Neurotic need for love. What is it dangerous by?
Need for love - one of fundamental needs of the person. Each of us seeks to love and be a darling. However any separately taken personality understands this feeling in own way, putting the most different components in its basis.
Recently we even more often hear from psychologists of the concept “neurotic love“, “neurotic need for love“, or simpler combination “love - dependence“. What this for love such and what it differs from original feeling in? Let`s sort a small example from life.
Lenochka came to me in the most upset feelings. She needed to speak. Its relations with Mikhail began three months ago. According to Lena, everything was remarkable. Mikhail was interested in bright, very attractive brown-haired woman at once, and he invited Lena to appointment. Soon it became clear that young people have very many common interests. They began to meet. However by the end of the second month Lena began to realize with alarm that Mikhail somehow considerably to it grew cold. Calls of steel from it less frequently. Lena strongly worried about it and could not understand, what has happened?
When I began to ask carefully at Lena on her behavior with Mikhail, many curious things became clear. It turned out that Lena fell in love with the guy nearly at first sight. According to her stories, Mikhail all is weaved from one advantages, and it was necessary to fall in love with him. It had to this man a special feeling of attachment at once, and it did not hesitate to express the feelings. She could call him in day on five - six times just to learn, how its affairs. In the morning it is SMS - which wished it kind morning, and in the evening good night. She in every possible way showed care about is mute as if he was a child.
And here now I saw this beautiful girl driven to despair by the own feeling to the young man. Lena absolutely sincerely did not understand what it made not so? She vainly tried to find the reason in the words and acts. She tried to remember where it seemed to it inattentive or offended the word, but nothing occurred.
The example of Lena very brightly reflects concept of love - dependence. The dependent person does not represent the life without soulmate. For it the whole world loses the colors and paints if nearby he or she is absent. The dependent partner is dissolved in these relations, forgetting about the requirements and about the I. He selflessly serves another and waits for the same manifestation of love in relation to himself.
But the paradox is that the soulmate upon whom this avalanche of feelings suddenly falls simply begins to choke with this persuasive love.
The dependent person suffering from neurotic need for love seeks not only to preserve in everything the elect, but also to control him. From here cross-questionings (where you and with whom you?) flashes of jealousy, often from scratch and constant fear of loss of darling.
The neurotic exhausts the suspiciousness not only himself, but also the partner, demanding from the last all of new and new proofs of love. On the one hand, dependent itself it is inclined to sacrifice and to refusal of the requirements. But, on the other hand, becoming a shadow of the partner, the neurotic most likely will stop being for him interesting. The desire to get rid somewhat quicker of the one who loves it too strongly will become the only thing and quite reasonable desire of the partner. For this reason people with neurotic need for love very often remain one.
Women are more inclined to manifestation of neurotic love - dependence, than the man. Advice to women: if at an acquaintance stage you feel in yourself irresistible desire to preserve the man, know that the initiative always has to proceed from it. You run away - it catches up. You the victim - he is a hunter. And in any way not on the contrary. If at you the maternal instinct wakes up to it, suppress it in every way. Otherwise you will frighten off it the hyper guardianship, and he will run away from you at the first opportunity.
I needed some time that Lena realized the mistakes in the relations with Mikhail. She ceased to call and write it sms continuously. It just disappeared from his life. As it appeared, for a while. Mikhail called. It became just interesting to it why Lena suddenly about it forgot. Their relations develop absolutely in other key now, and it is possible that soon this couple will go to a registry office.
However it is possible to call a case of Lena quite easy as her consciousness was ready to apprehend behavior model, new to it. In practice often it is necessary to face cases of heavy neurotic dependence. As a rule, the neurotic has extremely low self-assessment. His partner can aggravate this situation with the constant remarks that without him he or she nothing in this life mean. And dependent trusts in it! Believes that without partner his life will lose any meaning. And if the relations of the neurotic failed, his life indeed loses any meaning, suicide moods and all this are possible until the neurotic does not meet new object for adoration. And everything will repeat again - all-consuming sacrificial love, constant fear of loss, obsession control, jealousy - and as a result rejection of the partner from the person who tries to limit his freedom, losing at the same time the “I“.
Dependence on something is first of all dependence. Dependence on love is not better than dependence on alcohol. Both that, and another makes the life of the person miserable. Psychologists say that if you love and you cannot release - means, it is not love. Sounds quite rigidly, but it is fair. To love another - means to wish it the best. And if darling wishes to leave, he should be released. But the dependent neurotic cannot release - it is higher than his forces. He loves the love, the ideal, but not the real person.
It is possible to get rid of dependent behavior. But for this purpose it is necessary to change the consciousness. It is necessary to understand accurately that your partner is not your property, not your toy, but the full personality equal to you which needs love, support, respect and freedom.