Neither whip, nor gingerbread! How to influence the child? Invite to “dance“
In article published on 7e a week ago, the Canadian psychologist and the psychotherapist Gordon Nyyufeld and the pediatrician Gabor Mate called the only way to influence the child, especially, the teenager - to strengthen relationship with it. How to fix mutual attachment? We will talk about it today.
to wake instincts of attachment of the child, we have to offer it something for what it can be hooked. In a case with the baby it is enough to put a finger to it on a palm. If the brain of attachment of the child is susceptible, he will grab a finger if he is not present - will take away a hand. It is not a muscular reflex, like what can be caused percussion under a knee, it is an attachment reflex, one of many congenital reflexes which do possible feeding and rocking the child. He points that instincts of attachment of the child are started. Now the child is ready to perceive care of himself.
Neither the adult, nor the child knows
and is capable to estimate what occurs. This simple capture of a finger represents completely unconscious interaction which purpose - to start attachment instincts, to make so that the child wanted to hold you. In the given example the baby physically holds the adult, but the true purpose consists in establishment of emotional connection. Having enclosed a finger in the child`s palm, we invite him to take up with us. Thus, our part of dance begins with the invitation.
When the child matures, not physical, and psychological “hvataniye“ becomes the purpose of this exercise. We need to give to our children something what they will be able to grasp that will be expensive to them, something that they will be able to store in the heart will not be wanted to be released. What we gave them, it has to proceed from us and to be our gift. And what it was, having grasped it, they will hold us.
the Attention and interest are powerful catalysts of attachment. Signs of love have huge force. Researchers put emotional warmth, pleasure and admiration in chapter of the list of effective activators of attachment. A spark in eyes and warmth in a voice are so powerful appeals to communication formation that most of children will not be able to reject them. If you show to the child that he is important for you, he will hold thought that it special and that you are glad to his presence at your life.
the Physical component of communication is key for children. Embraces are created to hold children with us nearby, they warm the child for a long time after we cease to embrace him. It is not surprising that many adults studying psychotherapy still deeply endure the fact that parents gave them in the childhood of a little physical heat.
of the Teacher often ask me as they can cultivate communication with children today when the relation to physical contact is so ambiguous. Touch is only one of five feelings. Though touches are very important, it is necessary to remember that it is absolutely definitely not the only way of establishment of communication with children.
If the child is emotionally protected from attachment by one of the most vulnerable ways, it is necessary to concentrate on safer options, for example, search of what unites you, or demonstrations of the loyalty through acceptance of his point of view. In my work with young offenders I, as a rule, began with it. Sometimes I just noticed that both of us have blue eyes or similar interests, or we have still something the general. The most important - the adult has to offer something, otherwise the child has nothing will be to grasp.our best gift - to allow the child to feel
that at our presence it can be such what it is actually, to express our admiration of its existence.
thousands of ways to inform of this motivation the child Are: through gestures, words, symbols and actions. The child has to understand that he desired, special, important that it is appreciated, respect, miss it, rejoice to it. In order that the child could apprehend completely our desire to believe in it and to store it in heart, even when we not near it physically, it has to be sincere and unconditional.Use of separation from the parent is pernicious
as punishment for the child. To begin to use this often recommended, but destructive equipment, actually, means to tell that we are glad that the child is near us, only when he or she corresponds to our values and expectations - in other words that our relations with it are not unconditional. Our purpose as parents - to give to the child such incentive, too desired and important that from it it was possible to turn away, the loving acceptance which peers cannot offer it. Holding unconditional love our gift, the child will hold us emotionally - the same as the baby squeezing a parental finger in a cam.
to establish connection, our invitation has to be unexpected for the child. It can seem paradoxical - and soon I will explain that I mean by it - but it is impossible to take control of the child, giving him what he expects, be it part of ritual, a gift on birthday or an award for some achievement. As if we fussed, what we give in similar circumstances, will be associated with a situation or an event, but not with relationship. Such gifts never bring satisfactions. The expected gifts, physical or emotional, can give to the child pleasure, but of attachment not to satisfy its hunger with it.
We cannot promote communication, only fulfilling requirements of the child whether he asks attention, love, understanding or respect. And though to refuse to the child what he really needs, most likely, will do much harm to your relationship, it does not mean that the way to enrichment of the relations by all means lies through satisfaction of its requirements. In involvement of our children, key factors of success are manifestation of an initiative and surprise. The our offer is more unexpected, the it is more effective. If what you offer the child it is possible to earn or deserve as an award, it will not serve cultivation of your communication.
your offer of contact has to be part fundamental primary which you give to the child. This pas in dance - not the answer to the child. It is a step to forming of the relations, again and again. This invitation to dance of all dances - attachment dance. I will repeat, it is important to transfer to the child your involuntary admiration of the fact of its existence - not when he asks you about something, but when is silent. Show it as you are happy that it is, the gestures, smiles, tone of a voice, embraces, a playful look, the offer of joint occupations or just winking.
By the way, the opinion is widespread
that to be given under the influence of inquiries of the child - means it “to spoil“. In it is unless a truth shred. Some parents try to compensate absence of natural attention, communication and contact which they do not give to the child, the fact that without analysis concede to all its requests. If we spoil something, it occurs because we do not create suitable conditions. For example, meat spoils if we forget to clean it in the refrigerator. We spoil children not when we indulge all their whims or we give too many gifts, we spoil them when we ignore their requirements. To the niece of my coauthor, young mother, the nurse advised not to keep the child on hands in maternity hospital too long because so “you will spoil it“. In total in accuracy on the contrary: we will spoil the child if we deprive of him necessary proximity. Mummy wisely ignored this “professional“ council. Babies and small children whose parents do not refuse to them contact will not become excessively exacting in process of a growing.I recognize
Ya that extremely uncertain children can demand from us terribly a lot of time and attention. The parent can dream of rest, but not of communication. The paradox is in what the attention which the parent pays to the child on demand never satisfies: it insinuates, about thought that the parent only fulfills his requirements, but does not give itself to the child at own will. Inquiries only grow, and emotional requirements which are their cornerstone are not satisfied. An exit is in grasping the moment and to invite the child to contact then when he does not ask about it. Or, in response to inquiry of the child, the parent can undertake an initiative, expressing more interest and enthusiasm, than the child expected:“ Oh, it is excellent thought. I just wanted to spend time together with you! I am so glad that you thought up it“. You surprise the child, will force it to feel that it you invite him to communication.
Cannot take control of the child or to give it what it can hold, flattering it. The praise usually belongs to something that was made by the child and therefore he, is not neither for nothing, nor something unexpected. The praise does not proceed from the adult, it follows from achievements of the child. The child cannot grasp a praise because any mistake will cross out it. Even if it could catch it, value for it would be got not by the person saying it, but achievement which caused it. It is not surprising that to some children the praise goes to harm, causing the behavior opposite to for what they were praised, or becoming a cause of failure of the child from the relations for fear of failure. whether
it Means that children can never be praised? At all not: when we recognize merits of others if they made any special contribution or made efforts for something, it helps our relations, speaks about our responsiveness and positively influences communication. But it is important that praises were not excessive, it is important to watch closely that the motivation of the child did not depend on admiration or positive opinion on it of others. Idea of the child of itself should not be based on how well he managed, or it was not possible, to meet our approval by means of the achievements or obedience. The base of true self-esteem of the child is the feeling that parents love it, accept and enjoy that it such what is.
From the book “Do not miss the children. Why parents have to be more important, than age-mates“