Rus Articles Journal

Education of the adopted child: why the help of the psychologist is necessary?

Author of the book “When I Was Born, You Were Not, Mother!“ adopted the boy from children`s home of 80 at the end - x. 15 years Later it described the experience, achievements and difficulties which it was necessary to face. At that time psychological assistance to adoptive parents was not adjusted yet, and a lot of things had to be learned a trial and error method.

When I processed documents to Aleshka, to me suggested “to lower“ one year, having told that many adoptive parents act this way. I refused, having answered that we will quickly catch up with peers - with intelligence at Aleshka was all right. Alas! Did not explain to me that intelligence and mentality - two big differences and that lag in the general development is much easier “to liquidate“, than lag in development psychological.

I understood it, only when came it is time to go to school. In 7 years my son remained the five-year-old child. It passed all tests put to the first grader, confirming that with development, memory, attention, logic at it it is normal. But here the relation to occupations, discipline, need to sit half an hour at a school desk and to listen to the teacher... Force the five-year-old kid to sit out a lesson: he will spin, rise, talk. Quite so also Aleshka behaved. Except irritation, it, naturally, caused nothing in the teacher. We were rescued by neither his excellent memory, nor the developed imagination - by the end of the first class we strongly took the place of weakest “mediocre pupil“.

Here - that I also regretted that I did not change date of birth - excess year to school very much would not prevent us. Still regretted that did not leave Aleshka for a year in kindergarten. Such option was offered to me by the clever and skilled manager seeing that the child is not ready to school at all. Aleshka rested: “I want in school!“ And I followed his tastes. Well, also received at full scale.

All eleven years at school I constantly proved

to teachers that the child at me gold, only restless very much. Blamed herself - grew supposedly in the creative environment, here and it is relaxed immoderately. And the problem rested against the fact that, having started initial knowledge, we did not catch up with the program. To force Aleshka to do homework first two - three years it was almost impossible. Good memory and ingenuity, but when the mathematics, physics, chemistry began helped out - also “two“ began.

Especially hard it was necessary to

with Russian. Having a rich lexicon (Aleshka has the correct speech, it does not confuse an accent, does not use words - weeds, easily makes puns) and easily keeping up the conversation even with adults, he writes with awful quantity of mistakes. Neither punishments, nor trainings on copying of texts and house dictations, occupations with tutors helped.

the Teacher of literature and Russian in 11 - m a class explained

to me that most likely it is a dysgraphia which can be a consequence of any psychological injuries (whether to me not to know - what!) and that it is possible to correct similar illiteracy only in initial classes. But in initial classes my child caused a persistent allergy the behavior, and it is easier (and it is possible, and more pleasantly) was to give it bad notes, than to try to help to master the diploma.

With that also we go on life. When Aleshka wrote the first in the life job application (business was on school vacation), I just left an office - let itself reddens! One consoles: there is a mass of professions where the knowledge of grammar and spelling is not obligatory. Generally, we do not do the tragedy of this fact, trying to adapt to circumstances (in particular, to receive though some education). But if someone clever explained to me in due time that to what, I would save a lot of time, means and forces, and also nerves - as the, and strangers.


Generally in all normal countries psychologists work with adoptive parents. Their help is simply irreplaceable, especially at first. Well, of course, that I read books on psychology that among my friends there are mothers having many children and fathers and that I have friends - professional teachers and psychologists. And if the person has nobody to consult if his life experience is small and if he was not fond of psychology and clever books did not read? (Running forward, I will tell that creation of schools of training of adoptive parents became a huge step. Now candidates for parents have obligatory training, and families in which there are already adopted children can get advice and pass trainings. The main thing, it is not necessary to be afraid of it and, what is even more important, it is not necessary to close eyes to problems. In itself they will not be solved.)

Ya, for example, I blame myself that did nothing to cope with infantilism of the son. It was very long naive including in judgments. In sixteen it possessed psychology of the fourteen-year-old teenager, in eighteen remained fifteen-year-old in soul! And how me was to explain it to the same draft commission? What references to collect that it was granted a draft deferment? Motive - “to a povzrosleniye“?

Well - it is not deadly, there is even a category of eternal men - children. But the help of the psychologist to the replacing parents is necessary also in more serious occasions. For example, touched me that Aleshka always came to apologize after punishment. And it turned out that adopted children all life live with sense of guilt in soul. Learned about it incidentally when my friend - the psychologist brought to read the translation of the report on researches of the American psychotherapists. They drew a conclusion that most of adopted children, having even become adults, endure the isolation.“ Time me was left, so I bad“ - with it they go on life! Uncertainty in itself, a samokopatelstvo, tendency to suicides - here in what it is wrapped.

My God! Yes I would know earlier, constantly would inspire in the son that he is the best! And I? I will punish him, small, he will be cried, as well as all children, and then will come, will sit down to me on knees, will nestle and, looking with entreaty in eyes, begins to apologize. However, I always calmed him, began to kiss, iron on the head and to explain that mother punished him for one, concrete act, and actually Alyosha good, he will obey mother...

Probably, purely intuitively I understood that Aleshke is required big, than to his peers, self-confidence therefore in the childhood we had such game. He settled at me on a lap or was driven to me under a side, I pressed it to myself and on an ear began to list all its advantages. Remembered everything: Alyosha at me very cheerful, hokhotun, pevun, very tender, mother`s assistant, the main friend, a ringing cockerel, eats everything - all - everything, washes eyes every morning... Sometimes advantages it was gained not one ten! And I spoke: “Here what remarkable child at me. You will think, does not obey sometimes - it is happens to everyone. And here anybody has no such character. It was lucky mother with you!“

In initial classes this game turned into some kind of psychological training. Victimized Aleshka thoroughly. In the second class, having come from school, he started walking for me with expression of the thrown puppy on a face and, looking with entreaty in eyes, continually asked: “Mummy, you love me?“. Sometimes, when I put it to myself on knees and began to tell what it good and as there is a lot of at it high qualities, it interrupted me: “And at school told that I am an idiot“, or:“ And the teacher the fool called me“.

Thank God, I had enough mind to transfer it to other school - in the third class of Aleshk ceased to have complex so strongly, and our house “pokhvalushka“ became enough in order that he began to believe in himself. But even later, in the senior classes, it had self-flagellation attacks, and then I impetuously began to praise it. And introduction: “What would I do without you?!“ is a plain truth. And Aleshka knows about it, though needles: “What - to shout there was nobody?“

concerning “oraniye“, punishments and other educational measures. I do not know whether it is correct from the point of view of psychology and pedagogics, but I began to abuse and punish Aleshka by the principle “as the“. One of my friends somehow told: “Here he will grow up and will tell you that you punished him because it - not native“. What I answered it:“ And I will tell it that I never felt its nonnative therefore I punished. All children are punished, than it is worse?“ This is true. I did not want that Aleshka grew up spoiled, selfish, not respecting the standard standards of behavior. Besides we in the house had no “a rigid male hand“, and I had to be both mother, and the father, that is to show not only softness, but also hardness.

As for shout... I am an emotional person, and the loud rating is rather demonstration of offense, discontent, than punishment. Aleshka understood it early enough, and for him my silence was much bigger punishment. When I silently left the room, he right there felt that I took offense, and ran afterwards on kitchen:“ Musechka, well do not become angry, now I will make everything“.

I Think that in punishment the main thing - adequacy. Normal mother will not grab a belt if the child broke a cup. If the child badly eats, to silly stand him in the corner - he will only be glad that it was taken away from - for a table. I, for example, just silently removed Aleshka from a chair:“ Everything, go to the room“, - when he began to be capricious and say that he will not eat it. You will not be? It is not necessary, remain hungry. Right there ran back: I changed the mind, I will be porridge, it is tasty. By the way, Aleshka grew up absolutely not choosy to food, eats everything that will be given moreover and extols.


remembered also other reception of education. It very much scattered on the room of a toy, and did not like to move away them - as well as all children, probably. In each family resolve this issue differently. Someone considers, that easier most to clean, someone abuses the child and forces to be tidied up nearly by force. I acted simpler. You do not want - do not clean, I will carry away all toys to the cellar to then force you to bring order it will not be necessary. Collected in a box and took out.

Every other day Aleshka asked to bring to

toys back, after that some time put them into place and when the mess was started over again, I silently began to collect them in a box. He seized my hand and, nearly crying, began to ask not to carry away toys:“ I will move away them, mummy, I will clean“. I will not tell that my child the pedant and each thing at him takes the place, but he keeps relative order, from time to time throwing out, for example, textbooks and notebooks from a case and beginning to direct purity at a floor. Does it, without my reminders.

I Will repeat

: perhaps, it is incorrect from the point of view of pedagogics, but a certain hardness, even rigidity in restrictions is necessary by all means at the beginning. When I waited for the waiting list for obtaining documents on adoption in body of guardianship, near me there was a married couple which arrived to make out adoption of one more kid. The first, the little boy of years of four, rushed right there along corridors. He was noisy and very mobile, did not listen at all that to it is told by mother, generally, behaved as the spoiled and disobedient child. I then still thought that it is not brought up at all, here and grows at the mischievous person. As it appeared, it is not it.

Ya learned by own experience that the child taken from children`s home not chest with already developed behavior stereotype, difficult we operate. He can be afraid, but it will not be obedience and especially understanding that it is possible and that it is impossible. Only the fear of punishment can stop it. In the very first day, at home, at dinner I gave a hand to stroke Aleshka on the head - for what is so accurate and with appetite eats. And it instantly covered the head with hands and contracted. It was not ironed on the head, and beaten!

the Fear lived in it long, but my requests and the simple word he “is impossible“ persistently ignored. Nobody explained to him that, for example, it is impossible to climb on a sofa in dirty footwear - the sofa in his life was not therefore he also did not understand why I become angry. Or: why it is impossible to run on inside of the tram why it is necessary to sit? It pulled out a hand, fell on a floor when the tram sharply pulled up, I was ready to kill him because we came to kindergarten dirty, - but the public transport was included into his life too late, and Aleshka understood not at once how it is necessary to behave.

A how many toys it broke how many books tore before in his consciousness such concept as “mine“ was approved! These are others things it is not a pity to spoil, the is usually protected. But at the child knowing only the state house and state property, careful attitude to things was absent at all. If you do not take a toy, it will be taken by another. Someone will play another and will break your favourite machine. So nothing terrible if it was broken by me - but managed to play.

He long could not believe

that it has own house, the - only it! - mother. In kindergarten when I came for it, to all parents and children that were at that moment in a locker room, it with pride explained:“ My mother! “, “ it is my mother!“. And at home approached, for example, to the door and asked: “It is my door?“, “It is my chair?“. Surprised him and pleased that there is the plate, a cup, slippers. “Mine! Mine!“ - could it is proud to show it to guests this or that thing. But in an interval between surprise and understanding he managed to ruin a heap only. Negligence to things, by the way, remained to this day.

In any case to tell

! In three years Aleshka did not know the mass of elementary things! At first he called mother not only me, but also my friends, the teacher in kindergarten, even foreign women sitting near it in transport. He just did not know sense of the word, probably, believing that so it is necessary to address all aunts. He did not know that it “to go on a visit“. And what is birthday, New year. Who such Father Frost or Cheburashka. In the beginning he asked, showing on a potato: this apple? And too considered beet as apple. He safely rushed on the carriageway, directly under cars because he never saw them earlier, did not know that it is dangerous.

accustomed To books with great difficulty. At first taught to watch pictures. Then began to tell what on them is drawn. And only nearly a year later he learned to listen to reading.

He was not able even to kiss! His first caress was state, as well as all life before: about a week later after he already lived at me, Aleshk... stroked me on the head. And the first kiss looked so: he was stuck with a nose into my cheek, then more and more, but did not guess to touch by lips. But then the grandmother called him not differently as “lizulya“ - it turned out that it very tender, slightly that - climbs to kiss, loves when kiss it. That caress that did not gather additionally in the first years of life, it gathered additionally then long - long.

we Had also other “hang-up“. Aleshke did not happen to do a bit of traveling in carriages and therefore he looked at them enthusiastic eyes and right there clung to handles, helped to carry. I explained to mothers that the son is crazy about equipment, not otherwise - will grow the motorist, but understood what put in another. Few times acquaintances allowed it to get into a carriage, but Aleshka was already big, was not located, to it it was inconvenient, and he gradually grew cold, began to treat carriages quietly. And here on the sledge it was carried even a class in the third, asked the grandmother to take for a drive him. The grandmother grumbled that supposedly the groom already, however rolled.

By the way, and on a lap sat that is called against the stop. The last time got to me on knees a class in the eighth. It developed as if the penknife, and all the same was not located. I burst out laughing: “Everything, Aleshka, came to an end a lafa“. And what? I should sit down on a sofa now as the child here, also demands the head on knees:“ Smooth surface me“. Blinks as a cat, just does not purr. Still likes to put the head to me on knees and that I ironed to it a back. The calming massage, the girlfriend - the doctor explained to me. And stroking, so necessary to it, and sucking of a finger - a sign of the internal, hidden alarm. At the subconscious level at it there does not pass the thought that it was thrown.

the Termination follows


From tonig “When I was born, you were not, mother“