To help or refuse? Execution of foreign desires of
One of breaking popularity records inquiry to the psychologist sounds so: “I am not able to refuse to surrounding people“. How the person admitting it feels? Depending on what is the cornerstone of his motivation, differently. The victim, the savior, the hero, “the eternal debtor“ … the Set of roles is various
. But anyway lack of ability to set own purposes and plans on the first place and is correct to place priorities bear in themselves inconvenience, first of all, for this purpose who is not able to tell “No“ to people in response to the requests oversetting it personal plans.
Under the influence of what circumstances such stereotype of behavior is formed? If to the child in the childhood created installation of “social love“, then he is convinced that it is possible to love it only for benefit which it brings to surrounding people. Any actions, desires connected from his (child) personal “I“ were not satisfied or considered only at observance of a set of conditions by him.
What is installation of “social love“? Everything is simple. The society (society, an environment) “loves“ us for advantage which we bring it. Also pays for it - recognition, money, respect. It is model it is absolutely pertinent in a number of areas of life. For example, at work. In the relations with relatives it is harder and harder. Close people accept us such what we are, and love not for something but because it is absent another, we are unique. So, we have the right for the desires and their realization. It in the harmonious scenario. And scenarios happen different.
Telling the child: “If you do not eat soup, mother will not love you“, “If you well are not engaged, the father will cease to respect you“, “Will behave badly - the militiaman will come and will take away you“, “Will not clean a toy - we will send you to children`s home“, - parents form at the child accurate dependence between love, respect, recognition and specific actions which have to be executed. You will do what from you wait for, - will love, you will not be - will not be.
At such approach accurate installation is formed that at first it is necessary to meet desires of people around, and already then to think of itself and the requirements.
There is an obvious contradiction - trying to deserve love and recognition of people, I broadcast readiness to renounce the requirements. But if I do not love myself - nobody will love me too. Putting on the first place of a request of other people, the person waits for a praise and approval, and receives opposite: manipulations, use and ironic label: “Bride at every wedding“.
It is important to help people and it is necessary. But only in case it does not cause damage personally to you and your relatives. Because to help fully - it is to share. Emotions, experience, time, opportunities, knowledge. And it is possible to share, just - having that and being filled most.
Learn to say “No“ to what restrains you and interferes with satisfaction of your requirements. Having learned to reckon with itself, you gain respect and recognition much quicker, than trying to grant all requests addressed to you. Well, and self-confidence and tranquility will become a prize.
Learn to say “No“ to all that “I“ break borders of yours.