Parental control: you under oppression?
“My mother can keep ringing to me, and at the end of the day I see on 36 (!) not answered a call...“ “I do not invite parents to myself home several years - we live in the different cities. Because each their arrival even for couple of days is a full refusal of my own life, the termination of meetings, rest and preliminary week cleaning from foregrounds of everything that can raise questions...“ “I was going to take
the credit for the apartment. Decided to share and discuss with parents. Better I would not do it - the second month explain to me that I irresponsible and inconsistent, do not think of the future, I do not count money and “with such salary could already save on the apartment where only you put money!“.
As you understand - it is letters not from 9 - 11 - summer girls. These are adult women of 30 - 40 years. At many - long ago the families, children... And parents still control their life. Interfere on the territory - I know several cases where mother finds it possible to arrive “on a visit“ not only without invitation, but even without the prevention.
What young people (and more adult) women try to make to get rid of such control?
• To go to other city,
• To go to the hostel of institute,
• To move to other country,
• To marry... (it is possible - you offer other options in comments).
Whether they were helped by it? there is no
. Moving and physical office per se - do not solve this situation.
Why parents seek to control us?
Once you were a child. At first absolutely helpless and defenseless. Then matured. But parents were always more senior, more, more cleverly. They sought to protect you, to teach what you do not know yet, “to prepare for life in the severe world of adults“. The child with all the difficulties and problems goes to the adult - which wiser and is more skilled.
The teenage period, youth began - and the girl wanted to make the decisions, to look for the way to lives, to build the relations. But parents continued to interfere with her life... Someone revolts against such situation. Someone pretends that he agrees. Someone allows parents to make decisions.
So lasts till 30, 40, 50 years. And at someone and all life.
What is told by parents in response to protests?
“We life lived, we already saw it! mother of bad will not advise“
“! mother knows“
“I love you and I wish well to you!“
What actually stands behind these words?
Unwillingness to release the child, to allow it to be itself.
Egoism and aspiration to realize through it the desires, dreams.
Feeling of property is my child.
Fears - to grow old, become unnecessary, unclaimed.
And at times - aspiration to leave from the solution of the problems in the relations. And parents strenuously “live life“ the adult daughter taking care of the own life. If the person does something for another, and reaction of this person (the word, action, emotions or lack of words, actions, emotions) is not pleasant to the person - means, he did it for himself.
For example: mother calls you every day with words “I worry about you. How are you? I Want to support you“. You switch-off phone, do not answer or say that it is inconvenient to you to talk now. Mother is angry, longs, is upset or still somehow shows discontent. It means that it does these calls not for you. And for. Most often mother wants: to check you, to tell about the problems with the father, to complain, to get attention and support or still something. Not to solve the problems in the relations and in life - and to shift to you as on the free psychologist.
Already your life runs on a vicious circle - answered mother - assumed others emotions (yes, emotions of parents about their relations - for you strangers, the child cannot deal with emotions of mother and father!) . Did not answer - assumed even more emotions - anger, offense and own sense of guilt - “ah what I am an awful daughter, I do not listen to mother`s complaints to the father and their relations...“.
to Whom possesses your life?
So far you run home by 22:00 “to be stopped ringing“ to parents, and to report as there passed day that you at home and everything is all right - not to you.
So far you make the choice of clothes, interests, a circle of contacts, the place of work, the future how mother with the father - not to you will react.
So far... it is possible to list many situations which show intervention of parents, we therefore brought in the beginning of article of excerpt from letters.
It is IMPORTANT to KNOW: nobody has the right to operate you and your life. it is IMPORTANT to
to KNOW: your life belongs only to you!
And still - parents “will not lag behind“, parents never recognize that all their actions are a solution of THEIR OWN PROBLEMS (I speak about situations, similar to quotes from letters).
And as if logically and reasonably recommendations of parents did not look - it is the comments turned not to the adult woman, and to the girl over whom they have the power. And their purpose - to keep control.
A if the daughter tries “not to notice“ their control, to ignore, to do silently on the - the heavy artillery is used. Influence rigidly. Through pressure, manipulations, offenses, “falling with pressure“, the appeal to a debt, sense of guilt, fears etc. I specified some favorite parental methods.
Who can exempt you from control of parents?
I Think, you already guessed. Only you can make it.
So why we appear under control and how to get out of tenacious embraces of suffocating love?
of the Reason can be different - someone in in the childhood could not resist to imperious and rigid parents. Someone in youth financially depended on them - and considered (as it is often accepted at us in the country) - as all life belonged to the father with mother. Many parents lived in the same families, and, perhaps, your mother herself still “not reports on everything on the grandmother“, gets out, the Most important reason hides etc.
- the woman did not take the responsibility for the life. And parents feel it. Do not perceive it as the independent personality. Most often it goes from uncertainty in itself, fear of the future, aspiration to avoid acute angles, not to enter the conflicts. Desire to keep comfort and to provide to others to resolve difficult and unpleasant questions.
It is difficult to such people to make independent decisions. It is difficult to say no. To defend the borders. To make the choice which close and significant people can not approve. Someone is ready to solve such situations, begins to build up the new relationship with parents. And someone continues to speak - “I am slighted by parents“, “mother on me presses“, “as to me to be with parents“, “try to run me“... Like people he is sincerely indignant, but behind words (I intentionally allocated them) the passive position, readiness to give management of the life to others is visible.
And then it is possible not to climb in terrible situations. To be covered with parents from decision-making. To write off for them the failures...
What to do?
1. To admit the fact that you are under control of parents (this control can be not obligatory such as it is described in examples, at the same time you precisely felt now - there is a control in your life or not).
2. To recognize what for any reasons for you does not get force now, confidence, determination, ability to stand and take the responsibility. To recognize - it is not obligatory for to speak to others about it.
3. To see those directions, spheres in the life, put where still “there are too much parents“. Perhaps, you need the help here. Husband, close girlfriend or psychologist.
4. To recognize the right for mistakes, the way and the decisions. Here too can be necessary support of the expert.
5. To grow up the self-confidence. There are different ways, independent or by means of the expert.
6. To begin to build the borders: to pronounce as you will do this or that serious work, to designate time of meetings and calls, to refuse comments and lectures etc. To learn to solve conflict situations (they will arise when you begin to assert the right for independence).
7. To read useful literature.
Not everything that you read now, was simply and pleasantly. But it is possible, the moment came to think of this part of the life. And to begin to do something. Select any one item from article - and make it! Your life will change.
Come back to this text, re-read once again, watch video - lessons, read books - IT is YOUR LIFE!