When children fight
the Famous American psychologists Adel Faber and Elaine Mazlish many years conduct seminars for parents. One of subjects which is discussed more than others: what to do when brothers and sisters behave as the worst enemies.
- And what you usually say when children fight? - I asked all participants of a seminar.
- I Steer clear, - several people answered with chorus.
- And that else?
- I Allow them to understand independently.
- Because should interfere, and children it is at once involved you in the dismantling.
- And if to resolve all their conflicts, they will never learn to do it independently.
- So, - I told, - all of you consider that it is the best of all to ignore fights whenever possible. You repeat to yourself that so children learn to overcome the disagreements.
the Woman who started talking the first was not content with my summary.
- I speak not about easy fights, but about cries, abuse and a fling of things. I cannot but pay to it attention.
- we will also think today of it, - I nodded. - How to interfere with children`s fights with advantage when it seems to us that it needs to be made? But at first it is very important to wonder whether is for these fights of the reason about which we did not talk yet.
Ya asked this question to the real experts. Their answers fell down as from a bag.
- my daughter fights from - for prophetic - from - for the and from - for the brother`s things which she wants to consider as the.
- my children fight for the territory:“ The daddy, he put a leg to my room again“.
- I usually fought with the sister to draw the father on the party and to prove that he loves me more, than its!
- It can seem strange, but it seems to me that brothers and sisters sometimes fight to cope with sexual feelings which are had to each other. It is one of ways to support a safe distance.
Several people with astonishment raised eyebrows, but nobody began to argue. The list continued to grow.
- Sometimes children begin to fight because are angry at each other, and nobody can reconcile them.
- Or because they are angry with the friend, but cannot quarrel with it and fight with the brother.
- Or because the teacher at school shouted at them...
- Or because they have nothing to be engaged. So happens to my son and his younger sister. It exhausts it just with boredom. He speaks:“ You know that you will leave legs? You know that you when you were born, were a puppy?“
- my son begins to fight with the younger brother to feel big. Once, when it teased it, I sarcastically noticed: “It is amusing to exhaust the brother, truly?“ And he answered: “Yes, so I feel the force. And force is necessary to me for soccer“.
- my children fight because they like to see my reaction. Once I put them to bed, is right there distributed: “Maaaa! He jumped on me!. Ma - an aaa! It got into my room!“ I resort with shout: “What occurs? Immediately stop! Stop it!“ So proceeded long enough until I understood what occurs. Eventually boys admitted: they knock on a wall and pretend that fight. They do it that I came to them six times, it is not less. It seems to them that it cool...with
Which - who burst out laughing, someone frowned, and someone sighed.
- In my house to laugh there is nothing, - the woman who began this discussion told. - What is done by my boys frightens me to death. Yesterday they began to throw each other heavy wooden whetstones. When I stopped a fight and sent them on rooms, at me the head so ached that I had to lay down. I lay in a bed with a wet rag on a forehead and heard how they laugh loudly and play below. I thought:“ As to them it is good! I am glad that they do not fight any more. And I have a migraine“.
- all parents face such headache, - I answered. - Let`s begin with discussion of how we usually react to children`s fights.Useless reactions to a children`s fight to
to All it became clear to
that standard strategy of permission of the children`s conflicts cause still big depression and offense. Then I decided to show to
other approach which parents could use. At first I described stages of the resolution of conflict threatening to develop into a fight.by
- For a start recognize the right of children to test anger on the relation to each other. One it can already calm them.
- Validly listen to each of children. Show
- that you understand complexity of a problem.
- Show confidence that they are capable to find mutually acceptable solution.
- Leave the room.
Here is how this approach in practice looks.As with advantage to react with
to a children`s fight
Children look for the decision
- And what to do if children do not represent how to deal with a problem? My two just stand and look at each other...
- In this case try to propose unostentatiously the simple solution before leaving. For example: “Perhaps, you want to establish sequence... or to play together. Discuss it. You agree, I am sure“.
From the book “Brothers and sisters. How to help your children to live in peace and friendship“