We will have darling, a child?
So happened that women become more often initiators of reception of the child in a family. It is necessary only to guess what is to that the reason - whether the general sentimentality and an impressionability of female nature, whether the view of the world which is essentially differing from man`s. But the fact remains: the vast majority of talk on appearance of the child in a family is started by women. However, here it is not important at all, about blood or there is a speech about the adopted child. And in that, and other case reaction of the partner in life is not always predictable and unambiguous.In a situation with the birth of the blood child to future father the participation in its emergence is difficult to deny
, and refusal of the child means also that the real and close woman should do abortion. And in case of the adopted child it is simpler and simpler - the situation “is virtual“, there is no child as if. Here also the first stumbling block and a possible reason for quarrel is concealed. The woman already reconsidered the mountain of magazines and the websites with touching photos, the woman already descended and bought bootees of wons to that lovely ryzhenky boy on the fourth photo from below. It she studied that strange abbreviations of ZPR, MMD etc. mean. And in a dream the field of camomiles and the blue-eyed kid running towards dreamed it. And in this maternal rush to it it is absolutely unclear how it is possible to be such dry and mercantile. How it is possible to argue on what the child it can not have? The child - here it. And insufferably to consider square meters and the monthly income which all the same never happen too much...
Dear men! Please, give a discount that the spouse “is already pregnant“ with this idea! Also she behaves absolutely the same as any pregnant woman. And I think that in a situation of a sufficient involvement into preparation the hormonal background at it already begins to change. These differences of mood, this constant uncertainty and tears are so typical about anything. For it this child already is! And it is not an invention, not the imagination and not nonsense. Treat her with attention and respect. It is so easy to offend and push away the loved one - simply to wave away from these ideas. “Or perhaps we do not need children at all?“ - this question is asked by many future fathers. One of arguments - existence of real obstacles for adoption: housing problem, material problems etc. As far as it is really significant for your family, only you can solve. The woman understands all this too. And even somewhere it is ready to talk and take into account all your arguments... It is only necessary to consider that now they mean to it slightly less, than to you. Also pay attention: in most cases the birth of children occurs irrespective of these obstacles.
Dear women! Please, take into account that the husband can be aware a little not happening to you. That time can be necessary for it to get used to this news and to overcome the fears. Perhaps, he will try to escape from them, on the road calling you in allies. “To me validly still early to become the father! I do not want to lose freedom remains! Mother - and - and - and!“ - often behind it there are things, very deep and important for it. What he cannot sound so far to you and therefore it is forced to be protected. Has the right. For many men appearance of the child - a new stage: it is absolutely unclear what waits for it and as life will change that should be changed in habits and hobbies.
So, for a start try not to persuade, and just to talk to the husband. And to learn what he means. The spirit on “is extremely dangerous to persuade at any cost“. You seriously risk, having achieved the, as a result nevertheless to get to the deadlock. In my practice cases are not so rare, when very exhausted woman, tired and from the pulled hard adaptation, both from the child, and from efforts on the house, and from problems with relatives comes to reception. And it is even more from the husband who without shadow of doubt speaks:“ And I`m fine! These are your problems, the darling. I agreed to take the child provided that he will not disturb me (will not take away too much time, will not involve material inputs, will not touch my TV etc.)“. The child, by the way, in such situation subconsciously tries to heat a situation as much as possible. Or, as psychologists speak, gives to a family many opportunities for further development.Before you will begin with
conversation, be prepared for conversation and think as as you will speak. Choose suitable time - when both of you do not hurry and are in good mood. Be prepared for those questions which to you will be asked by the husband. It is simple: most likely, it is those questions which you asked yourself. On some of them you already have answers.
For example, typical man`s fear: “And suddenly it will not be similar to us?“ On the one hand, it really is often important for men. Especially sharply the question rises in a situation if in a family infertility. It seems that the unlike child will be another proof of male insolvency. But it absolutely not so. All children, even absolutely not similar to parents in the beginning, over time become similar to them. They begin to copy a mimicry, gestures, intonations of parents. They eat your food, wear your clothes, and at them everything changes, up to a body smell. And then, when in a family there is a child, the man too strongly changes. The coming feeling of paternity - the best remedy for uncertainty in a male role. Besides, upon acceptance of the child at men occurs much quicker, than at women.
Or other question: “And suddenly it will be same how his biological parents? Will become the alcoholic, the addict etc.?“ . Well, in - the first, not all biological parents such. In - the second, it is known long ago that the problem of alcoholism and drug addiction bypasses also safe families. It is worth taking any family - in it for certain there will be examples and alcoholism, and sincere diseases...
the Majority of delusions about children - orphans and fears, these delusions generated, dissipate if to begin to be interested in these questions. For example, it is possible to resemble together with the husband occupations of School for foster parents - it does not oblige to anything, but very much helps to make the decision.
Always good argument is communication with real children. Of course, you should not frighten the person who never thought of the adopted child, by the words “let`s go to watch children“ (and too, by the way, you should not frighten children - it is not necessary “to watch“ them). It is possible to offer the husband together with you for a while to join any volunteer team. To go to orphanage or hospital, to make something useful to children and to see them alive. Or instead of you it is simple to take away, transfer something there. Such trip is good also the fact that it is possible to see other same involved adults.
the Main thing and the basic that needs to be remembered - you one family. You are valuable for each other, otherwise would not be together. And the family will be necessary also to the child. Responsibility for it will lie all the same on both of you. And it is very important that you made this decision together. It is good to inform the husband that the love does not depend on biological relationship. You fell in love with each other, without being relatives. And some mothers cannot fall in love with the blood children. The adopted child - really serious step which can how to fasten your relations, and completely to destroy them. Each new child in a family - the catalyst of the hidden conflicts. One spouses find solutions of problems, become more adult and are closer to each other. And others - are not present... You do not hurry to destroy what is already constructed. But also you do not hold ruins. Time is. Unfortunately, children in our orphanages such quantity that it is almost impossible to be late...
of Opinion of parents
Natalya Pimenova (Masha, 7, in a family 2 years):
“At us was not problems “how to persuade the husband“ - he to me suggested to adopt the child when attempts to cure infertility did not lead to anything, and EKO as it became clear, not harmless procedure. I am very grateful to it that he did not begin to risk my health. Loves the daughter to insanity... And now I want the second child, the boy - the husband agrees“.
Alexey Slobodkin (Stepan, 4, in a family of 8 months):
“I always dreamed of a family where there will be many children. Therefore did not begin to wait until to me the girl sharing my aspirations meets, and decided to adopt the boy. However, while collected documents and met the child, met the good girl, but carefully avoided talk on Styopka - did not know how it will belong...“ Admitted“ when already the court passed. Now Stepan has both mother, and the father - the truth, mother still “informal“, but we work on this question“.
Svetlana Voronina (Aleksandra, 5 years, in a family 2 years 4 months):
“The husband first was very much against. Any man`s “cockroaches“ - about “the blood“, about “low-quality genes“ overcame... And as in a family we at that time had already blood son - considered that children in general are not necessary to us any more, just we will not pull financially. I did not put ultimatums, the world in a family is more important... But itself “ached“ with this subject and just shared with it the opening - showed it different articles, photos of kids... And he agreed! And when time has come, it also adjusted me that I with documents did not tighten. Took the first girl on whom channelized. Strange, but about “I will not be able to fall in love with fears“ I had more - and I am glad that my husband was wiser. Generally thanks to it we had no adaptation, from the very first days at all - feeling that Shurka with us was always. The son, however, was jealous first, but then got into the role of the elder brother and defender and now for the sister - into fire and into water“.
Olesya Koshkina (Pasha 3 years, in a family 1 year 7 months):
“In my life was not either the official, nor common-law husband when I decided to take Pashka - there was nobody to persuade. But many frightened me (starting with own mother) that the child is a big hindrance for the device of private life, a burden. Especially such “alternative“ origin which I from anybody did not hide and did not gather. But I solved for myself - if the man is not able to accept my child, then this is just not my man. And “my“ man was literally in half a year after I brought Pasha home. Now we wait for addition - already “biological“ way, but on it we are not going to stop. We will follow the third child there where I found Pasha - in a databank“.