What dirty tricks “an alpha - roditelstvo“? Part 1exists a set of various theories Now how to bring up the healthy harmonious personality. One of such theories is so-called “the alpha - a roditelstvo“ (from English “alfa - parenting“) which in the last decades more and more gains steam. On the one hand, some ideas an alpha - roditelstvo are good, the theory is built rather logically, however it can suit not all parents and not all children. Why? This theory is based by
on idea that a family - as animal pack where parents - “alphas“ (that is main), and children - conducted. That is parents undertake full responsibility for the children and have to very much try to be for children an ideal “stone wall“: to broadcast to children feeling of parental omnipotence, the fact that parents surely will cope with everything and will find the answer to any question, and also to strengthen in every possible way detsko - parental attachment. It is meant that it will lead to what the child will trust parents and, respectively, to obey them, but not for fear that differently - will punish but because “mother - the father will not tell nonsense“, and also the opinion of parents for the child will be more priority than opinion of friends - peers. In general, it sounds rather reasonably and logically, “the beautiful picture“, despite several hardly noticeable “dirty tricks“ is quickly created.
One of them consists that at the child the impression is made that care only “from top to down“, that is sponsor weaker - respectively, those who are lower on hierarchy. Yes, it is lovely and good when the child helps to tie laces to the younger brother or protects the sister on the platform, but in life pretty often it can turn out that the help is necessary as well equal, and to the one who is more main. In such cases there can be an idea that time someone needs the help, it “weak“ and it it is possible not to obey any more.
I speak not about the help just with an assignment now - we will tell, mother asked the child to feed small fishes and to sweep the floor in the room not because it has an allergy to dust and a fish forage but because she decided that so she will manage to wash the dishes still. I about those situations when another unaided cannot manage in principle. For example, if parents left the child under supervision someone from the parents, and to the grandmother or the grandfather it became bad, then to take care - to give them drugs or waters, to bring phone etc. because to do it to them very hard, but it does not cancel that the grandmother or the grandfather it is necessary to obey.
Also it can bring already in adult age to such problem as impossibility to ask the help or to accept the help from equal as there is a feeling that foreign help, participation is obliged by all means and to a certain extent humiliate asking. Or to a pribedneniye - self-humiliation when the person diligently creates an image of unfortunate, considering that only then will take care of it and will show some participation. It can be shown and otherwise when the person begins to offer and even to impose others free aid subconsciously to feel as the hero - the benefactor standing “above“ people around which “need the help“ - excessively to sponsor own children or grandsons, to teach neighbors.
Still I am jarred on by idea of persistent maintenance of illusion. Idea about what it is necessary to show to the child that parents always try to cope with difficulties, care about is mute as can - is entirely sensible. But “distortion“ towards what parents have to show that they are responsible “for everything“ - no. There are things which it is impossible to affect in any way, and understanding, acceptance of it is an integral part of a growing of the person. Parents are ordinary living people who can be in bad mood too, can be angry, upset, can show weakness because they not Saints, not angels and not gods. And the family is not a theatrical scene where it is necessary to play a role of the ideal parent. The child needs the living person, but not the formal substantiated concept which perceives him as the same concept.
In principle to lie to children, let and not in some facts, and in own mood - a thankless job. Not only that children all the same catch falseness, but also the reputation of the parent seriously suffers from it. As when the child understands that the parent in some question to him lies, he begins to call in question and all other, told by the parent: and suddenly he lay also here?
Similar problems can arise practically with any child, regardless of type of attachment of the last. About a situation when the child and the parent have different types of attachment, I will tell further.