Neither whip, nor gingerbread! What to do when the child says “no“
What to do if the child is capricious and answers all “I do not want, I will not be“? And if the teenager in general refuses to submit? To punish - or, on the contrary, to promise something in an award? The Canadian psychologist and the psychotherapist Gordon Nyyufeld and the pediatrician Gabor Mate want to return to parents their intuition and offer effective strategy for preservation and restoration of the relations with the child.
such extreme Is - to interpret the child`s resistance as demonstration of force or as fight for omnipotence. This delusion can be understood: feeling a lack of own power, we project aspiration to the power on the child. If I do not control a situation, so it is done by my child; if I have no power, so it allocated the child; if I not main in a family, so undertake this role the child. Instead of taking the responsibility for my own weakness, I consider the child as the fighter for the power. Even the baby can seem someone an Almighty: it defines the schedule of your day, ruins your plans, deprives of you a dream, sets the tone for a situation.
the Problem that when we treat the children as to owners of force, we do not see how strongly we are necessary to them. Even if the child really tries to control us, he does so because needs us, depends on us and knows that without us to it not to cope. If it actually had force, he would not need to try to obtain from us implementation of its requirements.
Some parents go to defense, having faced the child whom they perceive as exacting, and try to be protected from it. Adults react to pressure in the same way as it is done by children - evading, resting, objecting and resisting. Our own instinct of a protivleniye wakens and forces us to struggle with our own children, and it is more fight of protivleniye, than fight of will. Sad the fact that the child in this case loses the parent whom he desperately needs.
our resistance only increases insistence of the child and undermines the attachment relations - our last hope, the most important for us.
the Relation to a protivleniye as to demonstration of force provokes us to use of psychological pressure and justifies its use. We try to oppose to the seeming use of force our force. We put on an important look, we raise the voice and we try to win at any cost. The more violence we apply, the bigger protivleniye will cause our behavior. If our behavior becomes the reason of concern which serves as a psychological alarm signal for the child and says that important attachment is under the threat, maintenance of proximity will be a main objective of our offspring.
the Frightened child will hurry to improve with us the relations and to return our arrangement. Can seem to us that we achieved the objectives, having achieved from the child of “good behavior“, but such capitulation will not take place without consequences. The relations will be weakened by the uncertainty caused by our irritation and our threats. The more we use forces, the our relations are exhausted more. The relationship becomes weaker, the risk is more that we will be replaced - today with replacement, most likely, the child`s peers will act. Not only orientation to age-mates is the main reason for emergence of a protivleniye, but also our reaction to a protivleniye can provoke its emergence.Why the violence and manipulation conduct
to negative consequences
the Instinct prompts to us that when we do not have enough forces for the solution of a task, we want to shift the mountain or to change behavior of the child, it is necessary to look for levers for this purpose. Parental levers of impact on the child, as a rule, are divided into two look: bribery and coercion. If simple instructions, such as: “Please, help to set the table“ do not work, we can add some incentive, for example:“ If you help me to lay a table, I will give you your favourite delicacy“. Or if insufficiently just to remind the child that it is time to do homework, we can threaten him to deprive of him any of his privileges. We can speak by angrier voice or be disciplined more.
Search of levers never stops: sanctions, awards, cancellation of privileges, deprivation of the computer, toys or pocket money; separation with the parent or with friends; reduction of time of viewing of the TV or a total ban on it, a ban on use of the car and so on, and so forth. Quite often it is necessary to hear how someone complains that he cannot already think up any more what else to deprive of the child.
With reduction of the parental power our need for a leverage increases. For their designation the set of euphemisms is thought up: bribery is called an award, incentive, a positive reinforcement; threats and punishments christened cautions, natural consequences and a negative reinforcement; use of psychological pressure is often called the modifying behavior or a lesson. These euphemisms mask attempts to motivate the child with the external pressure because his congenital motivation was considered defective.
Attachment is a natural feeling, it is formed in us; levers are invented and installed from the outside. We regard application of a leverage in any other area as manipulation.But in the sphere of education such ways to force the child to submit to our will often are considered as
normal and admissible. All attempts of use of levers for motivation of the child - it psychological pressure, not important, we use “positive“ coercion in the form of awards or “negative“ - in the form of punishments.
We apply violence when we speculate on sympathies of the child or we operate his antipathies and his uncertainty with the purpose to achieve the desirable. We resort to levers when we have no other opportunities any more - there is no congenital motivation which can be found, there is no affection for us on which it is possible to rely. Such tactics if it in general has the right to exist, has to be the most last resort, but not our first reaction, and definitely not our main educational reception. Unfortunately, when children become focused on age-mates, to us, parents, from a hopelessness it is necessary to look for a leverage over them.Manipulation - it is not important
, she is shown in the form of encouragement or punishments - can temporarily force the child to submit, but so we will not be able to make desirable behavior property of his personality. Whether there is a speech thanking or apologizing, sharing with someone, to make independently a gift or a card, to clean up in the room, to appreciate people around, to perform homework or to be engaged in playing a piano, - the more there will be coercions, the it is less than chances that the child will want to do it voluntarily. And the less child carries out what is required, voluntarily, the more parents and teachers are inclined to invent various levers. The antagonism of force and a protivleniye which is constantly gaining steam which demands the increasing and bigger number of levers is so started. The true support of a roditelstvo collapses.
the set of the evidence obtained experimentally or in real life, illustrating how force of a protivleniye is capable to sabotage the superficial behavioural purposes which try to try to obtain by the psychological pressure or a manipulation Exists.
B one of such experiments preschool children who liked to draw felt-tip pens participated. Children were divided into three groups: promised one group beautiful diplomas if they draw felt-tip pens; another did not promise anything, but at the end awarded for drawing with the same diplomas; did not promise the third group of diplomas and did not give. The following same test was carried out several weeks later but any awards it was not mentioned any more; both groups in which the positive reinforcement was used were much less adjusted to draw. The instinct of a protivleniye guarantees that use of force will lead to negative consequences.the psychologist Edward Desya watched
In similar experiment behavior of two groups of students of college: they needed to solve a problem which first was equally interesting to all. One group, having solved a task, earned financial reward; another did not give any external incentives. As soon as payments stopped, members of group to whom paid for the solution of tasks were much less adjusted to continue to participate in experiment, than those to which did not pay.“ Awards can increase probability of desirable behavior, - professor Desya writes, - but only until they continue to arrive. The end to awards - the end to game“. > the Children`s protivleniye it is easy for p to take
for aspiration to the power. We already cannot brag that we operate the destiny, but to raise the child, daily facing a protivleniye in it - means to introduce in our consciousness the fact of own powerlessness forever. Modern society does not surprise anybody any more and parents who are slighted by children and who feel helpless before them seem to nobody strange. When attachment “the child - the parent“ is insufficiently strong, we sharply feel own powerlessness, and we begin to suspect own children that they manipulate us, control and that they in general are far more powerful than us.All this
- symptoms. We have to get at the root. If everything that we can see is the resistance and impudence, we will answer it with rage, irritation and violence. We have to understand that the child just instinctively reacts when feels that operate him as a puppet. Behind a protivleniye we have to distinguish the weakened attachment. A problem essence - not in disobedience, the reasons are covered in orientation to age-mates which forces a protivleniye to play against adults and blocks performance of the natural functions by it.
the Most correct reaction to a protivleniye of the child is a strengthening of the relationship with it and refusal of pressure upon it.
From the book “Do not miss the children. Why parents have to be more important, than age-mates“