Rus Articles Journal

Farewell, my love of

B 12:00, for an hour till a lunch, my office number rang out, and I headlong rushed to it to tell habitual “Sales department. I listen to you“. But instead of the grandmother who is interested where it is possible to buy our counters on water or the brisk client wishing to buy our cranes and filters I heard almost forgotten soprano of the wife.

the Timbre of its voice, as always in such cases was pleasant and kind - unpleasant and unkind notes it, as a rule, involuntarily got only houses.

- It is necessary to meet - she very lovely told in a tube.

- What for? - at me it is speeded up the heart as if knew, poor was clogged that to it is what to hope for.

- It is necessary to Talk.

- About what? - no matter about what! I in vain tried to catch the mad

imagination - it a bird fluttered out from my silly heart and in all bright paints violently began to draw to me pictures of rough reconciliation, forgiveness and further idyllic joint life.

that fatal evening of our quarrel farewell cotton - a shot of an entrance door split my blissful world into two parts: in one I and my past, in another it and its future. Leaving, it took away with itself all bad, bad and nasty that was between us, and left me all good, kind and expensive. And I did not know how with these good to me further to live.

Has to tell that after our gap three months ago the wife never called me

and refused to make contact persistently. At our fleeting meetings its voice, as a rule, was aggressive and irreconcilable - provided that around there were no curious ears. Phrases, it seems “I do not love you“, “With you I will not live“ and “Do not hope“ became persons on duty though I refused to trust them. And here suddenly “to meet“ moreover such gentle voice. whether

the guilty person Will be forgiven? Whether the destiny sentenced to life imprisonment in the unfortunate present with all painful memoirs of the happy past one more chance of atonement will present? To be to matrimonial happiness or not to be? Hamlet questions overcame me all rest of the working day.

We arranged a meeting at mail, the place of its work. In the nearest flower little shop I bought one carnation - at me was not enough for more money - and in the pining nervousness as on the first appointment, with love began to expect it.

In five minutes a familiar fine-molded figure in a short hare short fur coat loomed in dark pass of post office. Until she noticed me, I from all visual forces peered at features lovely to my heart, in the concerning rocking of hips, a manner slightly on one side to hold a head. She dumped couple of kilograms, bought a new playful hat and changed gait. It was not just still good, and just is in a new way divine. Parting with darling obviously did it good.

I was ready to forgive Only for one this instant to it all the sleepless nights, our crushed last and devoted future.

Not in forces to restrain, I threw it towards, shining from ear to ear childly an innocent smile.

- Hi! - jubilantly my exhausted heart cried it.

- Hi - its dry voice prosaically answered it.

- It to you - and the lonely carnation itself fluttered out towards to her palms.

- Thanks - her hand, cold having squeezed a flower stalk, overturned it down.

- Remarkably you look - my hoarse voice sang the anthem to its beauty.

- I will always look so now - the evil she answered.

- I am very glad … - words came to an end, but why words when there are eyes and hope?

- Listen … - it began, and in heart for some reason familiarly zasverbit a doubt bug - I filed for divorce … three months ago …

to me, appear, shot directly at the head from the biggest gun in the world. Everything began to spin, started turning around, zaplyasat. On pink glasses of my points of hope ruthlessly splashed black ink of disappointment …

- I will not return To you. I do not love you. Also I ask not to disturb me any more -

was continued by it, seeing my puzzled confusion.

- But we one family! Or, at least, were until recently! And I still love you - I madly began to yell so that passersby with genuine curiosity convulsively overdrove the heads in our party.

- And I do not love you any more, and let`s disperse in an amicable way - she hissed,

being confused such attention, sincere to us.

She wanted to disperse “in an amicable way“. “In an amicable way“ - so she called it. And where to me to put my pain? How to escape from the damned past? What to do with corpses of the killed hopes? Where to expel importunate to a bough - love?

- Also I ask you: the day after tomorrow court. Give in an amicable way, and? - her peacefulness simply killed me with

.

Ya almost hated it. No, I precisely hated it. It not only, having got away as the naprokazivshy cat, all this time disappeared from me, it not only secretly came to my house and took out from it things as the last thief, she still in secret that I did not know, filed for divorce, and now wanted that we dispersed “in an amicable way“! “In an amicable way“ - for whom? For me? For us? No! Of course, for it! Only for it!

- Generally, I ask you - she tenderly looked at me as if these three

months were not trace and. She smiled. She smiled, and from it so was good

. It is so good that I was ready to kill her.

- Be not angry. There`s nothing to be done …

its mobile phone Rang out. “Yes. Well. I wait“ - it elegantly clicked

graceful phone and hid it in the handbag.

I in a deep stupor, with hatred and love - what was more? -

continued to stare at it, without knowing what to answer.

- Well, it is time for me - it gently proshchebetat - do not forget - on Friday in nine fifty -

and it light, some coquettish step went to the BMW sulfur which stopped about two minutes ago at a roadside. Behind glasses I managed to make out driving some thick type in sunglasses.

“And so in what business“ - I thought, and the wave of jealousy unfamiliar to me covered hitherto

me with the head and dizzily incurred to the rough ocean of the reading off scale emotions, self-destructive thoughts and wild imaginations. I do not remember

how I arrived home. I remember only that all road I presented to

the wife and type in dark glasses in a violent koitus from the German pornofilm, with bodies, sweaty from love, is more shameless copulating in the most improbable poses.

is Three months, three long, infinite months of meek, slowly dying

of dog love, rough surges in tenderness, bright flashes of hope and hungover attacks of disappointment … Three months alone with sleeplessness, the thoughts and our past … Three months of loneliness …

that evening I got drunk as the last shoemaker. The man`s imagination at such moments of truth not rovnya a female ingenuity. Exit always one - to overturn in itself a floor of liter bitter that to feel nothing, not to remember and not to think. To tell the truth, we, terrible men, strict heads of families and firm defenders of the fatherland, despite the such menacing look and severe rhetoric, become in such dashing times of the stepmother - destiny weak, as chest babies, from which took away the feeding breast, confused as the pimply teenagers who for the first time caught so desired independence, and we want with all the might lungs to cry “Mother, help!“. I Remember

only that that evening I as the real madman, cried out something all around. Bill fists in air of the imagined opponent, punishing him for the stolen love, for all the failures, for all the life. Then long and violently howled as the wolf who is fatally wounded on snow howls on the moon. Smeared on the person both palms the it is sticky - a salty grief. Also asked itself the same question “What`s next?, What will be farther? “ Then the drowsiness fell down me a granite block of intoxication …

It is strange, but next morning there was no hangover sign also. The head worked as clear as day. And all events of yesterday and last three months in all painful details were always on the mind. I turned over in the mind every minute, every moment and each word of yesterday evening again and again. That. As. Why. to

Then, having sent everything and all far away, I left to the yard. From crude roofs in all dripped and in air smelled in the spring. By there were some foreign people. Men, women, children. Ridiculous such. Touching. High and low, thick and thin, young and old. I for some reason felt some strange and earlier unknown communication, likeness with all these people unfamiliar to me. As if I knew their davny - long ago, shared with them their ups and downs, helped them on life, and they me. Strange, right, feeling … and such pleasant. It when you do not see in people of their haughty raised heads, desires is better, cleverer, more beautiful to seem and itself do not aspire besides, and feel some unclear love and tenderness to all of them.

Ya sat down on a neighbour`s bench, threw a leg on a leg and is lazy got hands for the head. From - behind sulfur of a cloud the low sun looked out. On naked cherry the uneasy titmouse chirped. On all mine as if to a hackneyed body, the forgotten languor and rest spread long ago. All problems and gloomy thoughts left somewhere. Pain in which I fought three months, too, oddly somewhere got to. Heart included rest. Rest in soul. Rest in the head. I is lazy closed eyes. My God, as well. As that is good, My God! I knew that, at last, I forgave.

Now I also knew that I will do farther. Knew for certain. Today I will call mother and I will tell as strongly I love her. I will feed a three-colored cat who comes to me in the evenings and rubs, purring, about my cold legs. I will take out and I will throw out all stuff which collected in three years of our joint life from the house, and I will give unnecessary things to the homeless whom I see every morning. I will work and earn with

Ya money. I will help people who need the help and to whom I can help. I descend in church. I will repay debts. At those whom I offended - I will ask forgiveness. I will just live. To live further. To live and enjoy life.

Wife? - you ask. And what wife? Give it God of happiness. Big and real. As at me. And if God does not give, then I will give - at me is him now very much!