What means to love the child? What means to respect the child?
As are paradoxical, but often parents explain the suppression in relation to the child with the fact that they love it. Under suppression the ban on satisfaction of needs of the child through interruption of its activity means. For example, parents forbid the child viewing of its favourite series, explaining it with the fact that they love it and therefore they care about its mental health.
Forbidding to be engaged in the child in what he wants, parents force it to do, what does not meet his requirements, for example, lessons. If at the same time the child does not submit to requirements, then punishment inevitably follows. The love in parental understanding is shown through the statement: “I love you and better I know that it is necessary for you. Therefore you have to do what I tell you“.
What is seen by the child when you tell it to him? The frowned eyebrows, the squeezed mouth goggled from rage. He reads love on your face? NO. What is heard at the same time by the child? That he is an idler, the villain, the poor student, and in the future will become a janitor. Where here love? What does he feel when he from all possible touches receives at best clips? I do not think that love. But adults consider that the child has to love them. But he is not able to do it! Parents cannot teach him to what are not able. And they are not able to show love.
So it “to love the child“ so that he knew it? Let`s reject all imaginable and inconceivable definitions of love aside. I talk about love in Christian understanding when I see the person, I hear it, I feel, I accept it it what it is without condemnation and I show to it genuine interest. You remember how Jesus Christ called the persecutors of executioners “kind people @? Each person is worthy love because he has Divine essence.
How the child can understand that parents love him? He has to see their kind faces, hear the benevolent speech turned to it, receive about itself(himself) positive feedback, feel that it is interesting to them also the fact that it is accepted any, even “black“.
What means to respect the child?
Academic year began, and many children went to school, and their parents … to the psychologist. The school is always the peculiar litmus piece of paper showing, the relations in a family are how harmonious and healthy. If the child more other children draws to himself attention of teachers of the articles “progress“ and “behaviour“, he begins to bring home the diary with the corresponding remarks. The parents upset with critical statements to the child go to the psychologist to correct a situation.
Most often they complain to the psychologist of behavior of the child who ceased to obey them, and ask to influence him so that it started over again them obeying, i.e., to fulfill their requirements, and also requirements of teachers. When I ask that you want to get during consultation for yourself, mother answers: “I want that it …“ And variations:
- ceased to react to my statements negatively;
- ceased to lie;
- ceased to watch telecasts which are not pleasant to me;
- ceased to be on friendly terms with “bad children“ of
Parents take, thus, a position in relation to the child: “I know better how to you to live“. It the child loses practically all rights:
- on the opinion;
- at the choice;
- on a mistake;
In some families children have no territory and the personal time! Even in conditionally free time parents control, than the child is engaged, and interrupt his activity if consider that he should not be engaged in it. In this case I do not see fundamental differences from prison living conditions.
At the same time the child, the rights deprived by parents, is allocated with the huge list of obligations. When I ask what your child has to do, parents easily and quickly begin to list (everything that in brackets, is specified during additional questions of the psychologist):
- to learn (to do homework and to receive good marks)
- is (when I call also what I give);
- to observe (established by me) an order;
- to observe (set by me) a day regimen;
- and 144 more points...
When the child begins to resist suppression and control, parents are indignant and speak:
- Well, you see, the child has to respect adults (to submit to us)!
- And you respect the child?
- Of course, we respect.
- And how?
- Well we know, now, you, psychologists, no offense meant, say that the child the same person and that he has same rights … But, allow, it what, we have to do as he will want? We have to submit to it now perhaps?
The respect, thus, is understood by parents as submission: or I subordinate the child to myself, or he submits to me. Criterion of respect is the possession of the power. And now you understand why the class teacher Marya Ivanovna sends notes to parents what the child at lessons ignores its requirements?
The school is more - less empty seat from parental control in which teachers know that the child has rights, and the child understands that here it has more rights, than at the teacher. Here he can submit to nobody, and except diary entries to him for it nothing will be … I heard from the teacher that even if the child will come to occupation in alcoholic intoxication, then the teacher has no right to remove it from lessons as bears responsibility for life of pupils at this time.
So actually means “to respect the child“? Respect - it is valid observance of the rights. It does not mean that if I respect the right of the child to watch in free time TV, but not to draw because “it has to develop“, then I submit his ox. The respect of the rights is not clarification of that, “who in the house the owner“.
Usually here parents object, trying to hold the power:
- Well so that, start up it now watches that it wants: violence, blood? Let smokes, drinks?
Fears prevent to refuse control and suppression that the child will not get to their expectations:
- will not graduate from school;
- will not graduate;
- will not become the president, or, at the worst, the famous athlete or the actor;
- will not bring “a glass of water“ (financial means) in old age;
The respect is impossible smoothly from expectations, condemnation and rejection of the child which is expressed that parents do not accept their child with it what he is. The respect does not happen without humility to the fact that “I know better“. Actually, the child sees many things and analyzes still the pure reason which is not infected with negative thinking which is transferred to it by adults. Therefore it asks simple questions which indicate contradictions in adult logic, on lack of honesty in the relations and manipulation in relation to it. The child much more more adults is brought closer to reality.
The respect is a refusal of a position “you have to“. The child, as well as any other person, feels what feels. He should not respect and love you. He to study this behavior at adults and what you said to it how it is necessary to do, it does everything as well as you. You will never force it to respect you and to love you because in response to suppression, bans and punishments at it arise anger, offense, fear and hatred. And to put it mildly, it is illogical to wait from it at these moments of manifestation of love and respect.
Together with Yulia Vasyukova