Education of the adopted child: whether the secret of adoption
is necessary One more fragment from the book “When I Was Born, You Were Not, Mother!“ answers important questions of adoption. How to tell the adopted child about his origin? Whether there can be an adoptive parent to the family to the kid taken from children`s home?
the First time about what it not blood, but reception, I told Aleshke when he studied in the first grade. And, as it appeared, made it in time. Just several weeks later it came from walk with a question: “And why Dimka says that I from a shelter? He is perhaps a fool?“ Dimka is the son of the neighbors who moved to our house from the Far East to the aged mother. Probably, among lots of news, stories about what happened for years of their absence also information on me emerged.
Passed two - three months, and already in the yard of our grandmother Aleshke the boy from the neighboring house with which the son played when came there for the weekend asked the same question. I explained that the shelter is a house where there live the children who escaped from bad parents. Mothers and fathers drink, beat the sonnies and daughters, do not allow them to eat, do not buy toys. And I took Aleshka in Children`s home where from maternity hospital bring those who are wanted to be adopted. There are mothers who cannot give birth to the baby how him to live absolutely alone? And there are mothers at whom there is already a lot of children and money for food is not enough. Here they also agree with doctors that their baby will be taken by new mother.
I am your mother, I convinced Aleshka, you are my son, only I in a tummy did not carry you. I repeated this argument always. Eventually, already adult, the son somehow told with irony: “Mother, confess, I - from a test tube!“.to
In general, the feeling of irony to us fine helped. Over time we learned not to dramatize the adoption fact. Aleshka, for example, spoke: “All mothers as mothers, and you as not native“, are if it is necessary to elicit something. It seems to me, the more often we discussed this subject, the Aleshka treated it more simply. But it came over the years. In the beginning he very much worried.I Remember
once, a class in the second, diffident the teacher and constantly sticking to me with a question: “You love me?“, he started talking on a subject: “And why you chose me?“ Again began to say that it was the best, nice, cheerful, at once got to me on hands and embraced me. I said that it is so healthy that we together that except it I could also fall in love with nobody. And Aleshka suddenly began to roar: “Is not present. I am very bad. Because mummy and the daddy threw me“.
That time I reduced conversation to the fact that many men do not even know that they have a child. Said that they come to business trips or to holiday, meet women, say that marry them, and then leave, and nobody tells them that the son or the daughter was born. Aleshka calmed down, and then unexpectedly for me drew a conclusion:“ I will never leave the children“.
Now other time. Write about foster homes much, speak, and it is good. The more simply - it is more natural - society will begin to treat it, the adopted children will have less tragedies. In other countries nobody hides that the child - reception. Many celebrities take children, speak about it in interview, and children treat it quite normally. Our relation - as - led to a certain shameful secret, including, and to suicides. The child, years in 14 or 16 having learned that parents are not the family, climbs in a loop because considers as if his all these years deceived. With maximalism peculiar to this age he thinks that it was not considered for the person, times were not told by the truths. The world falls, and it seems prove that meant well.
Ya I am not able to lie to
in general - neither in big, nor in small. So it was simpler to me to live with Aleshkaya without deception. As it appeared, and it accepted the truth. I for it - a final authority, it got used to trust me, it is shown, for example, that he trusts me the problems, knowing that I will help it to solve them. This trust is the most expensive, to it absence of consanguinity is not terrible. Absence of emotional bond with the native person is far more tragic.
However we learned to understand and feel each other not at once. At first Aleshka was uncontrollable, understood nothing, absolutely did not obey me. Later already, a many time later, I understood that its reaction to sharp changes in life was such. Probably, it was in a condition of a deep stress. And during this period I would be helped fine by consultations of the psychologist, it is possible even - correction of behavior. But the neuropathologist registered only the calming mixtures, I reached everything a trial and error method.All first year Aleshka was ill
- bronchitis was replaced by ORZ, then cough was started over again, then began to flow from a nose... I decided that all our troubles from the fact that in children`s home the malyshna had no contacts with world around and consequently, they did not adjoin to microbes, infections. After rather sterile existence the organism willingly made contact with any infection. So reacted to changes in the life of Aleshk at the level of an organism.
to Guess that has to be and psychological reaction, prevented an elementary zamotannost. Appearance of the child sharply changed also my life, I much was not in time, debts at work were saved, days off flew by as one instant, but affairs disappeared less. Once, later, probably, already half a year, early in the morning on Saturday Aleshka woke me, and I slept all these months badly, did not fill up, it was difficult for me to open eyes, but I got up, began to feed him. He was capricious, did not obey, was malicious.
I I broke. Cela in a chair in the middle of the room also began to sob in a voice. It seemed to me that never I will be able to get on with it, nothing at me will turn out. This child - the stranger, and the stranger will remain for me. I overestimated the forces, it it is not necessary to me...
Ya sat and roared, and suddenly Aleshka approached me, got on knees, embraced and... began to cry together with me. He nestled on me, ironed me on the head and weepingly repeated: “Mummy, do not cry, mummy, the darling...“ He felt sorry for me! And he understood my state!
From this point we became the family. And soon, literally in several days, I woke up at night from the fact that Aleshka stood at a sofa headboard, cried and quietly called me: “Mummy...“ I turned the head - was near nobody. Rose, approached its bed, and during this instant he began to cry in a dream. As it appeared, he got sick. And I felt that to it it became bad, how it reacted to high temperature. I had with it a communication at the level of subconsciousness - as at all mothers with the children!
From the book “When I Was Born, You Were Not, Mother!“