On a destiny edge or Who goes, without raising eyes?
“Well, Tatyana could not return to Onegin in spite of the fact that the love because …“ - Aleksan Gennadich in thoughtfulness “swam up“ to a teacher`s chair continued to live in heart her, for some reason knocked on it with a metal pointer, leaned against it and turned an eye in a window. to
distributed a crash, and the chair failed, having captured Gennadich. “… Because the chair was weak“, - the teacher concluded, ridiculously pottering about on a floor.
The call rang out, and we did not learn why Tanya with Zhenya did not get married. And now, pozvroslev, I happened to become a witness of other history absolutely.
I knew one couple. They were adult, taken place and well-founded. And they were different. But not as fire and ice, and as cloud and river, as milk and oil. That is something they nevertheless had the general. And they felt something to each other. Love not love, and near.
However, everyone felt in own way: it - suffering, in tears; it - without hysterics, but it is gentle. He never called her, did not respond to letters, but when she called him, was sincerely glad. He organized their beautiful appointments and cared for that nobody learned about them. But it lacked its attention, and every time, leaving his house, she felt broken. And though they seldom saw each other, their strange relations in that house lasted long and for many years.
Being confided in its affairs, I often asked a question why to it it it is necessary and as she manages not to sleep at the nights, to conceal bitterness in soul, and then, indifferently, to call him, to laugh, meet and never to remember the offenses … I was perplexed how it is possible is so unpromising to live. I asked...
- I want that it was easy for it. He is tired, he does not need my hysterics.
- Yes it just uses you! - I doubted. there is no
-. It I use it, - she answered.
- But it completely controls a situation! - I was not appeased.
- Yes. And has to be. That whose head is colder has to control, - it was not given.
- But it never happens nearby! - Listen to
! It not from those who will go on park and to rustle with leaves. Even it is ridiculous to present it. Do not worry about me, we do what is necessary for both of us.
The last phrase stopped my impact. I was convinced that I communicate with that whom poisonous languages consider as the silly chicken who fastened on a nose magic points of Goodwin through which even in a piece of glass it is possible to make out an emerald.
I did not try to overpersuade her any more, at heart sympathizing and feeling sorry for her. So far once did not see how they communicate., It seems, nothing of that kind, the man and the woman, but for some reason, standing aside with a suitcase, I understood that any woman would not refuse these strange relations.
Expression, familiar since the childhood: “Well that you go as a tail! You have to have the opinion, advocate the interests!“... We were taught self-sufficiency, independence, inspired in us aspiration not to be “tails“. And I studied too diligent.
Therefore just now understood that it is possible to teach it not all. There are people who are arranged differently, not as the majority of us. At all not because they it is worse than us, are restrained in something, not because they like to be humiliated. Just they are such: endure more than the others.
They like to love, to look after and care, and it is more important for them, than reciprocal feeling. Both men, and women are such. They such with all and in everything. And it will be very heavy to them to pose as someone another.
They are quiet externally, capable as in the song to pass on a destiny edge, without having gone deep into a jungle, without having taken out from the person of soul, without having left about itself painful memoirs, without having caused disappointment and a regret. Such also you remember all life. And if suddenly that thread that connected you, disappears, then understand that plainly and did not know anything about the person, before it was a lung, did not cut to pieces to you a brain the problems.
Here and now when she lives on that side of the ocean and almost ceased to write, I feel unprecedented emptiness. Because she forced me to look on the other hand that it is considered to be as dependence, human weakness. Watching it, I suddenly understood one simple thing: it likes to give, and it found the one who loves and is able to accept.
Right now I understand how she was lucky that he did not climb in windows a fire-escape, did not dim petals of roses its way from work home, did not spin wreaths from dandelions as the Troubadour, and did not jingle on a guitar at an entrance.
It was lucky because nobody learned their secret, and they could do freely what is pleasant to them, without demanding from each other bigger. On their place someone be younger - and history would threaten to turn into the thriller, with firing and a jump from a window in the final.
And left as a result that was not in that vital prose neither humiliated, nor offended, nor predators, nor the victims. It not to everyone on temper.
Therefore it is possible to write waste paper ton with councils how has to and as the woman should not behave, it is possible to travel about over the country with seminars on this subject and even to scare together a modest fortune, but, while there is light, nothing in this world will change. Someone composes, and someone lives.
Now I can estimate, how strongly Tatyana wanted to return to Onegin when he fell to her legs. And I know that there were circumstances disturbing it - a debt and pride. And I already almost understand why she would not make it even if circumstances would not interfere with it in any way. I lack the trifle: my teacher nearby.
It is very necessary for me that it finished that phrase. He knows about all this for certain. Because reads classics much, and everything that occurs between the man and the woman, it is old as the world.