What are lonely mothers afraid of?
of the Woman can do everything. And to bring up the child without father - too. Many with gloss prove it - including to the ex-husband. But all - at heart the lonely woman is disturbed by many questions concerning education and further life of her children. The main fears of mothers who already endured divorce or only seriously reflect on it, the psychologist Aneta Orlova will try to dispel.
Fear that will deprive of the father`s child
of the Woman which do not feel happy in marriage, sometimes, as if a spell, words repeat:“ The child has to have a father“. Here these words have no only any magic force - do not do the relation of spouses stronger, do not teach them to love and to respect each other. Nevertheless, mother (mother, but not the wife) tries to keep the family, closes eyes to problems with the husband and completely concentrates on the child. As a result the man and the woman coexist in house space, avoid difficult talk and preserve in himself irritation. As you understand, the child becomes the witness of negative communication of parents, as a result it forms the distorted model of the relations between the man and the woman, and also the wrong understanding of a family. It turns out that the meaning of the maternal victims is in many respects lost.
By the way, recently sociologists from the USA conducted research and found out that the children who endured divorce of parents have every chance to construct happy family life. Authors of research are sure: on kids the greater influence is exerted by not the official status of mother and father, and that how cordial relations parents managed to keep.“ It is possible to live under the same roof, but to swear constantly, and it is possible to divorce, but to remain good friends. Many parents, wishing to be an example for children, choose the first option and suffer each other. The child who grew up in such conditions will repeat destiny of the parents rather“, - sociologists say.
But excellent means for prevention of this fear - care of the matrimonial relations from the first day of marriage and all subsequent time is. It is not necessary to replace these relations detsko - parental in which there is a lot of warmth, responsibility, but there is no place to an inclination. In other words, the woman should not forget that the man who became the father remains her spouse needing emotional contact, care, attention. Of course, both partners, but as the woman wiser and plastic, makes sense to take the initiative are responsible for the relations in a family. In total - investments into contact with the husband is a contribution to the future of the child, and forcing out the husband on the periphery of a family, our heroine, in fact, violates the interests of the kid.
If the woman brings up the child one, at it the fear for the life can be activated: “If I do not become who will take care of the kid?“ . Mother thinks out to herself various sores, draws sad pictures of the future in imagination, and in the present does not feel pleasure and happiness of motherhood. Of course, it is impossible to insure himself from all problems, but there are ways to reduce alarm. Our heroine needs to show consideration for the health, to try to adjust communication of the child with the father, to take care of contact of the kid with grandmothers and grandfathers. It is possible to be engaged in practicians who will help to reduce uneasiness, to lead a healthy lifestyle.
Fear that will not be able to bring up the real man
Education of the son - a task not from simple, especially in case the father of the boy lives separately. Judge, mother gives to the child skills which often does not possess, and forms the courageous image created by her imagination. So the fear to grow up mother`s darling is quite natural and natural. However these experiences quite often pass into the background when the woman begins to think of awkward age of the beloved child: Whether “I will be able to cope with the son - the teenager?“ . To be protected from problems in the future, the woman can control and suppress the son at that stage while he is afraid of punishments and easily comes under maternal influence. In this case mother teaches the boy to be silent and soft, forbids it to fight, abuses for aggression and excessive activity. In other words, tries to obtain from the son of behavior which is more characteristic of girls. Maternal egoism such as you understand, not in the best way affects the child`s life, society constantly checks men for durability.
Of course, in the presence in a zone of reach of the father of the child or any other significant man (the stepfather, the grandfather) experiences of the woman will not assume so serious scale. The image of the real, worthy man is important for the boy. He follows an example of it, seeks to imitate it, to his authoritative opinion listens and is afraid of his strict word. My acquaintance brought up the remarkable son without the aid of the husband, but with assistance of the father. To provide the child to all necessary, she worked at two works, home came when the son already slept. The grandfather wrote down the grandson in sambo section, controlled attendance, encouraged achievements, and after defeat led the educational, inspiring discussions. Today the graduate of school is among the best athletes of the city, is a defender of the mother and the girlfriend, and also tries to be the worthy man - as the grandfather who is absent now nearby.If in the house does not have
the strong man, mother should cope with education of the son independently. In this case it is necessary to instill in the boy values throughout all life and not just while the fear began to arise. But also you should not go too far. It is better to control the aspiration to subordinate the child, to correct the actions and words, to try to become for the son the authority and the friend.
From the book “In fight for real men. Fears of the real women“