How to improve the relations in a family?
In article about how to keep a family, we stopped on the statement that our negative feelings on the relation to each other create a huge obstacle to proximity in every sense and to the constructive solution of the arising problems. But from where in us there are this most more negative than feeling of anger, fear, fault and so forth?
There is such concept as arrogance. In Christianity the arrogance is designated as one of seven human sins. If atheists, psychologists and especially doctors do not like this term - use other words, for example, an egocentrism. The phenomenon essence from it does not change. It is told about such way of thinking when I put myself in the center of the world, and I judge all events “from the belltower“, it agrees to the “only correct“ to idea of the world. Besides own system of values, also in the head the satisfaction of own requirements and interests is put, it is frequent due to ignoring of requirements of people around.
When I am angry with someone, it speaks about my arrogance (egocentrism). It means that I see words and actions of another wrong, I condemn him for it and I begin to take reciprocal actions to force it to speak and to do what I consider it necessary.
There is such professional “sokratovsky“ joke. To the family psychotherapist conducting reception in an office at home the woman who complains of behavior of the husband comes.
- Yes, you are right, - the psychotherapist comments on her statements. At this time the wife of the psychotherapist brings tea and hears these words.
Next day the husband of this woman who also began to make to her a claim came.
- you are absolutely right, - his wife hears words of the psychotherapist again.
After a session his wife approaches the psychotherapist and is indignant:
- As you can say to both the wife, and the husband that they are right, they told absolutely opposite things?
- And you are right, my dear, - she heard in reply.
The principle that in a family everyone is right, is the cornerstone of the constructive solution of the conflict. Otherwise I say that the opinion of each family member is important. All affairs are that not everyone can be respectful to it. In psychotherapeutic groups there is one of working conditions: experience of everyone is valuable.
If to return to a situation with dirty ware, then instead of research of how the husband sees this situations and statements of own relation to it (notice, statements, but not charges), the wife, taking an egocentric position of the ultimate truth in advance, brings down on it squall of indignation. The husband at the same time can behave somehow: it can continue to lie on a sofa and to tell nothing, can begin to be protected and justify itself, and can carry out reciprocal attack. It does not matter any more. The position of own correctness of the wife does not give both choice of a constructive solution. Just does not give!
What to do with arrogance (egocentrism) when it disturbs the relations with relatives? Anything special. Though as practice shows, for many it is very difficult and for which - who also in general is impossible. Just every time when I am angry with someone, needs to be asked myself:
- What line of my character causes in me these feelings now?
- Why, actually, I do not grant the right to arrive to it thus?
- What will occur if I now as usual show discontent?
- What I can make in a different way now?
Perhaps after that you will be able to agree who, in what time and how will often wash the dishes?))
Yulia Vasyukova, you?