What to do to keep a family?
If ask me about what needs to be done to keep a family, then I usually clear up the next moments:
- What means to you “to keep a family“?
- For what to you needs to keep a family?
- What good is that you keep a family?
- What minuses in your life will follow it?
- What outweighs?
In that case when the person, having answered itself all these questions, comes to the conscious conclusion that he is ready to take certain steps for preservation of the family, then we continue to work on how it is possible to achieve these objectives.
So, the family always consists at least of two partners: husband and wife. Further it is necessary to clear and what your husband or your wife in the circumstances wants? Whether your partner is ready to help you with it? If he or she already solved for themselves to leave you, and do not see sense in work on preservation of the relations, then there is hardly a sense to spend time and forces for nothing.
If your partner is ready to participate in business of preservation of a family, then we invite him to work too. If he considers that a problem not in it or the fact that he does not see any problem at all, then we work with one person because change of functioning of one link in structure of system, changes all system.
The following stage of family psychological consultation consists in the formulation of a problem. As a rule, the person cannot accurately formulate at once what he suffers from in family and why, eventually, the relations collapse. For example, the wife comes, and her image situations is reduced to the fact that the husband behaves not as she expects from it, and asks to teach what it needs to do that he behaved in a “appropriate“ way. In other words, the problem that it does it and does not do that. And the inquiry to the psychologist, respectively, looks so: “Make so that did that and did not do it“.
The most difficult task for the wife to understand in what her difficulty? How what is done by the husband influences her and the relations in general? How it reacts to his behavior? In other words, what its personal role in the events? An axiom in the world of the relations is as follows: I cannot change other person, but I can change myself and the relation to the events. In this sense beautifully and precisely the statement sounds: “Rescue yourself, and then around you other people will escape“.
I will give such example. The young woman expresses offense on the husband on the fact that he helps it about the house a little, and on this soil often there are conflicts in a family. I ask to describe a conflict emergence situation what everything begins with?
- Well, I come home and I see dirty ware in a sink, and it lies on a sofa, and in the refrigerator there is nothing, to shop did not go.
- What you at the same time do?
- I Wash the dishes and I prepare from what is.
- And what occurred between two these events? You began to wash the dishes at once? there is no
- I at first told, to it that again in a sink ware.
- And how you told? What tone? Where it was?
- Well, in the room on a sofa.
- And you?
- In kitchen.
- That is you did not even see it?
- Well, I shouted that again the dishes are not washed that it rolls and does nothing how many it is already possible to scoff so, and still something, I do not remember what …
That is, present a picture, the beloved wife comes home and all this stream of feelings pours out on the husband.
The most important problem of all families is that the husband and the wife cannot agree among themselves upon that simple reason that squall of negative emotions and feelings on the relation of each other prevents them to hear other person. Everyone considers that it is right, without seeing the behavior from outside. In series “Voronin“ on STS in which widespread types of family interaction are very accurately shown there is an episode when the husband Kostya decided to write down the wife`s remarks on a dictophone. When she heard herself from outside, it brought her into shock as its image of contradicted what it was in reality.
Therefore the following step to preservation of a family is an address to itself, honest introspection of that and how I look actually in our relations and how I can change myself that our relations changed?
Together with Yulia Vasyukova