How there is codependence?
the Subject of psychological dependence is infinite and many-sided as the Universe. There is a lot of manifestations of codependence.
Here couple of examples of how the sozavisimy person can think and act: “I everywhere and everywhere am pursued by doubts, I do not know what I want in general, as a result I cannot independently make decisions - I go down stream and eventually I remain dissatisfied with result of what in my life is. I cannot understand what young man is necessary to me, and destroy those relations which I have. I was tired of the infinite doubts and indecision“.
Or other example: “I am 35 years old! I do not live 11 years with parents. But! If I feel that what I do, my mother will not approve, I feel sincere discomfort even if mother does not learn about it“.
The reason of emotional dependence, psychological dependence of people - short-reception of heat and love in a parental family. The person as if reaches for others in hope to get that support, geniality and feeling of confidence which were not enough in the childhood.
First of all it belongs to alcohol-addicted families in which children know that they not such as everything that at them something is wrong. Sometimes they feel guilty and even responsibility for what their parents drink, are ashamed of it, are inclined to social isolation, seldom visit friends and invite to themselves home, hesitate and hide the problems. The unstable and destructive behavior and drinking, and the second parent results in inconsistency and discrepancy of education. As a result the relations with the child worsen, at children the self-assessment is underestimated, the feeling of uselessness, isolation appears. Further it is difficult for such children to establish and maintain the close, long-term adult relations and to build a family.
The incomplete family or the sharp conflict relations between parents, a serious somatic or mental chronic illness any of family members, and also despotic, rejecting and, strangely enough, the hyper sponsoring education can be the cause of short-reception of love.
That psychological maturing and the subsequent self-determination of the child took place successfully and it took place as the independent personality, in his infancy daily presence of the loving fathers and mother or other close people is necessary. If in a family of the relation of the father and mother not confidential if in the house of disorder, the conflicts and oppositions, then process of office and formation of the identity of the child drags on.
Psychologically dependent woman, having become mother, can experience difficulties in education of children. Instead of sharing with the husband and relatives responsibility on education of the kid and by that to facilitate to itself life, she often feels fear that the husband, her mother or someone from relatives can incorrectly influence the child or not cope...
Trying to undertake completely all responsibility for wellbeing of the kid, mother often sets for himself an impracticable task - to bring up the self-sufficient personality, but one it is obvious not on forces. A postnatal depression of mother though wrote a little about it earlier and the diagnosis was almost not made, too can influence the child not in the best way: if mother is not supported in education of the child by other adults, then the kid feels a burden, but not parental happiness.
The excess parental attention and control, or hyper guardianship when parents try to spread straws can become one more of the reasons of codependence and long infantilism and to protect the child from all troubles and chagrin, watch each his step, carefully choose to it at first toys, then circles, friends and girlfriends. Thereby they interfere with development of identity and independence of the child.
The same mothers and fathers who support the child`s initiative according to his age allow to take the risk and to make mistakes, give to children extremely important experience of overcoming of difficulties, uses of own opportunities and promote formation of their autonomy.
Well, and a historical factor you should not dismiss. Parents of our mothers and fathers were children of war, times of repressions and despotisms. When the country has critical time, its population into the forefront has a problem of a survival, ensuring physical safety and food for preservation of life and health of family members. The psychological comfort, cordial relations in a family - fade into the background.
The problem of creation of communistic society also assumed renunciation of personal needs and tasks. Refusal of own interests for the sake of public was propagandized. In practice, for example, it could mean a priority of implementation of the production plan on a workplace over other needs, requirements of a family. The sick-list on care of the child wrote out reluctantly. Grandmothers who sat with sick grandsons rescued. Unemployed mother was considered as a parasite.
Here also it turns out that many parents of the previous generations instead of heat and tenderness gave to the children only lessons of how to survive in extreme conditions, and could not teach how to show the love to the child as well as what to say how to embrace, give heat and tenderness.
Thus, dependent options of behavior and relationship with other people are formed in the childhood and are only way available to the child to cope with difficulties and to adapt to living conditions in a family.
With age at the person actual requirements change, inquiries grow, circumstances, the vital purposes become complicated. As a result to it it becomes close in a habitual framework of the relations. And then there is a task to change children`s forms of interaction to more mature.
And one of the most important stages on our way to a maturity - establishment of the positive relations with parents and recognition behind them of the right for mistakes and imperfection.