Rus Articles Journal

When I the adult become? We told codependence of

In the childhood “Here when I grow up …“ and dreamed of what will be when there comes this time. Who did not dream to buy on all money of ice cream or candies, and studying at school - the most abrupt prikid that all class gasped and died of envy?

... Or, at last, to get the most fine dog in the world. To acquire the rights and to learn to drive the car, to become the taxi driver or the confectioner, the stewardess, the actress, the great traveler... Take above, dreaming to become the president or at least the CEO. We since the childhood wanted that our opinion was important that we were heard, respected and appreciated.

The world around demands from yesterday`s children of responsibility, will power, honesty, ability to independently make decisions. And here we grow up, hardly noticing the changes. School, school-leaving certificate, entering a higher education institution, diploma, training, work … And it seems “When I will become an adult …“ becomes irrelevant.

And still not absolutely so.

Not each person who reached solid age and the sizes can brag of the fact that the solution of vital tasks comes to him easily that he is sure and quite precisely correlates the desires to opportunities that understands what achievement of the purposes for it is optimum and realistic that it in a harmony with himself and people around.

Owing to certain circumstances the adult or almost the adult not always realizes the expectations from life, understands to what purposes to aspire to whom to trust and what to trust in by whose opinion it is worth being guided on what to wave a hand. It is gnawed by doubts in correctness of the fact that it does, fear to be mistaken, not to please or not to guess someone`s desire, to lose, miss chance, and also fault for last and even future mistakes, for deeds or not executed.

Some authors claim that such not quite independent and mature 30-40 - summer people - 90%, that is most of the population. It is not terrible, a question only in extent of manifestation. Over time much manage to seize in the ways to bypass the “weak“ places and to reach higher level of a maturity and harmony. And this way to life long.

Some nevertheless experience considerable difficulties and anguish at each change of vital circumstances. It is so difficult for them to cope with a task or own experiences that they try to find someone to lean on it, as on a crutch. At the same time it is difficult for them to ask openly for the help, and in soul they hope that relatives will guess and will help to solve (or will solve for them) all collected problems.

Especially the grown-up children from dysfunctional families - families of alcoholics, incomplete, conflict, received repressive or indifferent education suffer. Concerning such adults recently the term “sozavisimos“ meaning emotional unfreedom, dependence of the person on other people very extended...

Treat the main manifestations of emotional dependence:

- feeling of stay in a trap of the controlling relations;
- strong uncertainty in, in the forces;
- exclusive orientation to opinion of people around;
- need for continuous approval and support from outside;
- misunderstanding of, own desires and interests;
- painful feeling of fault and shame for the imperfection or for “abnormality“ of the life;
- feeling of shortage of forces, energy, an implementation failure;
- feeling of as the martyr;
- the reduced mood and tendency to depressions.

There are several examples describing a condition of sozavisimy people.

“I did not get used to complain strongly. To whom who is necessary, except native mother and she has without me an array of problems. I have girlfriends, the sister, but when problems begin, I do not want to load others ears. I am an ordinary person with the minuses and pluses, and quite everything suits me, only does not leave feeling which importunately claims that I do something not so, I live incorrectly“.

Other example: “To me 30, mother 68. The relations with it make the life all miserable. Mother tries to eradicate from my life everything, except herself. Vigorously, vigorously works, and I inertly resist, I lose forces, I despond. She criticizes me all acquaintance and the stranger eternally. Constantly I think that there mother does that she still will invent that will be told by people. Caught itself that lost a circle of contacts, friends, it is a shame“.

The longer codependence develops, the it becomes stronger. It is possible to tell that codependence has the chronic and progressing character. Eventually sozavisimy people are absorbed by a problem of monitoring dependent. As they say, would be sozavisimy, and dependent will always be.

In other words, emotionally unripe, connected on hands by opinion of other people cannot build the harmonious relations with surrounding people. The probability that sozavisimy will unconsciously choose to himself as the partner of the “problem“ person is very high: having alcoholism or the compulsive gambler, the jealous man or the lady`s man, abrupt on punishment or the gentle infantile person who in a family will play a role not of the father of family, and one more child.

Therefore internal work on development of the emotional stability, and also personal independence and a maturity can become the most important problem of sozavisimy.