Was tired to be mother of
Now, in a century of pampers, video nurses and the Internet - deliveries, young women complain of fatigue far more often - and physical, and, above all, moral - than their mothers and the grandmother. In what the reason? Irina Kogan, the practicing psychologist - the teacher, the candidate of psychological sciences reflects.
Telephone consultation. The young woman in confusion from the painful relations with
by p that young mother is not ready to a role of mother, had in this respect the ideas and expectations which failed as a house of cards. Had no similar experience before - and who with the firstborn had it? She wants to take a walk, distract, look at something interesting, to meet girlfriends - everything that made her former life.
Unless before young mothers did not meet similar difficulties? But it seems that they were perceived absolutely in a different way. In what the reason of such insolvency? Unavailability? Ignorance? Lack of experience? All this was tested by young mothers at all times. No, here something else. From conversation with the young woman it becomes clear that the reason - the egocentric installation which is not assuming sacrifice, devotion. What not in small degree is promoted by all information space surrounding us. Modern approach to life forces out self-renunciation, sacrifice. Installation on consumption is strongly included into consciousness and life of the modern person: on, on pleasures, on desire to have.to
to cope with a role of mother needs absolutely other installation - installation on return and love. The sacrificial love which at such readiness and the victim - that to call difficult, is the simple care of darling causing pleasure instead of fatigue. Young mother has to learn to love, giving - just because it is created for this purpose. And to understand that the difficulties connected with care of the kid, vremenna: years through twenty together with cares children will leave the parental house also. Then the syndrome of “the become empty nest“ will be endured much more difficult, than daily cares of the kid.
“acquired“ sadness can be the Cause of fatigue: agree, it is strange to see as the sad, burdened with cares adults try to find pleasure out of a family. And that tiresome source of pleasure which “gets“ under feet is ignored by the parent as the alien world requiring to itself(himself) attention and inclusion of the adult in the circle. The adult resists it, it is absorbed by the cares and experiences.
Mother goes by the train with the five-year-old son, it should not prepare, to clean, somewhere to rush, and the situation creates conditions for maintenance of kind, joyful communication with the child. But, alas... mother remains “cut off“ from the child by the sad thoughts, does not enter his world, expressly ignores all its offers as it prevents it to live in the adult cares. The sincere world of the kid is closed for it - mother and the son become the parallel, not crossed Universes.
I nobody - none of neighbors in the train can replace it! Of course, to roll together with the kid of the machine and it is difficult to share his pleasure from game to the adult. But unless this main thing concerning the adult to the child? The pleasure of joint life is desired to children, but, unfortunately, is inaccessible to many parents. Children are beings family.we Will look at
on children with other eyes
How to open a childhood charm? It is necessary to look at children in a different way... If to look at them fussy, authoritatively, you will see nothing - from here irritation and fatigue. It is necessary to look at the childhood differently: as on the world where there are no false intonations where simplicity and openness, trust the adult and still something that we do not know reigns. To look at the child, as at a seed in which all rudiments of future flower, tree, an ear are put. In children all the most intimate already is, and in it they do not differ from adults. Of course, they have no experience, knowledge yet, there is no developed outlook, but we are equal in the main thing and though it does not exclude hierarchy of the relations at all, nevertheless forces to recognize in children of the interlocutors deserving attention.Working as
with children, I suggested them to describe the happiest day of the life. Six-year-old Masha told as she with mother and sisters went for a walk and suddenly saw... a decline, its beauty was amazing! Children, as well as adults, can perceive world around, getting into its essence. It is interesting that the majority of compositions of children on the subject “My Happiest Day“ were anyway connected with joint family pastime.
Unfortunately for parents often internal life of the child is covered with the fact that it seems to more essential: health, material security, intellectual development, education! And what occurs in soul of the kid escapes from their attention. From here the frivolous attitude towards the identity of the child, on the substance of her ignoring grows. The personality who is not developed, suppressed in the childhood is waited in the future by a great number of adults of personal problems.Watching
one young mother, I saw as in a special way she treats each child. Sensitive mother notices which of her children needs her right now - she leaves everything and turns to it all the love and caress. It can last only several minutes, but such personal, address contact works amazingly quickly and effectively. The child does not feel the offended, deprived attention any more. He finds feeling of the importance, understands that it is necessary that it is loved. His personality expressly and certainly is accepted, so, reveals and develops.
the Secret of such dialogical relations with the child that the adult is not the overwhelming authoritative tutor, but rather wise accompanying on life with the intermediary creating conditions for development spiritual “I“ the child.
From where to take forces?
is a question not so much physiology how many the spiritual sphere. We know from experience of life as conditions of the uplift leading the person to his transformation are important. Whether we include spiritual area in the everyday life?
Unfortunately, household aspect of life is perceived by many as the main part of the life of a family. When life becomes the main thing, it absorbs all parties of human life, “jams“ the person, leads to fatigue, and at times even destroys a family.the Way out is possible
through forgiveness, fidelity, patience, respect for others, compliance, overcoming in itself the primitive desires. Without this spiritual vertical the family can be easily destroyed.family traditions, holidays, evenings, meetings - the any kind of activity showing a family community, the fatigue spiritualizing, pulling together people, replacing with pleasure also will help to bring
Out of captivity of life! It does not exclude personal rest which any person needs, adult and small - the privacy is necessary to recover, have a rest, collect the thoughts.
a number of factors which destroy a spiritual aspect of life of a family Is. One of them - lack of some distance allowing to see the person in its completeness, to make out its spiritual beginning in the person. Sometimes it is so short between family members that behind it it is difficult to make out the personality, to keep to it respect, to exclude spirit of censure. Unconditional respect for the person in the person even if it is the small child near whom you live - a neobkhodimeyshy condition for disclosure of the highest party of his personality.
the Factor suppressing a spiritual aspect of life also. The discipline is only urged to regulate behavior, but not to suppress spiritual life of children at all, and therefore it is better to address it only as to the tool urged to awaken the spiritual depth of life of the child.the Correct organization - the key to success
the Randomness always brings
in our life not only an external disorder, but also generates internal is a source of the conflicts and loss of forces. In the organization of life there are simple moments which can help a family. you Remember
in confirmation of told would like to tell
- , elementary planning will allow to cease to worry for lots of not made affairs. Try to exclude
- superfluous, what it is possible to do without. It can release time for rest to recover. you Find
- an opportunity to stay in a privacy and silence to collect the strength and to have a rest, do not forget to give such chance and to children.
- needs to learn not to pay attention to something, for example, of skirmish and quarrels between children.
- would Do an injustice not to specify on nervously - the mental overloads caused by all system of modern life: children as sensitive receivers, catch a spirit of the age.
about conversation with mother of five children. For it criterion of fatigue - feeling of irritation. It is a signal that it is time to have a rest that a lot of things were planned too, from something it is necessary to refuse or attract to the aid children. “Household chores of a neskonchayema! It is better not to wash the floors - children more important, it is necessary to place priorities here“, - she says. Communication with the angry mother will do nobody good. In the afternoon she tries minutes fifteen simply to lie down - helps to restore forces. Besides, it is useful for children: they protect mother.“ The main thing - a spirit, - the young woman says. - How many families cannot have children! It is necessary to rejoice to the fact that they are... Sometimes just the child should look in eyes and everything falls into place: in them there is so much love“.