Razmyshlizma a la MisantropieMidday. Sunday. July. I am Home Alone. In private with. With the painful thoughts, with the to relatives - remote past and such others present.
In private with the such darling and such hated loneliness.
I hate people … even well to me familiar and pleasant people. I do not love them for empty noise and vanity with which they so torment me and therefore by all the forces I aspire in the loneliness, and I hate myself and this loneliness because, allocating me with wisdom, it tears off me from people, forcing me to see their many defects and shortcomings. And people do not forgive when you see them through. Do not forgive when do not admire them. Do not forgive when they are not forgiven. When criticize even if on business.
I am an inventor and an opener of one more feeling which so remarkably gets on in me. LYuBONENAVIST. I at the same time love and I hate. Lyubonenavizhu the loneliness. Lyubonenavizhu of people around me. Lyubonenavizhu of. This strange, silly life in which it is forced to play all roles, except own.
No, it is not love and hatred between which distance - one step. This is at the same time LYUBOV and HATRED between which there is no side.
I love and I admire everything that was created by the nature, God, God Sozdatel. The vivifying Sun without which there would be no life. The caressing Wind which it is unclear from where comes and where leaves. The washing Rain which, as well as the Sun is Life.
I love the first devstvenno - pure flowers spring vishen and pink buds of slowly waking up apple-trees. I love the century wood, a shoreless sea, abrupt mountains.
I admire all creatures, on the earth and in the sky, in water and the earth. Why the bird flies? Fish floats? How it is possible to live in the earth? Unless everyone komarik, each small insect is not the biggest riddle? There is no greatest miracle?
But I nenavizholyublyu person. Or even to a lyubonenavizh. All my troubles and misfortunes as, I think all troubles and misfortunes of others, always were, is and will be connected with the person, but not with the nature, God. The nature and God seldom do the person so unfortunate as far as he.
With the first vague feeling of a neschastnost, without any introspection faces removal of causes and effects, people in the first years of the life. In kindergarten or a domestic sandbox the competition to peers - at whom is better than a toy who draws better, reads verses, climbs fences who has a father and who has a father “the secret intelligence agent“ or the pilot etc.
Further - school, institute a little strange, in any case, in the form in which I and my generation are familiar with it as instead of development of the personality in intellectual, spiritual and cultural meanings, the school does a lot of things for suppression of the identity of the young person, force squeezing it in a framework of the norms accepted by society, morals, one-sided knowledge from which most part, for sure, will be tomorrow false, and cultivating from it the obedient engineer, the scientist, the soldier.
“The person occurred from a monkey“ - taught us to this sedition. And if the young man thought and believed differently, and not necessarily he was a believer, and, perhaps, just called into question this “the greatest thought“ and asked questions, to it there was not a place among those who took this hypothesis for an axiom.
School - some kind of godless church where everyone had to take the word to the priests - teachers. For the young man all solved: how to go as well as what to say what to think.
If at your teacher of English who never went abroad as 90% of all Soviet citizens, there was a so-called “Oxford pronunciation“, and to you at her lessons, without knowing that, suddenly would take in head to speak with the Scottish or Irish accent, you would be corrected immediately and a mark would be given corresponding. And if to you took in head to repeat this experiment - to you not to pass problems.
Or find on you a sacred whim to write with an inclination to the left, but not to the right, to draw the sky black, and the sea in the pink color, to put not in a column, and a short flight of stairs, etc.
In a word, come to your mind mad thought, or the nature so dispose, to write, consider, to speak, draw, think in a different way, and, perhaps, much more interestingly, more original and is closer to truth, you would began to be retrained that hour from “the lefthander in the right-handed person“. From here - the whole lots of various misfortunes. And even, if your ideas are awarded someone`s attention and recognized “interesting“, - all the same to you not to pass misfortunes. Your peers, friends, neighbors would exhaust you with envy and hatred, rumors and gossips, to you would not allow to live normally.
Further - it is more: wives and husbands who promised you “both in a sackcloth, and in an illness until the death separates you“, suddenly cease to love you and divorce you.
Children, your blood children whom you fed from a spoon and at whose bed you did not sleep at the long nights, suddenly want to see and understand nothing and quietly hate you.
Chiefs are petty tyrants and self-fools with which own ambitions to satisfy, at last, society which dictates the laws and does not accept strangers. All this immemorial generator of human fears, complexes, diseases, troubles and misfortunes.
From what the every second, third, fourth perishes etc. today? From warmly - vascular diseases, from cancer, AIDS, alcoholism, drugs, road accident. From what there are SSZ? From a stress at work, smoking, improper feeding. Cancer? DDP? All this “products“ of activity of the person, but not the nature.
The dirtied habitat, it is sincere - household disorder because you feel that you do not meet standards of society - it is a shame to go by “Zhiguli“ and to work in a modest desk when your friends and colleagues changed on “BMW“ and “Mercedes“ long ago and will earn vdovy - three more than yours. From there is a stress. Low self-assessment. Composure loss. HEART ATTACK.
Three years to that to me happened to go from the megalopolis to the country to the grandmother where I remained about three months. These three months I did not need to prove anybody anything. I passed all this time in sports trousers and an undershirt, was not ashamed of rural work, communicated on - simple with peasants. These three months remained in my memory as one of the few really happy moments of my life. I was happy. I did not try to seem better, than was actually. I was oneself, but not that who was wanted to be seen in me. I was simply, is banal is happy.
Pyotr Mamonov, the scandalous leader once known buffoonery - Mu`s Sounds groups, thrown everything to the yadrena the hair dryer, all this wordly popularity, obdalbyvayushchy drugs, chaotic sex and all this bohemian life is remembered, and went to the country, “to a solitude, to Saratov“. Because there - “present“, despite poverty, alcoholism, dirt, and in the city - “imaginary, false“, despite satiety, good grandmas, a glamour and other dividends of a civilization.
To be continued …