How to cease to overact and to begin to live?
you ever asked such questions: “How many energy I spend for looking worthy in the opinion of people?“, “How strongly I worry when I learn that someone considers me bad or the loser?“, “What victims are costed to me by creation and maintenance of the authority?“?
It is natural that each person wants that spoke of him positively. But at some people life turns into a continuous gallery play and infinite change of “masks“. Often, having been tired of this falseness, the person falls into a deep depression. Why does that happen? How all - to learn to be itself and to cease to worry that others will think?
I will tell a sad story. I have an acquaintance who spent 90% of the life for meeting expectations of parents, teachers, girlfriends, chiefs, men which met. And all because in the childhood it acquired the simple principle - to deserve love of significant people, it is necessary to become such what they want to see you. She very much adhered to this philosophy.
Every year grew in her soul oppressing a resentment and alarm, but people around were delighted with it. She managed to please all, except herself. And nobody saw how quietly at night she cried in a pillow, itself without understanding why he feels such pain and a dissatisfaction with life, many would envy its progress and perfection. Time went, but nothing changed. Without having found answers to the questions, it began to drop on the quiet to a bottle. Subsequently there was obvious its dependence on alcohol. To surprise of relatives there was no limit, all of them could not understand in any way, what has happened?
But, from the point of view of psychology, it is quite explainable and besides is natural. Everything began in the childhood … Having received less unconditional love from the parents, its so-called “vessel of love“ remained blank. All the life she tried to receive this love from people around, playing a role of the obedient girl and by that playing the hypocrite.
Living pretense and excessive self-checking, it did serious harm to the emotional sphere. Those negative feelings which she as a result had testify to it. But she could not refuse such stereotype of behavior any more, it was its only way to receive the love, vital for it, and approval. The internal conflict accrued, and it everything could not find in any way a constructive way to fill that shortage of love which remained since the childhood. Anesthesia by means of the substance changing consciousness - alcohol became a natural, but disastrous exit for it.
It is only one of examples of what can lead refusal of itself, a gallery play to. If you notice for yourself similar, then it is worth stopping and thinking of how it can be changed. There are several councils:
For a start to you needs to change “plates“ - the negative installations put in your subconsciousness even in the course of education. For example: “If I behave badly, I will not be loved“, “I have to be normal as all“, “That me was loved by men, I have to …“. Growing, we are guided by the same conclusions that were put in the childhood, even without trying to rethink them and to change.
Now we will be engaged in their replacement. So, I will provide the list of healthy installations which will need to be hung up in a visible place and to re-read every morning:
- I am worthy unconditional love only because of the fact of the existence.
- People who really love me will be with me, irrespective of my merits and achievements.
- I am not obliged to do something only because someone considers it correct.
- I have the right to decide that for me it is better.
- I have the right to be mistaken, be imperfect.
- I am not obliged to know everything.
- I should not (and) justify someone`s expectations.
- I can determine the values and live according to them, and nobody has the right to condemn my choice.
- I can trust myself, the opinion and feelings.
It is that minimum which is desirable for “hammering“ into subconsciousness to change the existing lifestyle.
Realize those feelings which do not allow you to be oneself , inducing to play parts. Most likely, it is fear. Fear to lose love and respect, fear to seem the fool, to differ from the others. Perhaps, this feeling of negligibility inducing is better to seem, than is actually.
Get the diary . Every time when you have similar emotions and tempt to play the hypocrite, pretend to be, note it. Surely write that you felt at this moment, thought what aim was pursued. It is very effective way to change the style of behavior. To you will be to work week enough further in time to notice the negative feelings inducing to a gallery play, to stop and change the scheme of behavior, taking the statements listed in the first point as a basis.
the Most important - surround yourself with people, capable to love you is unconditional ,
- the possessing softness, openness, ability to support and encourage a heavy minute;
- loving yours “no“ as well as “yes“;
- not using manipulations and any pressure.
Generally, to you people who will accept you such what you are are necessary, not to condemn for mistakes and misses, to promote your personal growth. In their society you will not feel fear, fault, shame. The atmosphere of love, sincerity, acceptance - the major factor promoting volume that you ceased to be afraid to be yourself.
So, having understood what motivates the person to overact, and having defined as far as it is negative for mentality, you needed only to apply the described methods and to feel pleasure from life in which there is no more need to pretend to be.