Change of the husband: to forgive or leave? 10 important councils for the wife of
you suspected the husband of change. Tried in the different ways to learn the truth. And everything was confirmed. So to do? How now to be? How it is better to behave, having learned about change of the husband, the psychologist Galina Artemyeva argues.
you Remember the song: “Took off resolutely the jacket thrown to seem proud there were enough forces, it was told by me: “All good“... “
First: you do not hurry to take off a jacket resolutely. Cool down and think. Well - let`s think together. It was found out that you lived with the traitor. But you lived! Even long enough. And anything! Well also suffer still, cool down. Repeat, repeat about yourself: “Yes, it changed! Yes, it changed!“ Well - give hundred times we will repeat while most it becomes ridiculous not. (It will become obligatory, but not so soon!)
Second: let`s admit to ourselves that nothing of that kind happened yet. All are living? Are live! Even are healthy! Is where to live, eat what to eat. Already well. Well - the foreign dirty trick flew in your life. So now? To be shot? Let`s learn to hold blow! Let`s rake up this dirty trick in a small group and we will throw out on a garbage can. And all! Forgot. And not to dare to mill in the poor head words from the found letter of the husband directed another: “I love you, you my one and only, the wife - my cross (just imagine, huh? Well and a reptile!), it makes the life mine miserable, only with you I am happy...“
Third: accurately tell yourself what you want. You want that everything returned, and it was good, quiet, peacefully? It is possible! And it depends on you.
If you want to get divorced, understanding that are not capable to take out the opened truth, you remember one thing: after divorce it will become easier not. Pain will anyway be erased by time, but it will occur not soon. And why everything should be solved by means of divorce? To whom will you make better, having decided on a gap? To the mistress - it is unconditional! To? To you to solve.
Fourth: you can demand from the husband of the termination of any relations with the mistress. If it goes to it and will try to adjust the family atmosphere, try not to make the life yours with it miserable reproaches and scandals. Eventually, he chose you. What still it is necessary for you?
Fifth: reconsider the relation to matrimonial proximity. Diversify the sexual life, do not evade from sex at all.
Sixth: distribute obligations for the house, let the husband intensify the participation in family affairs.
Seventh: accurately discuss a question of distribution of family means.
Eighth: if the husband refuses to break up with the mistress, continue by it the relations, it makes sense to decide on the warning of a gap. Only seriously, without blackmailing, without playing. If the husband understands all gravity of your decision if his family is still expensive to it, he can break off the illegitimate relations.
a lot of things depend On you. The choice for you. The main thing - make the decision with the cold head. Do not allow chaotic feelings to push you on reckless actions.
Councils which can help
Are some truisms which are simply obliged to acquire involuntary (or potential) participants of a love triangle (it is good, if not a polygon). They should be known not worse than traffic regulations for the sake of preservation of mental and physical health, working capacity and respect for themselves.
to Wives is recommended to be remembered:
- your idea of the husband - not the so husband.
- If you began to perceive the husband as invariable part of a house interior, know: quite perhaps, there are places where it with pleasure plays other roles, and houses rests in bed after rough love games, perceiving you as the necessary bagatelle in its economy.
- Marrying, you do not get the husband in lifelong use.
- Life of each person including your lawful spouse, belongs first of all to him. Everyone has the right for a mistake. And on understanding of this mistake too. Depends on you that will be considered as a mistake by your husband - the marriage relations with you or a love intrigue on the party.
- If you found out that the husband changes you, try to keep judiciousness first of all. Define for yourself honestly and directly that you want in the circumstances. Possible options, as a rule, are as follows:
- I want to suspend relations immediately and to leave forever, having forgotten it as a bad dream; I want to be
- together, to forgive all and that everything was as before;
- I do not want to leave and I cannot, but I dream to revenge it for hurt; I will remain
- with it from the principle that the mistress did not leave the winner;
- to me needs to reconsider the past, to understand what my own delusions consisted in and not to allow a situation of to destroy.
Only take the law of life into account: nothing so destroys us as thirst of revenge therefore options in) and d) can be dangerous to your physical and sincere health. The revenge guilty (if they are guilty) will be carried out, believe, without your participation. Because the evil will return to his creators. But not when you are eager for it, and much later. You need to relax, thinking of yourself and own, only yours, tasks and their decisions.
- Keep advantage. Having learned about change, do not try to communicate with the mistress at all, to expose her, to collect everywhere the facts discrediting it. Be higher. Let at the price of improbable internal efforts. Not for the sake of the husband or opinion of strangers on you. For the sake of. Then to respect itself for strength of mind and backbone.
- If you found it possible to remain for yourself in marriage with the unfaithful husband, forgive him finally and irrevocably. Be not engaged in a constant vyshuchivaniye, do not reproach, do not remind of the past, you do not needle. Otherwise you will force the husband very much and to regret very much that he all - remained.
Should be able to show nobility. It is a feat. But if you consciously decided to keep a family, work for the benefit of its restoration. (To restore, we will notice, it is always more difficult, than to destroy.)
- do not try to find to the husband immediate replacement, to repay to it in kind. Any of us can find the casual partner if necessary. Only it will not become a consolation. If we were pushed in a dirty pool, it is necessary to get out rather of it, to be washed from dirt and to forget. But to enter casual communications it is equivalent to the fact that you from one dirt where got against the will, will jump in other dirt, assuring itself that you revenge thereby the first pool.
- Concentrate on the health. The women who deeply endured change pain quite often get sick with female diseases - so the organism reacts to humiliation and offense. You are obliged to themselves to stand, remain healthy and attractive. Use the best efforts to be in public, to distract from gloomy thoughts.
- What you solved: to be together or to leave, try to remain friends. This most fruitful, wise and right direction of thoughts and actions. Even if at first the friendship with the traitor cannot be imagined.
to Husbands should be understood:to
- of the Woman with the nature arranged absolutely differently, than you. The physical proximity means to them much more, than gymnastic exercises with the subsequent relaxation. They in most cases involved sincere strings. Be afraid of vibrations of these strings in case of detection of your unscrpulous behavior. If you tell
- to the woman “I love you“ only to feel full emotional return from its party, you play dishonest game, for it these words are equivalent to the offer forever to connect your destinies. with
- As if you were inspired by achievements on the sexual front, do not lose the head. If you are generally happy with the matrimony, it is worth being respectful to feelings of the wife if she finds change. You risk to lose the faithful and reliable companion. quite often come to an end with
- of Adventure on the party with the same conjugal ties. And full disappointment in the ardent feeling which forced to destroy original relationship with real (so, happens, and some men say) the wife.
- you do not bring the mistress into the family house, there are things which cannot be made not under any circumstances. It is one of them. If there is childly a naive question: and why, it is possible to answer quite childly: most it will be worse. The mistress will fly into a rage at the sight of the prophetic wife, will blaze with such hatred that it surely anyway materializes in the form of series of failures and disorders which will begin to pour on the heads of all members of a matrimony. do not devote to
- the mistress in affairs of a family, in problems of children and so forth. Carefully: you give it the most valuable - information which it can use for causing the evil to those whom you love, and it does not. Secret always becomes obvious is an immutable law. At least - do not promote it.
- you are deeply mistaken if you think that, having got the novel on the party, found at last the right soul understanding your primordial passion to freedom, adventures, an extreme. You would be very surprised if you heard heart to heart talks of the freedom-loving and reckless mistress with girlfriends. Believe, you would be struck by strategy and tactics of fight for possession of you as the lawful spouse which are developed behind a coffee cup at fashionable small restaurant. You understand: at us, women, the account of time goes on seconds. We elementary are not able to afford to be sprayed “just like that“. And those who allow to use themselves as the lightning rod are left full bankrupts in private life, without husband, children and everything that it is necessary to us. So understand: for you are at war! You pawn, but not the king! Excuse
- for this very intimate point of our program. But if you left in the field of sexual merrymakings, use, please, the means protecting from an infection. Whatever credible your new darling seemed to you, in life there is everyone. Tragic cases when HIV - infected intentionally infect those who trustfully come to them into sexual contact are frequent, without being protected by anything. The HIV - infected happens, are in a special mental state, considering that life unfairly managed with them - and decide to revenge others for own sufferings. do not tell
- to the mistress about behavior shortcomings, misunderstanding and vicious bents of your wife. You want to unburden the heart. You look for sympathy. You are eager that fell in love with you, for such sufferer. You, without noticing that, having been fond, very strongly you exaggerate. You, by itself, will fall in love, will regret. But you remember: the woman loving you can not sustain the hatred overflowing her to your offender (i.e. to the wife whom you do not intend to leave). And here then will burst a thunder! Jeunet will get most, matter of course. But also you will not be avoided by a chain of very unpleasant episodes.
- Life - system process. Being part of system, we exert impact at each other. The relations of people form feedback chains. Sooner or later the person is influenced by results of how he treated others. Therefore try not to play that did not strike itself at the most inappropriate moment.
From the book “Lie as the Man, Manipulate as the Woman“