This difficult awkward age, or Upside down
Behind all sticks - hooks, copy-books and bows. Behind huge cases with the colored pencils and felt-tip pens lying everyone in the cell according to color hierarchy... It would seem, only yesterday we kept a small hand in the, hurrying towards to uncertainty and sincerely hoping that it will be favorable to our children. And already eighth class. Suddenly. Both the small handle of the baby already not so small, but felt-tip pens all are already broken and lost and the case too sank long ago somewhere into a non-existence. Now other priorities, other ideals and idols, and sometimes so others that the feeling sometimes is created that we, parents, are in some bad dream from which it would be quite good to recover, and is desirable somewhat quicker.
Why everything changed nearly in a flash, having turned over without our permission upside down? Everything that there are so much years with love and tenderness was put by us in the beloved child, it was suddenly unnecessary and not making any sense. Seldom to which of parents will have the luck to pass this memorable period of formation of the personality called by “transitional“. Perhaps, I will not peddle old stuff if I tell that these “transition periods“ of a children`s growing squeeze out of us, parents, juice with constant frequency, beginning nearly with the first year of birth of the child. At them “sadovsky adaptation of the personality in society“ (in other words, accustoming to group of kindergarten), fight against prolonged greed, we bite, we are smoothly and not absolutely poured from a garden in school, and then from a nachalka - in an average parallel, we have teenage “delights“ when the bend of own bang where as is more important than war in the Middle East... And all this through “transition period“, the end and edge to which, apparently, it is never expected. whether
life on Mars Is? The rhetorical question but to answer it is obvious more simply, than to count how many various crises parents should worry. As everyone decides to cope with them - for himself. But crisis of “the eighth class“ - the special period. And that is simple to endure it not so-. This crisis falls upon our heads suddenly, suddenly, so effect of its arrival just shattering. Unexpectedly, nearly in a week, the child as is substituted. Everything that is told by parents, begins to be perceived by it in bayonets. Any word is qualified as pressing, as invasion into personal space where the entrance for some unclear reason for parents is suddenly closed tightly. Everything that we tried to inform the child of, is in advance doomed to a failure, besides to a failure - to aggression which literally will fill in with itself all free space between you and the child. It is necessary and is not necessary, the teenager will argue with us, arguing the point of view furiously (and sacredly believing in the correctness, by the way) or will become isolated, very clearly showing extreme extent of contempt.Sometimes parental nerves do not maintain
, and we begin to respond to so frank “rudeness“ with power methods up to that we grab a belt. And very much we are surprised why means, so trouble-free earlier, do not work now. How so, there were enough frowned eyebrows or a disapproving look earlier, and now do not know what to do with this person who is not understanding the human speech? Textbooks do not open; it is good if notebooks, even crumpled - recrumpled, roll in a backpack, and even any work is written on the next leaflet! It is possible to forget about the ground pencils and spare handles, the diary you will not be interrogated... And clothes? And what is built at the child on the head? It cannot pick up the name in general.
Till what time the child intends to fray parental nerves?! But the child all the same, we sob or not. Having survived the next storm of the house, he goes beyond a threshold of the native apartment and, having completely disconnected, in a minute forgets about troubles which remained behind. It in other world. He escaped. And to it all the same how many medicine what drops you pour in the shot glass. No, somewhere at heart, at its bottom, your offspring will feel a two-three of pricks of what was called still a year ago conscience, but no more than that. He escaped, understand? Escaped. And nothing can stop it.
B fourteen, really, a certain change in consciousness of the person occurs. It is age when he considers himself as absolutely adult, developed personality who has certain rights, but at the same time one mention of the duties which are automatically applied to the rights of this most adult personality brings it to a state, we will softly tell, irritations. Now, in fourteen, for it the main thing not you, and group and belonging to this group, a community with this group. The opinion is from outside thousandfold more important than yours, but opinion not of any stranger, but participant of that group to which he wants to belong.
of School happen different. To Somewhere be clever is abruptly. To study on “perfectly“ and “well“ - a certain assessment of your intellectual potential. But such classes and schools, unfortunately, - a rarity. Usually all differently. The one who cannot be allocated on the general background with mind and any special progress rallies around himself frame of those who are ready to be the focus of attention, earning the place in the sun by impudence and aggressiveness. Building a certain scale of values, the leader (we will call him so) demands observance of rules of the game imposed to a class. Part of a class, looking at with what ease the leader gets authority, follows it consciously, intuitively seeking to be closer to “feeding trough“. The part of children, not persons interested to go for the conflict, bypasses as is able, acute angles, preferring a herd instinct to prospect to be a derelict. Let their place will be not such warm and enviable as the place of the leader and his direct environment, but and it is not necessary to enter open confrontation too.Should understand
that in similar collective at the child the choice is not big: or you keep in line with all, submitting to the general rules, or you will be simply crushed as the Pug opposing an elephant. Naturally, it is simpler to allow to write off, than to make enemies, and even as it is paradoxical, it is easier to declare publicly that you did not make a lesson and to grab the two, than to state material and to receive the deserved five for which, by the way, in this group then it is necessary to pay oh as it is expensive. As for a shirt with the ironed-out collar, many, actually, not against to look would be beautiful, but the fear to seem the black sheep is much stronger than desire to put on accurately and to be pleasure of the parents.Not one fear moves
the child while he tries to take the place in cool hierarchy. Very often the role in this process is played by ambitions. To be not only in lump, and to be allocated from it (and it is unimportant what price!) to be in full view of all - than do not aim? Often this purpose forces the child to play a part and to be that whom he actually is not. Happens so that at a lesson the child simply “hits the ceiling“, trying to find on each word of the teacher deafeningly - the witty answer, and it is unimportant, its sharpness or not, the main thing is successful that the attention of all class, though for a short time, will be chained to it. Yes, he is ready to be the clown, the clown, the clown - call it as you want, - if only to become the center of attention though for some time.
If turns out so that its act suddenly for some reason gets approval of “top“ of a class and it is perceived by it as something heroic, made nearly with risk for life, the child himself also begins to feel like the hero to whom “any sea knee-deep and any mountains on a shoulder“. The approval expressed by group is much more important than opinion of parents and teachers, and at this stage of chances to teach “clown“ to mind - reason is not present at anybody because approval of group strengthens its positions in a class, allocates the place for which he so fights. That to our, parental, notations, on them it is frank to it to spit because they will not give it anything. A conclusion is simple here: everything that prevents me to go forward, - harm, and all who disturb, - enemies.So really nothing cannot be made
? Really it is necessary to stand aside and obediently to wait until your child begins to see clearly and will understand that you wish well to it only? Of course, no. And how in that case to be? What it is possible to undertake also what you should not do at all?
In - the first (and this is important!) it is necessary to remember: what happens to your child now - not the doomsday, passes almost everyone through crisis of a growing the second. Age changes force our children to overestimate what surrounds them, to look at the world differently, but it does not mean at all that they became our enemies. Not to cause excessive aggression, try not to show it under any circumstances. It is much simpler to you to cope with the emotions, than to your children, and it is much simpler to behave because you realize an essence of the happening process.
In - the second if you want to remain with the child anyway in good relations, talk to it irrespective of the fact which he will talk “nonsense“. I assume what to you will not always interestingly listen who and as “showed off“ at this or that lesson or who in what tatter was dressed. But (or girls) it is important for your boy now, so, do not miss chance to be closer to it. You do not act rashly, declaring that all class it is universal - unworthy greenhorns, for a start try to understand what moves your own child, sincere admiration of someone`s “bravery“ or elementary unwillingness to lag behind collective.
If the ironed collars of a shirt cause sharp rejection of your favourite boy, do not insist on the, let shirts will hang for a while in a case, if such share at them. You descend together with the child in shop and buy what is pleasant to it. Let him feel in these clothes comfortably. I do not doubt that between the snow-white starched collars and the torn apart jeans it is possible to reach some reasonable compromise arranging both him, and you. Eventually, giving the consent to purchase something outstanding, it is possible to conclude a certain compromise about time and the place of demonstration of a tremendous new thing. And it will not be obligatory school, the truth?remember
I, unless you were not young? Yes, now in fashion of a polo-neck also the jeans which are wound the rubbed-off trouser-legs on asphalt are higher than a navel. But what to do if time dictates the? And unless we did not go in the middle of winter without caps? And unless at the first sounds of a thaw we did not plow up jackets wide open, despite all mother`s admonitions?Is not present
? Well, then you just ideal. That to me, in my life there was everything: and the uncovered head in cold, and wide open an open coat on spring, and completely wet boots, and many other things. And quarrels with parents were, and their words seemed tiresome notations, and in a portfolio there was “a morning in a hen house“. And to us from it not to get to anywhere. Just it is necessary to perceive everything through a prism of the fact that all of us pass through crises. And that they, these crises, not eternal. There will pass half a year - year, will occur revaluation of values again, and everything will become another again. I do not say that ideal (from our point of view), and just another. And well this revaluation would happen not only in the heads of children, but also in ours; it would be very good that we reconsidered the relation to own children, having remembered itself young people.
Yes, it is impossible to tolerate, but to be deafs - too. It is impossible to hear only himself, it can terminate very badly. Try to be aware of affairs of your child.
I still: if your offspring though is fond of something, and it something is capable to carry away him, at least for a while, do not feel sorry for either time, or money, try to live what there lives your child. Sometimes this only thing that can pull together you and the only thing that will be able to pull out your beloved child from prolonged crisis of “awkward age“ to which he also is not glad.