What to do when you unfairly criticize
Remember when for the first time made you the remark that you do something not so, and who was this person? Of course, it is necessary to remember the first days lives anew to worry as the most favourite and main person in life, that is, mother, showed discontent with your behavior.
Now you already adult and independent, but the criticism will still wound you in the address and causes anger, offense, sense of guilt and helplessness …
But what to do in that case? How to react to unfair critical remarks to keep the internal rest, adequately to behave at the same time and to give adequate feedback to your opponent?
Give, not press in discussions concerning that, for good reason, as it is accepted to speak, criticism or not. Still there is a term “constructive“ of the critic. The criticism is always a certain assessment, comparison, expectations in relation to you. In this context it is even not important, approve your behavior or not. That you need to do the fact that someone considers to have the right to decide and that is not present, and demands to execute his will, - is attempt of suppression of your personality and your internal freedom.
If to return to birth sources, then the very first system of suppression was your family. Yes, your parents cared for you, but for it you had to fulfill their requirements: there is what they will tell and when they tell. Today psychologists on extent of impact on mentality of the child equate violence in food to sexual violence. What did you hear from mother when you refused food? At first soft arrangements, then persistent requirements, coercion and, of course, criticized you, intimidated and caused sense of guilt:
- Here Petya well eats, he good, and you do not.
- You Will badly eat, you will get sick, you will not go for a walk, you will not look at animated cartoons …
- I so for you tried, prepared, spent time, money, was tired, and to you on me to spit, time you do not eat …
the kindergarten with his “tutors“ and school with her “teachers“ appeared Further. I remember how to me in kindergarten the tutor began to utter, looking at my drawing?
- You what drew? What at you for houses? Where you saw two-storeyed houses? Unless such happen?
And what already to tell about school with its system of estimates and overwhelming adults who consider that they have the right to give an assessment to knowledge, behavior, and have the right to punish.
And further you got a job and now began to criticize you already on the “lawful“ bases, applying to you measures according to your contract and the subordinated situation.
But essence always same: presence of the person who is in power of the arrogance, self-deception, greed and willfulness …
But what to do? How to behave in a criticism situation in relation to you? The first that needs to be made, - it to work the feelings in relation to this person and his statement, otherwise, what would not be undertaken further, feelings will not allow you to work rationally. Not to give the instant emotional answer, really helps to count to 10 - ti. There are also other methods of work applied in offices of psychologists or in support groups.
The second that needs to be made - heartily to forgive this person. It really should be regretted how any sick and defective. The healthy person with clear to positive myshleniye will react positive feedback with respect and sense of humour. Only the unfortunate person can think that he knows something more and better than another. He is not guilty that it does and does not know that he creates. Forgive him, and it will become much better for you!
And the third that should be undertaken in a criticism situation - to express the gratitude. He acted as your teacher who reminded you of humility manifestation, but not arrogance, love, but not rejection and gratitude for everyone a moment of your life … Besides, it is always necessary to remember that any unfair criticism contains rational grain. And surely it is worth paying attention to it, to reflect on this subject and even to discuss with some wise person who will not do you the harm.
Together with Yulia Vasyukova