Rus Articles Journal

Motherhood altar: how to get rid of sense of guilt of

Probably, any mother who is going to subcontract the child to cares of the nurse or kindergarten tutors feels not quite comfortably. Even if need to share with someone parental cares is objective even if the decision hundred times is verified - a worm with the crown phrase about mother - the echidna by all means will give a vote...

A if it is about the adopted child, the chorus of the condemning “well-wishers“ convinced that newly made mother in general has to forget about herself and the life also joins a voice of a worm, having completely devoted itself to the child. And how here to be to women who actually have to earn because there are no other persons interested to support them simply?

From zero about one year

Actually, alignment of forces in such delicate question as search of the nurse, in many respects is defined by age of the kid. The last causes as difficulties which parents should face, trusting the child to foreign person, and requirements to the nurse.


to Kids about one year needs the Wet nurse - big, soft, ready always to warm. Certainly, these definitions should be considered exclusively symbolically. You can be Thumbelina of one and a half meter in height in a jump, and in general - the man. The main thing - to hold an image of “the sosts flowing milk“ before an internal look. To embrace, accept, to feed at any time, to give what is necessary now.

Other major function of mother of the baby - to call and designate. Not only birdies behind a window, but (and this most important!) - child.“ And who at us woke up? Petenka woke up! And what Petenka cries? And it has wet shorts. And here we will go now, we will wash the boy, we will put on dry shorts... Here the milk was warmed, now Petenka will eat and to it it will be good“.

It is ridiculous? Reminds national fairy tales? Actually these humourous catchphrases you bring order to internal chaos - like Adam who named the beings created by God, awakening thereby consciousness of the world. Only from parents the child learns about the existence, the field, a name. Thanks to this knowledge it builds an internal image of... Here it is possible to distract and present for a minute how, most likely, called the baby before emergence in you in a family. With confidence it is possible to tell that expressions “my happiness“, “sun“ and “mother`s pleasure“ was not there. Also the child respectively feels.

qualities which the good nurse has to possess also follow From the last feature: she is quiet, surely treats the kid, and... constantly talks. It is lucky in a carriage - talks, brings on the platform - talks, swings on a swing, plays a Kulichiki, changes clothes, wipes a nose, it is lucky home - and talks, talks, talks. The bad nurse brings a carriage on a playground, gets a paper bag of sunflower seeds and begins to stir with friends while the child sits in a carriage fastened.

From two

the Following stage in development - is also more senior 2 - 2,5 years than

. Speaking to language of science, age of office of internal objects when the child finds out that it and mother or the father - different persons. Up to this point mother was by default perceived by the kid as own hand, though very big and taken out outside. She submitted to his desires and did so that to “owner“ it was good. And it absolutely precisely was its part.

When the child suddenly faces the fact that mother does not submit, he feels the strongest disappointment and falls into violent anger. Present yourself on its place: your leg suddenly rebelled and ceased to obey you! Besides, she still descended on training of personal growth and now declares that actually she orders you. Is from what to be upset and go into a hysterics.

on the other hand, the child begins to realize that if mother - a separate being, then it can leave in general. Forever. And what then will be? And - And - And - And - And - And - And - And!!! Difficult age and.


to the Two-year-old - the Protestant need rules, constancy and compromises. It is better not to leave nevertheless it at this moment, it is easier to come to work when the kid is more senior or is younger.

If to you nevertheless had to come to work during this period, be convinced that the nurse knows about specifics of age. That is she will fanatically not accustom the kid to a pot, will allow it to show independence in the reasonable doses which are able to transfer hysterics and it is correct to react to them.

the Kid can become angry very much about you - to such an extent that will begin to declare: “I do not love you, leave!“ Your task - to sustain his anger and to assure of your invariable love. At the correct passing of this stage you receive the creative and independent person.

Endured revolt of “tremendous two years“ one more test - romantic love is necessary to

. During the period between three and five - six years you need to protect vigilantly the borders, not to allow the child to get between parents (in literal and figurative sense), without forgetting to assure person passionately in love that, “when you will grow up, you will have an own, certain wife, and we with the father will look at you and to rejoice“.

With the nurse at this age everything is very simple

: allow the kid to fascinate any pretender and to make the choice. If these two fall in love with each other, you will have no problems. Do not take the strict governess of a style of Froken Bock - we will begin to learn and bring up later. whether

I Am guilty


the Choice of a suitable candidacy the nurse`s problem, unfortunately, is not limited to

. Happens so, as the nurse is found, and contact with the child at it is come, and rest in a family both was not, and is not present: observing as the kid communicates with the stranger, mother suddenly begins... to be jealous.

in many respects the similar jealousy feeds on

on sense of guilt. If at heart you are not sure that you have the right for full-fledged social life if it seems to you that you sacrifice the child to own ambitions if you are sure that “good mother would never act this way“ - the jealousy will torment at each opportunity. You close behind yourself an entrance door, and the baby who was just inconsolably sobbing begins to coo gently, and the nurse there too purrs something...

to deal with the internal installations and to find at last the good nurse, ask yourself several questions.

Actually, is present no drama contradiction as the working mother, is equal as there is no identity in the equation “unemployed mother - mother - an ideal“. It is simple to eat women who are completely realized in a family, and there are those who for one reason or another feel need to get on “in the world“. At the same time as the working woman can effectively manage to care for children, and idle it can be in actual fact not the best mother.

the Specific moment

It is no secret that at adoptive parents on all standard fears and experiences also “specifics“ are imposed, even from ““ it is possible to hear sometimes: why in general it was necessary to take the child if at once to hand over him to the nurse or in kindergarten?

Actually, similar charges are equally illogical and unauthorized. If you decide to give to a garden of the blood child, nobody will tell you also the word whereas with reception at once there is a set of questions. Meanwhile, very few people so need rest and psychological unloading as mothers of reception kids, especially during adaptation. The children getting to a family from establishment demand to themselves a huge number of attention - many times more than what the blood child needs. And not any parents are capable to compensate this requirement only at the expense of own resources. To whom it will be bad if to them experts come to the rescue? Truly and the fact that if mother “from the principle“ decides to spend the whole days without a break with the kid, problems can appear from where did not wait.

In the final account quality of communication with the child is defined not only and not just by a number of hours, carried out together how many subjects as this time was spent.

Not number, but ability?

However and early to put a final end the last statement. Very often working mothers seek to compensate the lack of the house by “shock“ attention to the child during week-end, obligatory visit of cultural actions, trips behind gifts, expensive occupations. Drives their same sense of guilt: I do not walk with the child, I do not take away him from a garden, but I four times a year take out its abroad, we together dive and saw Mona Lisa in the original. To it will be what to remember!

However, trying to give to the child “everything“, it is worth to remember about specifics of the foster home consisting that at the time of hit home internal time of the child “is as if nullified“, the counter is started anew. Even the ten-year-old adopted child passes anew all stages of development: the newborn (the main task - attachment establishment), the obstinate two-year-old, the gentle and adoring preschool child...


A now: you will drive on the museums of the six-month-old kid? Besides not really healthy? - and it. Arrange quarantine, impose the moratorium on all additional impressions - at least, for the first half a year - year. You will notice, quickly or slowly there is at you an adaptation what age crises there passes your kid as far as he is ready to new opening. You do not hurry, you have ahead still all life, and nobody will tell precisely when it is worth putting all wisdom and culture of mankind in this little head. Perhaps, through a two-three of years it will ripen both to Caravaggio, and to Mahler.

Fears and alarms

What mother differs in

from the father? Well, really? Why does not disturb fathers at all that children will move away from them what they will pass important stages in development of the child what the child will become attached not to it, and to someone to another? Most likely, business in socially - role function of the man, not without reason is told: “Not the father, and light under a door of its office brings up“. Even sea captains do not tear on themselves hair: “Ah, as there my son, I do not see how he grows!“ . In addition, to be at distance today does not mean at all to be ignorant: modern means of communication allow and to see (in the most literal sense of the word) as the child grows and to do with him homework and to tell the fairy tale before going to bed, even being on the opposite end of Earth.

my grandmother is still living

and is well. However, it is far from us - in nine time zones. What does not prevent it to have breakfast almost every day with us at all, to be present at all family holidays, to interfere dauntlessly with private and public life of grandsons and great-grandsons. Recently with the husband it was necessary to us to the city, and the younger daughter was hurt by the head. And here the grandmother is just knocked on “Skype“.

- Oh, - I told, - stay with small while I drive in shop, all right? - also left.

we Come back in three hours: almost lifeless oh, at small all lessons are made, verses are learned, even music they worked. But the grandmother was very tired, very much: 84 years that you want. Did not call then day two.

generally, God grant health and rich husband (or wife?) to inventors of “Skype“.

If you work with

full day what prevents you to call home, to establish a web - a chamber, to be thrown by the SMS - Kami? Only not with the person on duty “Made lessons? Immediately sit down to be engaged!“ and not with a reminder “Take a walk with a dog“ - and with something ridiculous, intimate, tender. Kids about one year and that are capable to communicate via the screen (the truth, strive to lick it and to glance “for that party“).

So a problem not in the nurse, and in your alarm. If you manage with someone very understanding and quiet to speak all the fears if you are authoritatively told that you do not commit any crime, will give an example of the cordial, confidential and strong relations between the working mother and her children - you will find a way to so organize the life that in it there was a place to all: to work, children, friends, love.