Probably, each mother at least once had “forbidden“ feelings: rage on own kid, anger, irritation, and then - painful shame and wine. At the same time, if in the relations with adults our negative emotions can not cause a big loss, then in the relations with the child they are always destructive. Especially if such emotional flashes repeat time from time...
the Parental love is always inconsistent
. On the one hand, with anybody mother has no such close connection, as with the child. With another, responsibility for life and wellbeing of the child, dependence of own life on the child`s life - always heavy freight and therefore to keep a constant positive spirit not so - that is simple.
Irritation for fatigue
“My kid was born
premature and from the first days with it many problems. He constantly cries, shouts, demands something, at the nights does not sleep. Sometimes on me such rage finds that I do not recognize myself - I can begin to shout at it or to splash in an anger rush. Then itself I pay together with it, I promise myself that I it last time, but can make nothing, and it repeats again and again. All people around consider me as the kind person and excellent mother, and I - here such“. (Evelina, 25 years)
All of us sometimes are angry - with passersby, the chief and colleagues, relatives and friends. Why attacks of rage and irritation on own child stand independently?
In - the first, the bewilderment passing into alarm arises: this is the most favourite, native and long-awaited kid, I love him - so happens to me?
In - the second, understanding: this is just the child even if he behaves badly, the adult here I - also have to keep a situation under control.
Well and at last, the third - understanding of full children`s vulnerability: I often break the negative emotions which are actually directed not to him at all on the child - the kid involuntarily becomes the lightning rod.
So, it is not just rage, it and confusion, sense of shame, fault, rage on itself. And the kid cannot but notice all this. How it reacts? Most often his behavior which became an initial reason for mother`s emotions becomes even worse. Mother is angry more, again accuses herself, the child becomes absolutely intolerable - and so around.
Mother`s anger, especially when it becomes daily, always undermines belief of the child in safety of world around, in the value of his personality, in certainty of love of relatives. Children are insufficiently skilled to understand motives of behavior of adults. They are too busy with own feelings to analyze the reasons of these or those acts of other people. For example, if do to the child the loud and angry remark, it seems to it that parents reject it. It keeps in memory of action and the statement, the caused spoiled mood and disappointment. He does not realize that parents, trying to change his behavior to the best, show thereby the love.
Therefore needs to deal with own emotions, remembering that on us, adults, responsibility on creation of the adequate relations with the child lies.
About the reasons
Oksana (25 years) expected a baby in wonderful mood, everything proceeded perfectly, and she imagined how it will begin childbirth, the doctor will come, will accept the beautiful rozovenky child as she will apply his breasts. She imagined that she with a smile will look at the kid while he satisfies hunger, and then will lay it in a beautiful bed and will begin to discuss with the husband last day. Represented how both grandmothers will dream to sit with the child while his mother has a rest... From the first fights everything went not so. It turned out what to give birth more painfully, than she imagined, and the doctor divided the attention between her and two more women, and the child was not so rozovenky, but some blue, and he could not take a breast at once, the doctor explained: pier, nipple very inconvenient. Oksana even more often cried: well why nobody told it about it, well why the husband at work all the time earlier, and after work he wants to sleep, the mother-in-law goes on theaters and girlfriends, answering:“ Same your child, here will grow up, with myself I will take in theaters“. Feeding by a breast turned into total torment: at first the child did not want to take a breast, and then for hours could not come off it. From the beginning of feeding Oksana dreamed of putting the child to bed, but he did not want to lie also there. Tears in the afternoon, tears at night - and all one, one... Actually the family helped Oksana much, but it turned out that it was not that help, which it to itself a napredstavlyala and therefore it was psychologically difficult to it to accept it.
“I very much expected this baby and considered that I will be good mother. Represented how I will be engaged with it, to read it books, to go to theaters. In reality ours with it day consists of infinite hysterics - and both it, and mine. He does not want to wash, does not want to make the bed, does not want to walk, does not want to eat - wants nothing, everything does on the contrary! I break, I shout, just I go crazy. All my dreams and ideals were fairy tales. Now I think that I, probably, would continue to build the career better. I refused everything to become mother, but, probably, I am not created for this purpose...“ (Irina, 30 years)
Why we are angry with the child? The reason, to be exact, an occasion, will be every day: endlessly cries, does not collect for itself a toy, is capricious, arranges hysterics in shop, does not want to do homework and so on. whether
But the reason it for so strong reactions, emotions, often uncontrolled and frightening ourselves? Of course, there is something else, something not in the child, and in ourselves. What can it be in what the reasons of tantrums and rage?
Especially it is actual
for mothers of children about one year. If nobody helps the woman with the child, or this help is minimum, such freight of cares falls down it that the fatigue is inevitable here. Especially sharply this problem rises if the child is sick. This fatigue both physical, and emotional - mothers of kids almost always eat with parts, sleep a little and even if sleep, then “with the included brain“ to hear each sigh of the beloved child. This emaciated state inevitably conducts to nervous breakdowns, and object the child, mother almost always with it alone, of course, becomes more often.
Narrowing of vital space
to Mother of the small child almost always should lay aside the interests, work, former hobbies and habits - all its time and forces leave on one, on care of the kid. The first several months it occurs by itself, on a wave of a maternal instinct. When the child slightly grows up, begins to sit, go, refuses a breast, there comes a certain crisis. In mother the child has no such obvious need any more, mother suddenly realizes as she missed own life and was tired “to sit within four walls“, but really it cannot separate the child from itself and often has no opportunity to devote some time to itself. It is the heaviest when to help with the kid there is nobody, but sometimes matter not only in it. Many mothers theoretically have an opportunity to leave the child for a while with the father, the grandmother, the girlfriend and to leave somewhere on the affairs, but do not consider themselves to have the right (“as I can have a good time and throw the kid?“ ). The choice is seemingly conscious, but involuntarily mother all the same sees the reason in the child and risks to break on it.
the Internal ban on negative emotions
It is known that if to the boiling teapot to stop up a nose, eventually will just break off it. If mother categorically does not allow himself to be angry and irritated on trifles on the favourite kid, as a result it will come to an end in emotional failure. Especially often so happens in families where the kid long-awaited, only. The child made something not so, it naturally angers mother, but she constrains emotions and quietly explains to the child in what his mistake. Actually the child is quite capable to endure mother`s rage if it is adequate to an act, it is even necessary for its emotional development. The hurricane of negative emotions in response to some trifle which became “trigger“ really will frighten him. Without saying that it is possible to discharge a negative not only in the relations, but also listening to loud music, breaking off paper on small scraps, playing sports - each to their own.
the Overestimated expectations from the child One mother told
that her five-year-old child cannot independently carry out the houses of a task received on courses of early development in any way, and she terribly is angry and begins to shout at it. Whether the child is guilty of mother`s rage here? No. Its overestimated expectations are guilty. The five-year-old child is not capable to perform independently any tasks or without reminder of mother to go to bed - it did not create self-checking yet. Real ideas of opportunities and difficulties of the child are very important.
of Doubt in own competence
Often it happens during age crises when the child, still yesterday obedient and quiet, suddenly completely leaves from - under control. The confusion of parents passes into feeling of powerlessness, powerlessness - in rage and irritation. Subconscious fear “I am bad mother“ externally it is shown in more clear “Is an intolerable child!“. And until we begin to think of the actions and to change them, the rage will not disappear, the behavior of the child will not change.
the Underestimated self-assessment, the conflict relations with own parents, rejection of, a depression, losses, the family conflicts and so on - all these problems do not disappear with the child`s birth anywhere, and the part of them only becomes aggravated. Unresolved problems, deeply hided pain always bring to strange, unreasonable from the outside, to failures and often - on the closest.
of the Projection with me the same as his father, my ex-husband!“ - one mother complained of the son. Our rage on the child quite often actually rage on his father, on own parents, on...
What can be changed? >
First of all, of course, it is important to h2 to understand the reasons. To separate that, as for actually child, from that, as for itself.
Often mothers ask
questions: as to me to help the child to develop the necessary qualities how to bring up him that he obeyed and so on. All these actions are quite useless, so far mother sees the child biassedly, through the fatigue, the irritation, through a prism of own problems.
how stewardesses speak to passengers on the plane when instructing?“ If you travel with the child, at first provide with an oxygen mask of, and then - the child“. At first sight sounds selfishly, but we understand that it is correct. The same concerns also education. Mother has to take care of herself, only then she will be able to care for the child.
Several practical recommendations
Try to organize so your life that there was though minimum time for itself, for the hobbies and hobbies, and also just on rest. First of all - afford it psychologically.
do not begin educational conversations with the child if you feel that were tired, are angry. Change the situations causing flashes of rage. For example, if it always occurs when you check the child`s lessons, reconstruct a situation, do not even take his notebook in hand, and, for example, write the list for the child that it has to check at itself(himself) in a notebook.
Make everything to learn not to answer provocations of the child immediately. Count up to ten, induce themselves to do several deep breaths at first. The head clears up, and becomes already much more simply to react adequate. Uncontrollable fits of anger are most destructive always.
Try not to blame yourself for the experienced emotions, and to switch to rational approach, to search of a real exit. Some, let small, changes are always possible. And the fault only aggravates a situation.
If you broke on the child and feel that you it undeservedly, simply apologize to it, tell that you very much regret. Sincere apologies will not cause a loss to the parental authority, and even on the contrary - will strengthen it.
you Learn to express to the child the related negative emotions in shape, not doing harm. “As you angered me this act!“ “I was awfully tired today, give me five minutes of silence, and then we will play“ - you say it so that emotions came to light, but did not offend and did not offend other person, the child.
time to analyse your feelings: at what moments they arise more often in response to what actions of the child that warms negative emotions even more. The more you will understand the emotions, the it will be simpler to operate to you them.
Get support of relatives - do not hesitate to speak about the emotions, the fatigue, irritation. You find an opportunity to be uttered, it very much helps, do not try to be the such firm tin tell-tale.
If does not manage to cope with problems independently, surely address experts.