Young family: the first crisis of
it is well-known that in the first years of family life of the spouse get acquainted and learn to accept each other, try to reach compromise. At someone this process proceeds rather smoothly, at someone - with great difficulty. How with the smallest losses to overcome a stage of mutual adaptation, the psychologist Evgenia Zotkina tells.
- What most widespread mistakes are made by spouses in the first years of a matrimony? Whether it is possible to avoid them and if yes, that as?
- One of important conditions of adaptation in marriage is ability to be psychologically flexible. Each person gets used to the tenor of life, to the habits while he lives one. The more rigidly it is attached to the lifestyle, the more difficult to it to change something in a matrimony. Ability to change and acceptance of new conditions is a compatibility factor, an internal possibility of the person to accept other rules of the game which arise in the matrimonial relations. Often in the first years of marriage bright feelings help spouses to cope with a new stage in life. It seems to them that everything is fine, easy and cloudless.
the Main starting contention mechanism in a family is as it is paradoxical, the child`s birth in the first year of joint life. At first couple is in euphoria, and then suddenly everything turns out absolutely not so perfectly and easily as spouses imagined it. The child in this situation becomes a provocative factor - or this union is loosened, or rallies. Real life after the birth of the child it is frequent at all not such as many imagine it therefore through some time there occurs the disappointment and a dissatisfaction. Life becomes complicated: if before the spouse belonged only to themselves and the desires, then now the child becomes the main character. The man feels deprived and lost, he receives less attention to which he got used. The woman feels dropped out of social life, it seems to her that it is not so desired and interesting to the man who comes from work tired; and she was tired as she was engaged all day in the child. There is a large number of problems which, of course, can be solved if people understand that this vital period will not last eternally that it is temporary.
Are couples at which in the first years of marriage children are not born, and nevertheless in such unions there are difficulties too. It, for example, distribution of household duties, the solution of situations which arise day by day. If people did not learn to take the responsibility for participation in household process, then it leads to disagreements: why I have to do it, I did not get used to be engaged in it, I will not clean the apartment, behind products I will not go to shop etc.
When people meet before marriage, they see each other only from the good party. The woman usually stays in optimistic mood, the man shows the best qualities and when the same people marry, they begin to dare to be with each other such what they are. For many there is revelation a difference meanwhile to what the partner during a time of courtings, and what he seemed now when it does not fascinate anybody any more.
If to generalize all these examples, it is necessary to tell that in modern society people have certain ephemeral ideas that life is a continuous holiday that everything has to be cheerful and remarkable... It is that image which is offered to us by mass media. Probably, it is quite good when the person can enjoy life and find good in all that surrounds him. But if spouses marry expectation of constant euphoria and want that their relations brought only joy, of course, such expectations will lead spouses to disappointment. A lifebuoy in this situation - mutual support. It is not necessary to look for in another positive impulses, they first of all need to be generated in themselves and then to share these emotions with another. If the partner waits from another only for the fact that he will be entertained and in every possible way to please him, then this position will lead to disappointment. And if people understand that it is with each other interesting to them that they can create together the unique world, then at such approach to the relations of spouses waits for a set of surprising opening.
- When there comes time to build borders with each other, with relatives, friends? How to do it that nobody took offense?
- Borders between people are built gradually from the very beginning of acquaintance. When people make the decision to establish a family, they first treat that it is not pleasant to them in the partner`s relatives - the most important that we together we more indulgently - one family. Then, in process of decrease in level of euphoria in the relations, relatives act as the additional disappointing and irritating stimulators. Also first people try not to declare the real desires and requirements only because they are afraid to lose the partner. Also the illusory image is created: I here such remarkable, and all am ready to accept all. But as soon as the relations are stabilized, they stop being supervalue, the person is already able to afford to prove to be other part - more real. The person begins to make the demands, conditions, to declare true desires. And here it is very important to understand that there is a certain code of the rules obligatory to observance. Even if there is no strong wish to visit often relatives, it is externally important to keep to them respect. It is also necessary to understand that relatives of your spouse / spouse have the settled relations, and they have an emergence in a family of the person who tries to change these relations, certainly, will cause resistance. The ideal position in this question - to try to observe a neutrality in the relations with the spouse / spouse`s relatives.
- It is how important to young family to live separately from parents and why? Whether it is worth waiting a little with marriage, there will be yet no opportunities to live separately?
- it is unconditional if such opportunity is, then, of course, it is better for young couple to live separately from parents because while you live with parents, all of you equally remain children. Yet you have no own space where you can be oneself, the role relations “the son - the daughter“ join. Unconsciously so it develops that spouses have to build up the relationship not only with each other, but also with parents. Spouses are forced to adapt to the general way and that system in which they live. Even that person to whose parents the spouse or the spouse comes, has with parents new relations which are built in the scheme of role-playing games. And it creates to newlyweds additional difficulties.
- What claims are inadmissible to each other during so-called “grinding in“? Why they are inadmissible?
- When one person begins to be disappointed in another, depending on bitterness degree (often he is offended on the ideas of other person - that they did not coincide with reality) he begins to hurt the partner. When the person already well studied another, he knows the most vulnerable and vulnerable parties of his personality, and these “aim blows“ to the most sick remain in memory with the partner on very for many years. It can be outer defects, a self-assessment of the person, with what he was already born and to change it not in forces. He perceives it as treachery as it trusted, opened, and the partner hits into this zone where it is very vulnerable and powerless. The person of it long will not forget, it not just some unpleasant statement, and intended painful attack, and of course, it is very difficult to forgive.From this point in the relations divergences often begin
. It seems that on emotions you squabbled, more feasibly each other was “bitten“, and then it seems all also was forgotten. But the deposit all the same remains. Therefore it is very important to remember that it is never impossible to beat the most sick. It is possible to express emotionally, in a fit of temper, but to try not to beat deep things, realizing as it is strongly possible to touch with it. It is still important not to do it because at the partner the desire to revenge unconsciously begins to appear: to find at you the same painful point which can be struck with the same “aim blow“. All this over the years collects, collects, the trust vanishes, offenses it is very difficult to forgive - and between people, apparently, relatives, there is an insuperable abyss. Therefore it is always important to remember that there are things through which it is impossible to step. >
- What foundation it is important to p to lay in the first years of family life that marriage was happy? >
- It is very important to strong to preserve each other against negative emotions which have no relation to the matrimonial relations. It is, certainly, laborious work - it is necessary to learn to tell, for example, about a situation at work, without joining in it emotionally. The person comes from work, loaded with certain emotions, and involuntarily broadcasts them on the partner. > to the Woman it is very important to p to feel
in what state the husband came home, not to interfere in his space until he does not want it, not to make a claim from a threshold. If the man is tired and angry, he cannot get rid of the emotions overflowing it at once, is not ready for conversation - important to understand that now it is worth leaving him alone and to allow it to cope with emotions. It is necessary to learn not to take mood of the partner personally, to give it the chance “to become impregnated“ with the atmosphere of the house - to watch TV, to eat quietly. Then, most likely, he will share with you the news. Then you receive both attention, and caress from the husband.the Female mentality is more mobile
, than man`s, is better adapted for switching from one state in another. It is great science - creation of the house atmosphere that everything it was good. If the person can offer the desires for a while and endure what he received less from the relations today, at the same time to provide with the behavior to other person the comfortable atmosphere, then the grateful spouse for it will render.
- If the spouse after a wedding had own interests which can not coincide with interests of another how it is correct to react to it?
- In - the first, it is necessary to understand that other person is not similar to you - it is natural and normal. He not always wants to do that you want to do, and as if people were close, they will never be identical. And you too often do not want to do what wants to be done to the partner. An optimal variant of the relations - when people give each other the chance to reserve own space. This internal freedom and personal space create feeling at the partner that it is understood that it can be such what it is, and it is accepted it.
- If the spouse has a desire to be alone even in the first years of a matrimony is not an occasion to think that the love passed, or nevertheless it is worth reflecting? Why such desires can arise?
- is present Nothing terrible in it, here everything besides depends on a situation. All our disappointments in family life occur because that any situation does not meet our expectations. If the person wants to sit with the book, to watch TV or just to think alone, to restore forces after intense day - it is necessary to understand that it is its way of existence during a certain period of time. At this moment other partner needs to give it this chance, not to disturb. But if the spouses / spouse all the time hold a distance, then, of course, it guards, and there is a question: “Why we together, if you all the time without me?“
the Difficult situation can arise when in marriage one spouse wants to share everything and to tell everything, and at this moment it is important to another to be alone. It is good when the exchange of desires occurs in a polite and valid form, and nobody at the same time takes offense. Each person takes “a narrow“ therefore if you never have a desire to stay alone, hardly you will understand the person who has such desire. But in this situation it is important to be respectful to “strangeness“ of another even if it is unclear and unusual for you.If people marry
understanding that it will not correspond to their imaginations, the relations between partners develop well, disappointments are minimum. It is important to mark out the main qualities which you appreciate and you respect the spouse, to separate minor things to which it is possible to close eyes and to give to the partner freedom. Usually petty cavils are and there is a result of a dissatisfaction from discrepancy of our representations and reality. Often it comes to an end with a gap or pours out in the difficult painful relations. Marriage is first of all internal work over by itself, and it brings much more results, than attempt to change other person.