Are not born Shopologik …
the Psychological nature of a shopogolizm
on reception approached Recently me the beautiful wealthy successful young woman. In her life, from the point of view of girlfriends and mother there is all: the husband, children, the high social status, highly paid work without which she all the same would be well off. When I took an interest about the purpose of its visit, it told that it developed dependence on shopping in which it gets things which actually are not necessary to it. Otherwise such behavior is called still a shopogolizm or an omniomaniya.
And all nothing, but the bought things already could not be put, the lot of personal financial means goes to emptiness though the husband with understanding treats the events and does not make it a claim. The mood after shopping is lightened only for a couple of hours and when she understands that she bought absolutely unnecessary thing again - there comes apathy and internal emptiness which she does not know, than to fill.
Until recently there were girlfriends until they had children, there were even close relations with the man that allowed it to endure so strong feelings necessary for it, and now she understands that she receives pleasure, only doing these purchases which is replaced by disappointment soon. It goes all the time on the same vicious circle from which cannot escape …
&ndash in any way; From where it undertook in me? In what the reason? And what with all this to do to me? Farther I so do not want to live and I cannot! - there are questions which she wanted to understand.
Shopogolizm, as well as any other “-isms“, i.e. dependences: workaholism, seksogolizm, alcoholism, - has the same nature of emergence and development which originates in a parental family. In order that the child inclined to dependence grew up, the following conditions are necessary:
In a family both or one parent use the authoritative style of education which is expressed in strict control, presentation of a strict requirement and expectations, to adoption of the vital decisions for the child, imposing of the beliefs and values. If the child does not submit to requirements or does not get to expectations - punishments are applied to him.
Is professions which inevitably lead to formation at the child of dependent behavior: these are, unfortunately, teachers and military. These are the people working in systems of suppression, and “knowing“ how it is “correct“ to live. If your mother is a teacher, and the father military, then either you, or someone from your relatives - are dependent. It as speak, “the medical fact“.
One or both of the parent are dependent. The option when the father - the alcoholic is most widespread.
What occurs in such families with the child? Since the childhood it lacks for love. When you begin to ask such person how his parents showed to him the love, he can remember nothing. It is accepted to embrace and kiss was not. Well, maybe, during a feast when it was necessary to say a toast, spoke: “We love you“.
But often such child hears criticism in the address and experiences experience rejection from parents. It forms vital installation that it not as it should be, with it something not so … The criticism beats off desire in general something to do and to make attempts for the solution of actual vital tasks. There is a condition of helplessness which leads to dependence development.
Coming back to history of my client, her parents still solves for it where also as whom it needs to work. She would like to be engaged in creative work, but three (!) higher educations which she received at insistance of parents do not give it freedom “to become the simple handicraftsman“. Mother was never interested in her feelings, and on her candidates for husbands looked only as at a catch. At the same time she said that her daughter is insufficiently beautiful that it is just successful to marry, she “needs to succeed by dint of the wit“. Parents were engaged at work all the time, often left it at one grandmother, at another, and tried to compensate a lack of attention by toys and expensive gifts.
As to escape from this vicious circle? For this purpose it is necessary to change the attitude towards itself, to be exact, to begin to accept itself such what you are. That occurs? Shortage of love and attention from parents in the childhood leads to the fact that such child, becoming the adult, tries to find this love in other person. It gains one more emotional dependence on attention from an opposite sex. But his dislike for itself, uncertainty that it can be pleasant in itself without everyones on that the reasons and efforts, provoke the inadequate behavior in relation to the partner which is expressed in jealousy scenes, imposing of the society, control, etc. Finally, the relations break up, and the person receives the next confirmation to the fact that it is not loved, it is not necessary.
You will tell, it is easy to tell, fall in love with himself! But how to make it? About it in the following article which and will be called: “How to fall in love with itself“.
Together with Yulia Vasyukova