Long road to a maturity. Dependence or independence?
“The adult - this the one who does not need to cling to anybody and on anybody to rely. The adult is the one who is happy alone with himself“, - Osho told.
Great literary works - “Romeo and Juliette“, “The lady with camellias“, “Anna Karenina“, “Carmen“, “Doctor Zhivago“ narrate about inescapable torments of heroes in waste of love dependence. They are convinced that they can find happiness only with one person who gets out on the basis of an inaccessibility.
Heroes are ready to be reconciled with gloomy sufferings for the sake of several moments of ultraboundary ecstasy. It is not the worst option yet. In more tragic case one of partners clings in all ways to another, and at that... - extramarital affair, computer or bottle. But it is extremes.
At the harmonious relations symptoms of emotional dependence are not shown brightly in everyday life. Anyway it is possible to adapt to them so that they do not disturb simple daily happiness.
In a varying degree many people feel in a trap of contradictions during the difficult periods of the life, feel at the same time despair, powerlessness, fear, anger or loneliness. It is natural if does not unsettle for a long time.
What features of character and behavior complicate family life, complicate advance on life and prevent establishment of the strong harmonious relations with friends and relatives?
- Uncertainty in, doubts at decision-making;
- desire to control thoughts and actions of family members, concentration of the energy on others;
- the indirect statement of the thoughts and desires, and attempts to give them for intention of another or their justification as “for you it is so best of all“;
- inability to ask directly about the help, and conviction that others have to guess as as it is necessary to make for the loved one;
- a combination of hyper responsibility for life and wellbeing of the family to low responsibility for quality of own life;
- fear to make a mistake, burdensome feeling of fault for the miscalculations and intolerance to mistakes and misses of others;
- is black - white perception of world around, maximalism in estimates of others: either enthusiastic, or extremely negative;
- difficulties if necessary to protect itself, the interests and feelings;
- sensitivity to opinion of people around, intolerance of reproaches and criticism;
- fear to be unnecessary, rejected.
These properties of the person can become a starting point to move in the direction by own maturity and of psychological independence , on the way of original emotional proximity and stability, a careful and responsible attitude to the life. And then the situation can look so.
On the bus-stop the old woman with knot of things at legs holds the mobile phone in hand and clumsily points a finger shivering in buttons.
By goes the young man.
- Unuchok, help to write SMS - a soobcheniya.
- Well, give, the granny. What to write - that?
- Write: “Rascal. Do not look for me. I at mother“.
But in other case the above-stated features of character, being fixed and blossoming, can become a basis of the dependent relations when adults are not free in the choice of the line of conduct and type of interaction with others. This phenomenon can concern and of the relations of parents with the grown-up child, and the relations of adult partners.
Psychological dependence is such type of relationship at which feelings, the behavior and attitude of the personality is limited to tough rules and negative experience of the past. In other words, this violation of personal borders towards merge to another.
So sozavisimy, or psychologically dependent woman can just be a find for the husband with alcoholic or any other dependence: her tendency to concentrate on another, forgetting about the interests and needs, ability to control and save life close, unrestrained aspiration to direct it, and also fear that “it all the same is better than nobody will find“, can well be combined with infantilism and unwillingness of the husband to bear responsibility for own life and furthermore for wellbeing of all family.
So, for example, the woman complains: “I grant myself a delay all the time, there now I will suffer still slightly - slightly... and everything, everything I will break off. Oh, what I am silly. I am not afraid to manage the affairs, work with the, everything, as for business life, I am an awful workaholic. But as for personal - that is a full stupor... There though a grass grow, to terribly look and bring order“. uncertainty and internal concern of partners Supports by
such deal: it seems that the soulmate will be able to fill at least somehow internal emptiness and to extinguish alarm, fears of vital difficulties, of responsibility, loneliness.
In other option of the relations parents believe that they should not feel sorry for either forces, or time for the child that he grew up clever - razumnenky and could cope with all peripetias of the forthcoming life. So, mother complains: “How I am able to afford to do the 15 - to the summer son lessons independently? There was yet no such week when it would not bring from school of a bad mark or the remark“ .
Being afraid that children will not cope if not to direct them and not to edify in all daily affairs, such parents become irrepressible in the aspiration to direct children even then when children grow up and try to get the family.
Usually for parents dependent “child“ is some emotional feed. Then they become more significant and necessary. Then they for many years have a task in life - to help children. The task, actually dangerous as children want to live, do not love when climb in their affairs, and often see a hindrance, and even harm in this help.
The task of the choice of own way of development and creation of internally free harmonious relations with close people can become more adequate and psychologically healthy alternative of the adult in such situation.