Divorce by calculation: how to disperse amicably?I Will make bold to paraphrase the famous phrase of Tolstoy with which “Anna Karenina“ begins: the majority of getting divorced are unfortunate equally, but many divorced are happy in own way (and in a new way)!
How to understand the true desires and intentions, to come to the decision and to make it joint, to overcome various bureaucratic difficulties and housing problems, not to lose advantage, to keep (if it is possible, it is necessary and there is a wish) communication with the ex-husband / wife - and at the same time to remain happy or to become happier? I try to describe own experience …
Once upon a time there were …
We lived together 20 years and nearly 2 years. Associations arise fantastic, but the old man and the old woman we did not manage to become, fortunately. However, and others at me arise easily: “It was more senior than it, it was good …“, “When the bride is good and young and sings in kitchen sometimes …“ and so forth. Actually, this my not prosaicness and ability to brighten up life creativity, plus our general aspiration to keep family traditions (about them is slightly lower) and love, of course, (and not only to each other, but also to idea of a family) made our marriage such long and almost ideal - from outside. - that we knew, of course, weaknesses of each other, but to go in cycles especially in it or to use weaknesses as reasons for the conflicts was almost once, we raised two beloved children, considering them the main achievement and pride.
The detailed description of methods and progress of education - a subject of another story, for all of us especially valuable were daily tradition of family dinners with obligatory talk on events of day and the long-awaited joint travel close and the far, but by all means leaving set of joint impressions and a photo. It would seem: what it is simpler than - and, on my supervision, less familiar families gather at a table (something chews everyone independently), evenings family members are busy with the TV and various gadgets, joint holidays are most often reduced to hotel pleasures, separate for adults and children.
Our children grew up remarkable: now the son already the senior student, to the daughter is 15 years. Their interests and priorities in communication, of course, gradually change, but the understanding between us remained and helped to make the decision on divorce, without having made it the news injuring them.
Main - in time!
Frankly speaking, the desire to divorce was especially sharp when 15 years were to the son. By then I already managed to be tired of aspiration to independently facilitate life and understood that my ability to balance between family and functions, keeping a sweet temper and female appeal, is not noticed and perceived as due. All the rest followed from this … I will tell only that even more often I wanted to be alone, relax and cry.
But stopped at that moment of thought that divorce can strongly influence children, and also feeling that it will become a complete separation of a family, a reason for various charges, without understanding of the reasons, and also a subject of general discussion and condemnation.
I cannot tell that the additional 6 years in marriage which passed since then were superfluous, though lungs were not. But they helped us to endure offenses and misunderstanding and to agree that all of us - will be able to live separately, continuing to communicate and cooperate in favor of children.
By the way if we had an idea and a possibility of travel earlier, then and, probably, business reached divorce not soon, process of divorce of a family with the minor child is a separate difficult subject.
In similar cases the husband most often leaves, avoiding pressure and scandals. At us is their per se was not, but frequent attempts to draw attention of the father to needs of the growing children, especially the son, took place.
This option was not suitable for us, then it would be more logical to separate to our men together, having removed housing. It is unlikely it would be an exit when the father and so does not have time to concentrate on education of the son - the teenager, and alarms of mother from such distancing will only increase. But, quite perhaps, all of us would cope and with this situation, would only become less native.
And still the father composed, let and seldom, wonderful fairy tales for the daughter! We remained together: listened to the end of all fairy tales, supported the son in the successful termination of lyceum and entering a university, continued to share impressions of day nightly. But more and more seldom it turned out to spend together free time and there was it at the husband less …
Where forces and time left, yet there did not pass the love
the Main reason that to the beloved husband and the father had often no time for us, was … - correctly, his MOTHER and her DISEASES. Quite so. Everything told and written on this subject to me - is fair, I can add unless several examples.
It could not manage to play for weeks with the son soccer, but every weekend went to bring for 200 km to mother the next medicine which is even in a drugstore of the small town.
to It was no time to help the daughter to master the two-wheeled bicycle, but there was time to patiently listen by phone to vast complaints of mother to deterioration in health with detailed transfer of symptoms.
We had to postpone the trip promised children on vacation because mother learned about the next healer whom she needs urgently to visit accompanied by the son.
was always sure that only the paternity is capable to move his role of the son in the man`s life, but in our family of it did not happen.
Her persistent desire to arrive to us on the eve of New Year`s holidays became a last straw. She wanted (I think, already anybody has no thoughts of gifts to grandsons and other favor) in regional hospital to make analyses to specify the diagnosis which, to its deep regret, awful doctors did not deliver it in local policlinic. And we so hoped prior to session of the son as before, four together to go to a meeting of New year on a forest camp site near Voronezh and on the way back to come to them with Christmas congratulations!
No, his mother is not lonely (the father-in-law the good and attentive person) and is not forgotten (fifteen years we often visited her all together; there is one more son, though lives in Ukraine). Also it is not even sick with anything seriously, except egoism and love to self-treatment. The rest as age changes … But to resist to its claims it is useless.
To the word - saying about a role of parents in our family life, I want to mention also the. Their position always was opposite. It is necessary to tell, full non-interference of relatives are not always good too when business reaches divorce. Parents will not be able to affect anything, the decision of children to divorce at such autonomy will be for them a bolt from the blue and will become only an occasion to express the excessive concern and concern for grandsons. And it is only an additional factor for doubts, additional freight of responsibility, sometimes and the additional rupture of the relations accompanying already hard decision.
Life goes on!.
Fortunately, nobody tried to cancel the decision made by us. It became joint when I at last could explain quietly and intelligibly to the husband that I cannot live any more in expectation when it has an opportunity to pay attention to me that long ago I do not feel like darling (necessary, useful, necessary - any more not argument) that my love died away too. And without it I will hardly be able to support still so long him what to live unconscious to us early …
He understood me and did not begin to hold. For divorce to me the statement of claim was necessary to file a lawsuit. We had no disputes on children and property. We parted, having bought us with the daughter small 2 - ku, and to it removed a lovely lodge at the river in the suburbs that is even closer to its work. The rest of money was enclosed in a new building for the son, having taken a mortgage as sozayomshchik. I trust, we will have no problems with this joint project!
The son rents with the friend apartment near university now, getting the raised grant and earning additionally. From my giving it perfectly plays 10 years basketball. He did not become the fan of fishing and the expert of servicing because his father preferred to go on fishing and to potter with car in garage all alone, and we gave it such chance, understanding that he should have a rest in rare free days off. But it drives skillfully (it the grandfather taught), shares the car with the father so far and very much helped us with moving.
With the daughter we then mastered not only the bicycle, but also rollers. And now I give it skills of renovation: can, and about it it will turn out to write sometime. It is in many respects simpler to live together to us. After work it sometimes surprises me with the next new salad, for dinner the son occasionally comes to us. And we with pleasure will invite soon the father to housewarming!
I Thank for everything
Ya is very grateful to the husband for all the general good that we had and remains; to my parents for non-interference; to friends for tactful silence and to all authors of ShZh which the articles induced me to writing of own.
Perhaps, and my story will be useful to someone …