Grandmothers and grandsons: how it is correct to construct the relations of
Who such grandmother in a modern family? Free (and even paid) nurse and housemaid? Source of never-ending overindulgence and gifts? Or the vigorous lady of uncertain age, for anything not wishing to carry the title “aging“ her? Or nevertheless it is a symbol of wisdom, love, patience, family traditions? The psychologist Tatyana Shishova argues on a role of grandmothers and grandfathers.
“Having wandered“ on the forums devoted to a subject of grandmothers and grandfathers I paid attention to a steady keynote. It sounds approximately so: “The grandma is not engaged in the granddaughter, and wants that that loved her. And for what reason to love it? Love of the granddaughter it is necessary to deserve!“ Sometimes still add something contemptuous about gifts. Say, there comes once a week (and even is more rare) with gifts and thinks, it is enough.
These claims are willingly picked up, inflated by
. However, there is somebody who will object that there are other grandmothers. They have, for example, a remarkable, ready to help grandmother, on the first call comes since other end of the city: and will help about the house, and in circles of children will take away, and pension honor all spends for grandsons. But utilitarian approach is not challenged.However children everything understand
correctly! Understand not mind, and to the nurseries pure in heart which prompts to them that the family is loved not for something, and “just like that“ because they are. Unless the grandmother loses for grandsons the value if it is sick and cannot help, or, let us assume, she lives in other city or even the country?
If to march in a consumer society where the main thing - yours “I“ and to win your arrangement, it it is necessary to humour, then, certainly, loses. If to be restored to normal human life and the normal human relations, then, of course, is not present. Everything depends on system of coordinates.
Though, by the way, and in purely utilitarian, pragmatical sense any the grandmother with the grandfather including those who do not help with grandsons at all already gave them huge, unique help. Without them grandsons would not be born at all! Our ancestors always remembered to whom they are obliged by the existence, and even included a reminder on this paramount circumstance in the name of grandmothers, grandfathers and the previous generations, having called them “primogenitors“. The modern world in every possible way belittles and rejects the value of gift of life: “You will think, gave rise! Bad business simple!“
that earlier people knew and carefully stored the family tree, the gratitude to primogenitors was shown too, they were honored. And the understanding that the person is obliged to the parents and primogenitors by the most expensive - the life - was deeply implanted in our culture and psychology.
So if to want to cultivate gratitude in children, it makes sense to begin with education of gratitude to grandmothers and grandfathers. And if to reckon (especially at the child) with the mother-in-law or the mother who how many what for the kid made, then, in - the first, it is necessary to forget about education of the noble person. And in - the second, you should not count further on children`s gratitude and in relation to you.
normally to mature and harmoniously to develop, the child needs to be believed that the world good and kind that everything, especially native, love it. And not only it, but also each other. The family and wider related space have to be the territory of love and friendship. The more the amicable, loving relatives, the more quietly and more surely the child feels.
Why neither the world, nor friendship is impossible?the Essence of this problem can be expressed to
literally in a few words: as soon as at the head of a corner there are an arrogance and egoism as soon as the person aims at isolation and separation from all people around, here - that and the conflicts begin. Especially with the senior generation, grandmothers and grandfathers of the children. Why especially? Yes because, in - the first, stand on ceremony with relatives less, and in - the second, during lifetime of side by side there are friction on the household soil more often, so, it is more than reasons for offenses.
Such conflicts run high on the female line more often: between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, the daughter and mother, the woman is more focused on a family, than the man for whom, at all his attachment to a family, the social status, work, recognition in society are not less important at all.Should tell
that in general the conflicts quite often arise when the habitual course of things changes. For example, many problems of relationship of parents with children follow from the fact that children during the growth and development change all the time. And changes these sometimes happen quickly, directly - is prompt. Adult people not always manage to adapt to them. Misunderstanding and tension result: adjustment of new relationship happens almost to the touch - the traditions governing and harmonizing the relations of a former patriarchal family are almost lost.
It is frequent at “an average link“, that is at young parents, enduring children`s complexes, children`s claims to the parents, in particular to mothers as in many families of mother undertake the predominating function which is not corresponding to them remain. Then squaring of accounts, a mussirovaniye of children`s offenses begins. And it can be shown not directly, and through the grandson who in such cases becomes the hostage of the hidden fight. Mother not just brings up the child, and a lot of things do at the same time in peak of the mother, seeks to prove to her that that was not right. The grandmother, naturally, understands the hidden implication of such demonstrative education, close people feel many things without words, and too it becomes offensive for her.
And at times and the grandmother, seeking to prove something, belittles a role of mother in the opinion of the child. There is a rivalry which is difficult for overcoming if not to realize background of the events and not to change the position.
of the Grimace of infantility
It is very frequent in relationship with grandmothers and grandfathers of the child not up to the end overcome infantility of mothers and fathers is shown. What, in effect, stands behind two main claims:“ do not help“ and “interfere“? And there is behind them an infantile desire to take, anything is given in exchange. This is the spoiled child it is sure that all have to humour it, and it nothing has to nobody. But it is important to the people who matured so that they could get children to pass into other age category. The adult, unlike the child, knows that game in one gate does not happen. It is wrong and dishonest.to Begin
with the fact that grandmothers and grandfathers are not obliged to help with grandsons. Parents of the children are obliged to contain and bring up, and grandmothers and grandfathers are not. So claims here in principle are inappropriate. Everything that they do, they do of love. And sometimes there is an impression that the child not really - is necessary to mother. She just made a favor to the grandmother and the grandfather, having given birth to it to the grandson. Say, you wanted - receive.
Of course, and the senior generation can infantily behave sometimes. Let`s tell when the grandmother secretly puts to the grandson of sweet, perfectly knowing that he has from it an allergy. Or when the grandfather who got used to live under the TV does not wish to renounce the habit even those several hours that grandsons will see off in his house. Though to him already hundred times were explained that, having seen enough “horror films“, kids are afraid to fill up then one.
In such cases parents get up before a difficult question “what to do?“. Communication with the grandmother and the grandfather is necessary and the child to them is torn. And comes back home excited, disobedient, whimsical...
Without loss cannot get out of such unpleasant situation because for the child of a consequence anyway will be negative. Not to discredit the senior generation, it is possible to close eyes to the events and to tell nothing to the son or the daughter, and at the same time to try that he less at them was. But sooner or later the child will ask a question: “why houses one rules, and at the grandmother others?“ it is also necessary to explain to him, and this truth will discredit them. The second possible way - to influence the child punishment. Including without letting it to the grandmother for the fact that it breaks parental bans. But it is discredit of the senior generation too! So here business in the senior generation which should show not an infantile egocentrism and more decent I will increase wisdom and to listen to requests of parents.
But all - more often the senior generation shows not infantility, and, on the contrary, excessive responsibility, undertakes too much and by that brakes a growing of young parents. Not only that many of them much longer, than would follow, fathers with mother economically depend on the. Here, suppose, the considerable part of fault lies on the state. The vast majority of young families even during the most persistent work are not able to acquire on the money housing yet. And with earnings in different places the situation is differently. Until recently did not come to grandmothers to mind to come from far away to take away grandsons in a circle or to make in the house of the daughter-in-law a lunch - similar problems young people solved. And now it is quite widespread practice: the grandmother who, by the way, should also work as nobody is going to support her, having found time, rushes to grandsons to change their mother. Spouses should vanish, to descend on a visit or in cafe! And the son tells that, Anechka absolutely at home soured, nervous became, on children breaks...also the fact that heroism of such grandmothers, any minute ready it is necessary to throw on an embrasure, as a rule, unvalued Is symptomatic
Big mother with the father
“Grandmother“ in translation from many languages sounds as “big mother“, and “grandfather“ - “Big Daddy“. What does it mean in real life? In what, so to speak, specifics? And what place of grandmothers and grandfathers in structure of a family? How to parents it was good to harmonize the relations with them that the structure was not broken and everything?
It is no secret that today at grandmothers who missed in due time chance to become mothers having many children and were limited to one - two children, often was late wakes up a maternal instinct, and then they try to force out mothers from their lawful place, having occupied it. It becomes, certainly, under plausible excuses: mother is young and inexperienced, too busy with study, career, etc. In such cases the family structure is broken, and there are problems.
For an average link (i.e. mothers with the father) the main complexity, in my opinion, consists in ability to connect performance of a precept about honoring of the parents and creation of own family. It happens especially difficult when the young family lives under the same roof or near seniors. Therefore from grandmothers and grandfathers the step and observance of certain borders is required. It is impossible to be discharged absolutely (“let live as know“), but it is impossible and to dictate the will, otherwise the new family will not become a family. At the same time it must be kept in mind that at the disposal of grandmothers and grandfathers there is very effective means. They cannot punish the grown-up children any more and should not, and can only convince and advise. But these verbal methods of influence have the huge force as the maternal and fatherly word special.
As for a special role of grandmothers and grandfathers in life of grandsons, now, under the influence of a pragmatism, the grandmother is sometimes perceived by young mothers just as the best substitute of the nurse. Councils occur in psychological articles even to pay grandmothers money for their work. Say, there is nothing in it shameful. On the contrary, she will feel that its work is estimated! Such approach - a consequence of destruction of traditional family values, family hierarchy. It is possible to find many other, much more tactful ways of material support that it did not smell of hired labor, and meant care and gratitude. As well as has to be between dear people.was always considered as the Most important function of the senior generation as
- and still it is considered in society which does not want to lose the culture! - familiarizing of grandsons with an inner world of adults. Grandmothers and grandfathers impart to grandsons of tradition, knowledge, the experience which is saved up by the previous generations. It is extremely important to parents to induce grandsons to be interested at grandmothers and grandfathers as everything was in their far childhood and youth. Behind everyday vanity we often forget about it, other things seem to us much more significant. And then we will bethink, but late: unique knowledge and memoirs are forever carried away by old men in a grave.
Parents, being an intermediate link between grandsons and grandmothers - grandfathers, have to try to connect, but not to separate generation. And for this purpose, knowing strengths of the mothers and fathers, to direct their relationship with grandsons so that grandmothers and grandfathers of steel for children irreplaceable. One granny is easy on rise and with pleasure goes with children to theaters, the museums, to exhibitions. Great! Another adores parting a kitchen garden, to plant flowers, to gather mushrooms in the wood, knows the name of each bush and a blade. The grandfather is an inveterate fisherman, the motorist, the fan of soccer... Any positive hobby of grandmothers and grandfathers will do good to grandsons, will awaken in them reciprocal interest on which wave, quite possibly, their some abilities will reveal. And of course, it will be remembered, having filled up a moneybox of infinitely lovely memories of the childhood...
And, above all quality which grandsons appreciate in grandmothers and grandfathers it is kindness. It was so moved from time immemorial, and in it there is a deep meaning too. In the attitudes of old men towards grandsons there is less vanity. They are not tormented by pride thought which quite often prevents parents to accept and understand the child: “How so?! At me - and such difficult, useless son (daughter)!“ They have no fear that society will condemn them as society asks for the child from parents, and to parents, but not grandmothers and grandfathers, it is necessary to justify itself before people around if the child does not know something, is not able, somehow not so behaves. Therefore old men are less critical, they have more unconditional acceptance of the child. And, as a rule, there is more pity because together with wisdom also pity to people comes.
At the same time many elderly people is raised are disturbing. Therefore grandmothers are inclined to muffle up, overfeed children, to sponsor too. But all this trifles (if, of course, the child not completely on grandmother`s care) in comparison with that charge of love and care which grandsons receive from them.“ There would be my granny, am afraid of nobody, the grandmother - a guard, a fist - the hammer“ - says one proverb.
Already nearly forty years as one my grandmother is absent, and fifteen - another, and warmly which they gave me, still warms my soul. Coming back from the next business trip, I catch myself that still subconsciously I wait for a call. “How went?“ - the grandmother Shura always remembered day of my arrival and often managed to call at that very moment when I crossed a threshold. As it did in time that I already at home, do not know, then there were no cell phones. Probably, heart felt, this most sensitive antenna - antenna love.