up too detached as a result of a bigger autonomy, bigger enthusiasm for parents for the life?
- I did not study the relation between adults and children. But one all - learned at French: they are sure that not only the result is important, but also how you will live those 18 years that are allocated for you on education of the child.
- And the main issue of all mothers of babies: really all French kids really sleep all night long?
- Certainly, not all French children sleep all night long at three-months age. But it is quite widespread picture, it often meets. If after half a year at the child the dream was not adjusted, parents decide that it has problems. Some address consultants for a dream. Certainly, all children different, all develop the rates. But French are sure that at the correct approach all healthy children eventually learn to sleep, without waking up.
my favourite baguette
how the French spouses protect the independence, refusing to endow intimate, adulthood for the sake of children - the head from Pamela Drukerman`s book.
Friends say that parents of twins get divorced more often. It is not sure as far as it precisely statistically, however perfectly I understand from where such rumors undertake.
Within several months after the birth of kids we constantly swear at Simon. During one of quarrels he calls me by an ugly mug. I and this word should look in the dictionary.“ The ugly being causing rejection“, - I read. In anger I go to Simon.
- Means, I am ugly? - I ask from a threshold.
- Well. Not ugly, just you cause rejection, - he answers.I stick
With the purpose to remember that it is necessary to behave in a civilized way on the apartment of the plate with the inscription “Not Shout at Simon“. One hangs on a mirror in a bathroom, and it is seen by our numerous nurses. We with Simon too were tired, so, that we do not understand - all our quarrels just because that we plow is unceasing. To me already all the same what he thinks of though it is sure, it is still Dutch soccer.Simon prefers to be filled up with
rare minutes of rest in a bed with the magazine. And if I dare to prevent it, speaks:
- What you wanted to tell, it for certain is not more interesting than article from “New - Yorkera“ which I read now.
Once on me the inspiration condescends.
- we have with you an ideal compatibility, - I say. - Everything irritates you. And I irritate all.
Probably, we extend around ourselves the frightening-off fluids. To us on a visit there come friends, a childless couple from Chicago, and in four days draw a conclusion that they definitely do not want children. And somehow time after the days off spent at home Bing solves, as she does not want.
- Children - it is too difficult, - our daughter declares.
, however, also the positive moments Are: we receive the place in a day nursery for both boys (this time even my mother is glad to it). Twins - still unusual occurrence therefore our application is considered among the first. The committee distributing places defined kids in a day nursery to which only two quarters from our new house though said to me slightly earlier that there are no empty seats there and are not expected.
U us appears though some hope for the future (we decided to wait a little and send a few kids to a day nursery after a year). But the question of whether our family will sustain the tests which fell to its lot, is still particularly acute.Now me it does not seem to
coincidence that in the families of the American middle class practicing a method of “early development“, degree of satisfaction with the matrimonial relations decreased, and mothers, according to researches, began to find household chores much more pleasant occupation, than care of children. The American sociologists do not doubt any more that modern parents feel much less happy, than childless couples. They to a thicket have depressions, and degree of despondency raises with the advent of new children (It was rather simple to Simon to see these “new children“ on ultrasonography).
Perhaps to us it is just necessary to be chosen where - nibud together? While we lived in France, in the USA “appointments“ for the spouses having problems in relationship became fashionable. Which - who compares it to the invention of penicillin. You hate the husband / wife? Go on a date! You think whether not to suffocate children? Have supper at restaurant! Even spouses Obama so do.
As was shown by research if the husband and the wife in common spend leisure-time, it “promotes improvement of the relations, helps to feel young people again and gives the chance to look in a new way at education of children“. However it was not so easy for couples participating in research to find time for joint pastime.“ Many participants admitted that they are not able to afford anything personal because they are under pressure from the society considering that interests of children it is more important than interests of couple“ - sociologists made the conclusion.
to Accelerate development of the child - here that becomes a task number one in a family. I see examples of it continually when I leave France. My cousin from America, the nurse who has four children lives absolutely near the relatives, and those wish to sit with kids. But even in spite of the fact that it carries all week children in school, on gymnastics, on trainings on track and field athletics and in church, they with the husband (he works as the police officer in a night shift) cannot even think of going somewhere only together. They too are tired. And my friend, the teacher from Manchester, says that she took with themselves the small child in a honeymoon though her mother also suggested to remain with it.
- I cannot just leave it, conscience torments me, - she explains.
The fact that many parents refuse to leave the child with somebody, despite fatigue and other factors, not a so city legend: I often had to face it. For example, once at a wedding I sat near mother - the housewife from Colorado: it has a nurse for full time, and at the same time its (nurse) is never left alone with three children! (The husband of my neigbour did not go to a wedding - stayed at home with peanuts.)
my familiar artist from Michigan admitted that she could not force to employ the nurse during the whole first year of life of the child.
- It was such small, and this is my firstborn... I am actually very nervous. At one thought that it is necessary to give it to someone, it became terrible...
Some parents put the children on such specific diets and use such strange methods of education that to someone to another, even to grandmothers and grandfathers, it is very difficult to adopt watch, following all rules to uniform. One grandfather remembers how his daughter did not go slightly crazy when he “not so“ transported a carriage through a hummock. The child`s mother somewhere read that if to roll children through a hummock back to front, there is a chance of injury of a brain - though insignificant.We with Simon had nothing
against to leave our children with other people. Since the very first months worked for us a floor - Fillipin. But at the same time I mostly arrived the same as that mother from Colorado: used nurses as assistants: they change diapers and wash clothes, and I am nearby.
the Similar system at the same time exhausted our accumulation and destroyed the relations. That to me nearby to a mental hospital, I understood when in fifteen minutes I prior to alleged arrival of one of nurses received the SMS - the message. I was captured by panic: really the nurse is late? But it appears, it was the message from news service for which I subscribed recently: in South America there was a terrible earthquake, there are victims. I breathed sigh of relief.
Some, as well as Americans, go in cycles in children. But in France it does not approve society. To sacrifice the intimate life for the sake of children? It is considered absolutely unhealthy and demonstrates that in a family balance was broken. French understand that with the child`s birth everything changes, especially first when all attention is riveted on the kid. But a bit later mother and the father gradually restore balance in the relations.
“French have a fundamental belief that in each of us the passion glimmers. It never disappears for a long time. And if it occurs, so the person in a depression and to him treatment is necessary“, - Mari - Anne Souizzo, the sociologist from the Texas university explains.my familiar French mothers tell
about the matrimonial relations absolutely in other key, than Americans.
- interests of a matrimony it is more important than interests of children For me, - Virdzhini notes, mother is the housewife who taught me to eat consciously.Virdzhini`s
- strict, clever, careful mother, only of my familiar Parisians who regularly visits Catholic church. But also she does not intend to say goodbye to the romantic relations only because it has three children.
- the Relations of spouses - here that most important. This only thing that you choose in life. You do not choose children. And the husband - yes. Matrimonial life needs to be built. The wife is interested in that they with the husband had good relations. When children will leave a home, it is impossible to assume that the relations were not got on. For me it is the main priority.
Not all parents in France agree
with similar arrangement of priorities, but the majority do not even doubt whether the romantic relations will renew after the delivery: of course yes, for them it is only a matter of time.“ No rules can define that moment when parents at last feel readiness again to find each other, - the French psychosociologist Jean Epstein says. - When both spouses are ready and if conditions promote, that part which he also has to play is assigned to the child, - a role within which he does not interfere with the matrimonial relations“.education Experts from the USA mention
too that parents have to have “time for themselves“, but only casually. For example, in the book of doctor Spock is the whole two paragraphs under the heading “Unnecessary Self-sacrifice and Excessive Guardianship“. In them, in particular, it is said that modern young parents can “endow freedom and all former pleasures, and not for practical reasons, and from the principle“. Even when they get out from the house together from time to time, they “are too tormented by sense of guilt wholly to enjoy rest“. Doctor Spock strongly recommends to find time fully to communicate with each other, but only after enough time and efforts“ is devoted to children “.
For the French experts in a roditelstvo full communication of spouses - not casual thought. About is not present, they in every possible way and unambiguously emphasize importance of this communication. It is possible because nobody holds back how the child`s birth is hard transferred by the majority of couples. “Not without reason many couples leave in the first several years or even months after the child`s birth. Everything in their life turns over upside down“, - it is said in one of articles. whether
On some French websites devoted to motherhood, articles about matrimonial life slightly not so much, how many about pregnancy.“ The child should not replace to parents all Universe... for balance in a family parents need personal space, - Elena de Leersnayder writes. - The child without any offense for himself understands, and usually at the earliest age that his parents need time which is not busied the house, circulation on shops or children too“.
Upon termination of the neonatality period the French parents seriously perceive an appeal to renewal of the romantic relations. French have even special time of day which and is called - “adult“ or “parental“ time. It comes when children fall asleep. The anticipation of “adult time“ explains why parents in France so strictly watch that their kids went to bed at the same time, after reading of fairy tales and singing of lullabies.“ Adult time“ the - not hardly won, rare privilege, and basic human requirement. Judith, the expert in history of arts and mother of three children, tells that all her children go to bed in eight or eight thirty.
- I want that sometimes the world belonged only to me, - she explains.
French not just consider that similar division does well to parents. They sincerely believe that it is important also for children, - those have to understand that parents have entertainments.“ Thus the child understands that he is not the center of the Universe - and this necessary condition for its development“, - it is said in the encyclopedia “Your Child“.
Parents in France remain alone not only at night. When Bing goes to school, we face some infinite series of two-week vacation in the middle of a quarter. During vacation of our daughter there is nobody even to play - most of her friends send to grandmothers to the village or to the suburb. And parents use this time quietly to work, go to travel, to have sex or just to stay alone.Virdzhini`s
every year goes to holiday for ten days - with the husband, but without children. And it is not discussed. Her children to whom from four to fourteen, all this time is spent at Virdzhini`s parents, in a small small village in two hours` journey from Paris. At this Virdzhini claims that sense of guilt is not known to it.
- For these ten days our relations with the husband so become stronger that it is unambiguously useful also for children, - she says. Also adds, as the children sometimes need to have a rest from parents. But when the family reunites, all are very happy.
my familiar French grab any opportunity to find to themselves “adult time“. Carolina, workyushchy mother of the three-year-old son, without hint on fault tells me that on Friday she of the child from a garden takes away her mother to take it to itself till Sunday. And they with the husband dare to sleep off properly and to go to the cinema.
Some manage to arrange themselves “adult time“, even when children of the house. Florans which has three children - younger three, to the senior six (and her - forty two), - admits that during week-end in the mornings “children are forbidden to come into a bedroom until ourselves open a door“. Surprisingly children follow this rule and learned to play independently. (Inspired by its example, we with Simon try to make the same. And to our amazement, the method works. Almost - each few weeks should be reminded of this rule.)When I try to state to
the concept “parents go for appointment“ to the French colleagues, those do not understand me. In - the first, in France there is no concept “appointment“. Here, if you begin to meet someone, it is already full novel. If couple lives together, nothing changes. “Special evening“ for spouses with sudden disguise from trenik in heels - according to French, it is somehow unnatural. Also means that real life is not sexual and tiresome, and the romantic moments need to be planned how visit to the stomatologist. Such approach is not pleasant to French!
From the book “The French children are not spat by food.
education Secrets from Paris“