What the father is responsible for?
“To my son are 7 years. At present with the husband we do not live together. The son it seems also understands everything, but at the same time very much stands firm for the father, and mother periodically becomes guilty and it is necessary to hear from the child: you do not love me...
For example if the father comes and asks money, and I do not give, the son sides with the father and asks to give money. Or if the father promises to come and time goes, and it is absent, I that the son in vain did not wait, speak: probably, will not come, it is busy, do not wait already … The son becomes hysterical: why you so about the father, he will come! I try to pay to the son attention as far as it is possible, but I am afraid that I it indulge him. Began to talk with voices raised. Always with shout takes offense often at me, often ignores my requests. And we get divorced from husband because of his dependence, game. Could not cope together, decided that on the single it will be easier. Only the child lacks the father and his attention. Recently cohabitation the father was absent at home, is always busy with the game. I do not know even from what to begin to build up the relationship with the son that there were no mutual offenses and reproaches“. Question to the psychologist.
This story is penetrated by sense of guilt before the child for the fact that it was not succeeded to keep a family. Perhaps, there is also also sense of guilt before the spouse for the fact that could not help to cope to it with dependence. The described situation where the son protects the father allows to make this assumption and asks to give it money. Divorce is the last resort taken hard. For certain before deciding on it, you tried everything that you knew, everything that could, therefore, sense of guilt is superfluous here. It deprives mother of forces, prevents to build the confidential relations with the son, induces to belong to unacceptable things tolerantly: “let becomes angry about me, he has the right to it, it I did not keep for it a family …“ When you made the decision on divorce, it was an optimum measure for you, you kept what could be kept for themselves and for the child. And now you with the son - smaller, but all - a family.
The child already rather big to build up the relationship with the father independently.
When the son asks about when the father comes, you do not know it. To explain why the father does not come, you cannot too, truly?
I suggest to answer these questions frankly and if you have no answer, you and speak. Of course, there is a big temptation - to the neutral answer to add still something estimated concerning the father and his behavior, but it is not necessary to do it. You are interested in communication of the son with the father, do not interfere, now to communicate with the son - responsibility of the father. You can sympathize with the son if at him it is impossible to phone to the father, but not to explain for the father why so occurred - you do not know it, everything that you can tell, will be only a guess.
As soon as you thus will decline all responsibility for the father`s relations with the son - it will become easier for you to communicate with the boy. It is natural - you screen the father, as if cover him with yourself, preserving the son... But something is impossible from - for actions of the father - who is guilty? Of course, mother - she bears responsibility and for the father`s puncture for everything too...
Delegate to the father his responsibility for the relations with the son, you will be responsible only for own punctures, the reasons for offenses and aggression will become much less.
Well joint planning of the future - the next and remote helps to balance the relations with the child. It is possible to wake up in the morning of the day off and to plan at breakfast a set of pleasant events. It is good if the most part from them manages to be embodied, but even to dream happens very pleasantly and it is useful. Then it is possible to take longer time spans and to plan them.
During performance of any household chores invite the child and accompany this occupation with interesting conversation. For example, you make a dinner, call the child because you want to stay near it, remember yourself at his age, some amusing stories connected with cookery. As you, for example, wishing to please mother, cooked soup from cubes, having believed advertizing, or baked cookies, having mixed salt and sugar. Such stories not only pull together and lighten mood, but also grant to the child the right for a mistake.
Two - three weeks of such communication - and the son will help you with all household chores.