Management of a family: the most important law of the family relations
how family members in it behave, in the psychological plan is defined how their attitude towards her. It is, maybe, most personified relation from possible as it is transferred to the closest to the person of people - members of his family - the spouse, spouses, children, parents. From them, and, first of all from the informal head of family, how is to them in a family depends. The initial reason of how the person in a family behaves, depends on how other family members and, first of all those whom he considers in it by the main thing, more precisely, the most important for himself the person behave in relation to him. So, if the child main and the most important for himself considers as the person mother, then requirements of the father on whom, generally, existence of a family per se in many respects depends, though in some way will influence it, but, all the same, will be secondary. Most likely, it will build the behavior concerning values, representations and behavior of mother, but not the father.
Respectively if one of members, in this case, the father, considers HIMSELF by the main thing, “the most valuable crew member“, then he, most likely, will be sure that the behavior of other family members has to make a start from its values, ideas of life, requirements, desires and the taken positions. If it does not occur and the child does not submit to it, the conflict situation when someone from family members has to concede, give in to requirements of another, at least and temporarily, or to enter so major confrontation that continuation of his life in a family becomes impossible is formed.
In a family as in small group where a lot of things are under construction on the interpersonal and emotional relations, there can be also such situation that behavior of stronger family members, i.e. their relation to each other can depend and be under construction from a situation in which there is the weakest and helpless family member, for example, the sick child or the parent. And then the family takes some serious steps, say, sharply change the place of residence and work, for the sake of rescue or care of the one who in the physical and material plan entirely depends on them.
Nevertheless, from told above it is possible to formulate the most important law of controllability a modern family where, no, and there cannot be a formal leader, “the chief of a family“: as the member of family treats other family members, and all other family members treat it. If the spouse sincerely is interested in affairs of the partner of an opposite sex, subjects than and as his children are engaged, then, most likely, he will receive from them the corresponding positive feedback, i.e. this good attitude to himself close surely, anyway, will notice. If to it to spit on them, and interest if it is shown, only formal, at the same time cool, and the attitude towards him, at least, over time, will be just the same.
Certainly, a lot of things in the relations in a family and in behavior of her members depend on the informal family leader, is wider - manifestations of a phenomenon of leadership in a family. However it does not disprove our conclusions but only it supplements them. Follows from the fundamental law of the family relations consequences. Perhaps, them can be a little, but we will formulate so far only couple from them.
Consequence 1. As family members treat the member of family, and he treats them.
If for family members the woman is a dishwasher, then and you for it …
the Consequence 2. The relations of family members and their behavior are under construction concerning meanings, the purposes, values, representations and the taken positions of the informal leader of a family at the moment of its development.
So at the first stage when in a family, on the substance of two person, life “to turn“ depending on the one who is loved more (we will tell, the bride). At the second stage from the one who can provide a real survival of a family (for example, the husband). On the third - from the one who is sense of existence of the others with their hope (for example, the small child), on the fourth from those who most of all gave to a family (sick parents), etc. of
we Will emphasize also that in a number of cases, features of behavior of family members and their attitude towards her can be defined not by a personitsfitsirovanny figure of the informal leader, and the personified solutions of a family council. Council of a family as democratic body “decided“, and then his representatives who received “carte blanche“ on implementation of these or those actions control behavior of other family members.
The relation of family members to each other can have valuable and tool character. The valuable relation of family members each other has to prevail. Moreover, it is coded in their expectations and requirements to each other. It is easy to be convinced of it, having got acquainted is closer to the relations of young spouses. Each of them, in principle, wants that it was loved just like that, for anything: neither for beauty, nor for age, nor material prosperity, nor for the status, etc., just for the fact that it is exists in this world and already one fact of the existence is of absolute value. The child, he realizes it or not, too wants that parents, grandmothers and grandfathers, brothers and sisters, accepted it it what is. At the same time, in relation to others at the family member it can be coded, just not the valuable, but tool relation, of course, not always accurately realized. The girl sincerely thinks that she marries darling, and the persons observing it from outside see that she is interested in the perspective careerist capable to provide her financial position in the future, change of the status on more favorable, a good health of the elect, etc. Who is right?
A paradigm “the valuable relation - the tool relation“ can create and creates a certain psychological distance between family members - “I and he (she)“, “we and they“, “parents and children“, “younger and senior“, etc. It seems to one (for example, to grandmothers and grandfathers) that they accept others, such as is, and those, on the contrary, look for from them some benefit and vice versa. In this opposition which is not difficult for finding in life of any family and the major is covered morally - psychological sense of its controllability. Without treating family members as to absolute value, it is difficult to influence them, to achieve the acceptable relation and behavior. On the other hand it is difficult to achieve, without satisfying their tool requirements. For example, the husband realizes that the wife wants that he provided material prosperity in a family and, in principle, recognizes this requirement which is tool. But if at the same time the valuable relation, i.e. absolute, bezotsenochny acceptance is not shown it, it will strongly make the life of it its internal psychological miserable, and subsequently, most likely, and the relations between spouses, will negatively affect his behavior in a family: “I to you that, the car for earnings?“ The same and the woman controlling a household will hardly want to be “the dumb dishwasher“.
Reflect how you will behave when the spouse (a) treats you tsennostno, bezotsenochno, accepts it what you are. It is obvious that, most likely you will “pay“ the partner in the same: to please him, to facilitate to him family efforts, to rejoice to its progress, to support in difficult days and hours. Speaking to psychological language, such type of the relation provides to a family the future, opens motivational resources of family members, interests them to be put in its development.
Now reflect how you will behave when demand from you only money, material prosperity, excellent food, purity, obedient children and generous parents. It is obvious that such relation “extinguishes“, and even completely destroys the confidential relations in a family, their warmth, proximity, a spontaneity, closes close people from each other, generates alienation and coldness. In psychological sense of prospects for a family such type of the relations almost does not leave, it blocks interest of family members in its development, promotes developing of various motivational pathologies and degradation there.
We watch drawing. The model B shows prospects of development of a family, model A - its gradual degradation and destructions
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