How to overcome destructive consequences of quarrels?
What consequences for the relations bear in themselves quarrels and scandals? By what psychological principles it is worth being guided also what rules to adhere to return the quarrels of feeling of tenderness and proximity lost later? Here about it the speech in this article will go.
Standard scandal: the heated nerves, mutual recriminations, shouts. Then offense, gloomy thoughts, sense of guilt and hopelessness. All this happens to a certain frequency and overloads the relations of two loving people with a negative which is capable to destroy the most tender and warm feelings.
Quarrels sow pain and estrangement that generates such fruits as changes, a drinking habit, workaholism. And all because very few people think of that as is important to neutralize consequences of quarrels. All of us are people and as if we tried, the conflicts are inevitable. We can reduce their quantity, having learned to apply the principles of healthy communication. But we will never be able to avoid them completely.
If already so occurred that, despite all our efforts, conversation turned into quarrel which ended with rough scandal, then to reduce destructive consequences, it is necessary to apply certain psychological methods.
At once I want to note, it makes sense only in the relations which correspond to the following criteria:
- both partners are equally interested in development and maintenance of the relations;
- there is a mutual trust;
- participants of relationship have desire to analyze themselves and the acts;
- are ready to behave honestly and openly;
- are able to recognize the mistakes;
- are ready to the actions directed to change of the negative schemes of behavior.
So, let us assume, you quarreled, quarreled, told each other a heap of unpleasant things, obviously said too much and ran up on different corners. Both of you need time to cool down and recover, analyse what occurred.
But what to do later? To pout and all look to express contempt for the partner, showing how strongly it touched you? Not to talk to it several days and to sleep separately to punish him for that pain which it brought? Or to go to the bar, to get drunk with friends and to return at daybreak? And maybe, “to pick up“ some person to be consoled and restore a self-assessment? Or to begin to make up, joke, behave as if nothing occurred?
Of course, you can arrive any of the listed ways. Perhaps, somebody uses something from above-offered as it is. But in that case you have to understand that all this ways in “anywhere“. What to do? As already earlier it was mentioned, to allow to cool down each other, but not to undertake at this time anything of that kind that could strengthen the conflict. Then it is desirable to resume conversation.
1. Ventilation of feelings and exchange of opinions. at the beginning of conversation share the feelings with the partner. Honestly tell what occurred at you in soul during quarrel. Tell about the reaction to his words and acts. Tell those emotions that induced you to behave definitely. Then honestly admit in what you consider yourself wrong in this situation, and in what absolutely right. Let to share the same also your partner.
In the course of such communication it becomes clear how many misunderstanding arose in a rush of emotions how many the wrong estimates and conclusions were made. The constructive exchange of feelings and opinions helps to destroy an aggressive spirit and introduces warmth in conversation. In such atmosphere it becomes easier to recognize the mistakes, to realize that pain which brought to the darling, to ask forgiveness each other and to tell about the love. If at this stage both partners behaved sincerely and openly, tried to understand each other and to forgive, then in soul of everyone there is a healing of the wounds put during quarrel.
2. The analysis of the problem which generated the conflict. you spoke the emotions, got support, were convinced of sincerity and love of your partner, revealed misunderstanding. And only after that it is worth passing to the analysis of that problem which became the disagreement reason. Let everyone will offer the solutions problems from which you will choose what will suit both.
If this problem has periodic character and from - for it at you quarrels repeatedly break out, then it is necessary to get to the bottom of the true reasons of its emergence. It is very important to find and eliminate them. Perhaps, efforts and certain time for this purpose will be required. Perhaps, you will understand that the situation is so serious that you will not be able to cope with it and it is necessary to ask for the help. Anyway make everything to dig in a problem essence as it is possible more deeply, but not to hook on it only superficially. It will help to find really effective ways of elimination of the reason of the conflicts.
3. The following stage distribute responsibility for the practical embodiment of solutions of a problem, which you approved. Thus, in the future it will be easier for you to avoid disagreements if something goes not as you planned, responsibility will be in advance defined. If there is such need, then periodically lead discussions which purpose will be an analysis and correction of solutions of the problem concerning you.
Adhering to the described councils, together you will be able to overcome any difficulties and at the same time not to lose feeling of proximity and love. It is valid if two persons are enough zrela, then in their forces to create the union which will bring them happiness, but not infinite series of scandals and offenses.