What do parents wait from the children for?
Let the first read offer will set thinking: and for what you wait from this article? Reflected? Of course, expectation is connected with our idea of the desirable. These are our hopes, dreams, desires. And now present that these hopes and dreams did not come true. The result turned out absolutely another. Perhaps, opposite. Or similar to what was supposed, but having unplanned additional introduction. Or such of which we could not think:“ The iron wanted to make - the elephant turned out suddenly“...
A pay attention to the reaction now: disappointment, just anger, exinanition. Or interest, pleasure, passion, desire it is urgent all to correct and make so that what is conceived turned out in accuracy? Anyway, that we could receive the desirable, expectation is succeeded by action for its achievement (for example, to read up article up to the end). Then we compare result to a plan, perhaps, we make final changes. Also we speak to ourselves: “Perfectly, in accuracy as it is necessary“ or “To m - yes. Something not that“.All this
it is fair if our actions are directed to an inanimate object which for some reason should be improved or corrected. And if on the place of a subject living own child? What I or it have to do that my expectations were executed? Even more often parents come to the psychologist with a request:“ Make something with the son (daughter): does not obey, badly studies, became uncontrollable. We waited what will be our assistant, the excellent student, the athlete... “Add at will. Sometimes parental expectations are even more rigid: “We put in it to the maximum, he is obliged to us, and instead... whether“
is reminded to you by this relation to an inanimate object? There are I and my expectations - and there is a subject which did not justify them. You are a master therefore correct him and return to me it what I want to see him... Of course, it is extreme cases. Only, unfortunately, it is more and more such cases. Both both parties - both the parent, and the child - feel disappointment.
Between a debt and hope
Exactly at this stage the classical question arises: “What to do?“ Make for yourself so wishlist fashionable now: describe what you wait from the child for. After drawing up such list try to divide expectations on actual and long-term. For example, that arrived on time home that successfully handed over SFE this year - actual expectation. To carry on family traditions and to become the doctor / businessman / architect, successfully to marry / marry, bring a glass of water in old age (to an ug, for this purpose we raise children... but nevertheless there is also it) - long-term.
we Will clear actual expectations. For a start look at their reality: to wait ridiculously from the child of the first place in tennis competitions if he only took a racket in hand. Look at an okrashennost of these expectations: they are more similar to obligations or hope? What position in relation to the child is taken by you? And if as any loving parent, you want for the child of the best, light and big (for certain coincided with points of long-term expectations), then we will try to find something between obligation and hope. If a position “I from it wait“ = “it has to“ = “I demand“, then it means “I subordinate the child to the will, suppressing his efforts“. And who stated success of the child in long-term plans? Success without strong-willed efforts - rather difficult occupation. But whether so harmlessly “to hope“? It is simple to hope, lying on a sofa and not making any efforts. Suddenly as - nibud will decide. Or to throw responsibility on another (the child in this case): you did not equal my hopes! Everything, sense of guilt is provided to the child.
we Will talk?for
Pay attention: both in one, and in other position there is no dialogue with the child. Namely dialogue allows us to look at life really. I see the world, I see myself in this world, I see another in this world and I interact both with the world, and with it. And then it is already history not about expectations from another, and about forming of interaction with it. It about readiness to come to the rescue, ability to agree. I tell another what I would like to receive from it and what I can give it. By the way, not all parents are ready to tell the expectations, even actual, to children. And then how the child has to learn about it? Probably, on the disappointed sigh of parents and a remark in its address: we - that you waited for the five, a victory at competitions, pity to mother who was tired at work and washing of ware without reminders... You learn to speak about the expectations, try to hear the answer of your child, his opinion about it, percent of its participation in your expectation. And then it is not simple expectation from the child any more, and ours with it interaction where everyone has the share. And the most courageous - take an interest: what does the child wait from you for? Sometimes we are covered with the child as a board, from own failures and failure, fear to address own life...
Respecting the son or the daughter as the individual, we allow them to go in the way. And we on this way - assistants and conductors, but not builders and the more so not measurers with a stop watch of each stage. And here we approach a subject of long-term expectations.
the Most fantastic and unknown...
We, the loving parents, seek to give to the child at most of care and attention. Worrying about its destiny, we begin with three-year age to drag on various circles and razvivalka, putting in it forces and money. So far it small and plainly we cannot learn about his desires, and our belief that we raise the cleverest, most beautiful, most successful child, is big, we in every possible way try to expand a glade of his interests. And, the most deplorable, often we substitute its interests for the, broadcasting to the successor: it is important, interesting, healthy for you, be successful, reach, it is investment into your future. And when it for some reason does not come the first to the finish or gathers less than the points expected by us on USE, our alarm grows (we were mistaken, we missed something as it will be able further itself, the start in life is not acquired) and is broadcast to the child in the distorted look: we from you waited according to the highest category, and you... did not justify, did not cope. Here it is a high time to tell himself “stop“. As the Swiss psychotherapist Alis Miller wrote, “many people all life are tormented by oppressive sense of guilt: they consider that they did not meet expectation of parents“.you Present to
how many forces are spent by the child for sense of guilt? And how many the forces you spend for expectations and alarm if these expectations were not met? Perhaps, it is much better to use these forces for building of the destiny in all its beauty, unpredictability, with all its surprises? And then the child will absorb pleasure from life and responsibility for own way with mother`s milk. We can tell as gift to the child only what we have.