Rus Articles Journal

Between two
fires If parents get divorced...

passed Long ago times when wrote about stains with such sadly - luscious intonation. Many modern psychologists consider that in the divorce there is nothing terrible: it is necessary only competently and correctly to organize it. Happens that divorce remains the only exit from a desperate situation, end (and not always unsuccessful) the matrimonial relations which reached a deadlock. On the other hand, in most cases divorce, even conscious and long-awaited, all - becomes serious psychological loading for all its participants - wives, the husband, children. As with the minimum losses to endure such sharp, and at times and painful change of vital reference points, and, the main thing - how to save the little man from adult disorders?

For a start I will provide data of impartial statistics. On average across Russia each divorce (which initiator the wife, as a rule, acts) leaves without one parent - generally without father - nearly two children (if absolutely precisely, then 1,7). At the same time rather often sees the children only a third of total number of the divorced fathers, a half meets them only occasionally, and 17 percent do not see the children at all. And the farther from the divorce moment, the these meetings (at whom they happen) become more rare. The reasons of such situation various, quite often fathers also are not eager to seem the children. But what mothers? And mothers if you want to change situation, then only towards reduction of frequency of meetings: only every sixth “razvedenka“ wishes more frequent contacts of the child with his former father, and nearly a half of all divorced women would not like them in general. The impartial mute also demonstrates that the reasons of it are covered to a lesser extent in behavior of fathers (mother is afraid of bad influence, the husband - the alcoholic, etc.) and in bigger - in her own desires to keep the child only, to avoid unnecessary complications in life, in hopes to solve own psychological and material problems... And here one more regularity; in the absence of communication also lack of financial support meets more often. That is the communication between fathers and their children is closer, the cases of non-payments of the same alimony are more rare. But it to the word...

A we will return to divorce per se now. I will dare to remind Lev Tolstoy`s thought which became already banality but did not lose from it the validity: all happy families are happy equally, and each unfortunate family is unfortunate in own way.

Therefore to concern the reasons of stains and a role in them of the husband and the wife I will not be - business this ungrateful and especially individual. In this article, it is rather even reflection, I would like to talk not about men and not about women, and about children. As the made decisions, tactics of behavior, reaction to acts of each other are the choice of the husband and wife - people adult and independent. The child, especially absolutely small - a being dependent, first of all from mother.

In spite of the fact that as initiators of divorce women in most cases act, them in the same majority of cases is considered as the party of “victim“. Probably, this is true: the happy wife unexpectedly will not insist on divorce. Unfortunately, anyway just not mother and not the father, but the child as often divorce turns into such “war game“ in which the child, let subconsciously, is used as the main weapon during conducting “military operations“ falls into the disadvantage. Presence of the child can appear as argument of attack: “Who not with us, that against us“ (read - against mother with the child), and argument of protection:“ I am thrown, I bring up the child, I suffer alone, and I - that could not be reproached“. The concrete reasons and circumstances change, but the situation remains: lonely mother, it is proud the father rejected by her - and as result, - the neurotic child.

Unfortunately, the young spouses who decided to dissolve a marriage are more informed in the field of legal aspects and miss a question of mental health of the child. Sometimes, that manipulate the son or the daughter at the solution of property questions, sometimes mothers intentionally create at it an image of “the bad father“ - the father who was the best quite recently. Pretty often the offended mothers directly at children pour out dirt tubs on “beloved“ fathers. Also grandmothers for whom grandsons also become object of fight do not stand aside. It is a pity that nobody at this moment realizes that the child falls the real victim of adult dismantling. And, as a result, psychoneurological frustration appear: from a sleep disorder and appetite before emergence of tics and children`s fears. If adults do not bethink in time, the child for the sake of whom all these military operations are conducted will begin to lag behind in development. Anyway, the growing-up child will acquire rules of military operations quickly...

All that will make further an essence of the person, his personality is put by

at the earliest age. Its vital baggage begins to develop from this in what the child imitates adults and that adults cultivate in it. All further life it will be under impression of events of the childhood, they in many respects will define its adulthood, its chances of consciously happy marriage, the built life, successful career. It does not mean at all that the fact of divorce deprives of the child of the future. Certainly, it will be much better for it to live with one of parents, but in the quiet benevolent atmosphere, than in a full family in which the relations are strained also konfliktna. But in order that the child endured a divorce trauma easier, at it the most good relations both with mother, and with the father surely have to remain.

Separately living family member, and most often is the father, surely has to participate in education of the child. Small children in many respects perceive the events, being guided by reaction of adults. If mother perceives the fact of a meeting of the father with the child as the tragedy, as the participant of this tragedy also the child will begin to feel. In this situation the father will not be able to count that he will remain for the son or the daughter the real father. Moreover, its visits will cause negative reaction in the child. Therefore the father who became legally “former“ at least for the sake of the child should try to keep positive contact with mother. It is quiet to find out from the wife the reason of its disagreement on its meetings with the child, not to plunge into the bog of a showdown, not to confer all responsibility for a gap only on the wife, to clean accusatory motives communication. And it is obligatory to discuss all concrete details of meetings: how many once a week, in what days, at whose presence.

Anyway, remember simple truth: there are no guilty! There are new circumstances of life.

the Comment of the lawyer

If one of parents, trying to obtain an opportunity to see the child, picked up reasonable arguments, stated them in a correct form and received objectively not motivated refusal, then, I think, to you it is not necessary neither to persuade, nor to take offense - it is necessary to work quietly. For example, to file a lawsuit the statement of claim and to establish an order of education of the joint child. The court will oblige the opposite side to give such opportunity.

According to St. 66 The family code of the Russian Federation, “the parent living separately from the child has the rights for communication with the child, participation in his education and the solution of questions of receiving education by the child... The parent with whom the child lives should not interfere with communication of the child with other parent if such communication does not do harm to physical and mental health of the child, his moral development“. (Physical, mental and moral development is estimated categories. The court considers quite concrete everyday circumstances, for example, if the former father comes to the drunk child, is obscenely expressed and beats mother and relatives, then it is possible to say that harm is done to mental and moral health of the child.) Also it is necessary to be guided by this article, resolving an issue of joint education of the child after divorce. At the same time it is necessary to remember that the child - not property and not the subject of carve-up, and the full-fledged and full personality.

If every time discussion of education of the child comes to an end with scandal between the former spouses, then the same article provides the conclusion parents in writing of the agreement “about a procedure of the parental rights the parent living separately from the child“.

dispute upon the demand of parents of the child or one of them allows

In a case when the former spouses are incapable to agree about how joint education of the child will be carried out, court with participation of body of guardianship and guardianship.“ At non-performance of a judgment the measures provided by the civil procedural legislation are applied to the guilty parent. At malicious non-performance of a judgment the court upon the demand of the parent living separately from the child can pass the decision on transfer of the child to it proceeding from interests of the child and taking into account opinion of the child“.

the Law considers also the rights and interests of other relatives who make a reservation in Art. 67 of the Family code of the Russian Federation:“ The grandfather, the grandmother, brothers, sisters and other relatives have the right for communication with the child“. By the way, actually to ask parents of permission communicate to the child relatives can only out of politeness. As“... in case of unreasonable refusal of parents (one of them) of granting to close relatives of the child of an opportunity to communicate with it the body of guardianship and guardianship can oblige parents (one of them) not to interfere with this communication“. If parents do not obey to body of guardianship and guardianship, then dispute is resolved by court.

By the general rule, at making decision on divorce, the section of property and the alimony the court first of all considers interests of minor children.“ Divorce of parents, recognition its invalid or separate accommodation of parents do not influence the rights of the child“. For example, at the section of property, in particular apartments, court watches that at the minor child living conditions did not worsen.

If to observe the law, then the former spouses will save both time, and nerves, and, eventually, money. As a result all will win. Of course, if the former spouses care more for the child, but not for themselves.