“Beats - means loves?“
From the series “Between Us, Psychologists“
Position in Russia still pass a saying From father to son: “Beats - means loves!“. It hears the young woman, sometimes and the girl from the girlfriend, mother, the grandmother when it takes courage to tell about it. Absurdity and irrationality of such statement does not maintain any criticism.
Such behavior of the man the fact that if he was indifferent, then would not beat comes true. And here, say, loves, and in what a way! But what you will tell about the person who intentionally inflicts pain and suffering on object of love? At least the fact that it has deviations in mentality. If at me everything is all right with the head, then I do not begin to destroy what I love.
So moves this person not love at all. But what then happens to it? And what objectives he wants to achieve through drawing a beating? Behind anger which arises in his soul there is a fear. It can be fear of loss of the power and control over the woman, fear of the fact that it suddenly can cease to submit to it and to enter into the relations with other man. Usually such state is tested by diffident, unripe, infantile men. They hide the helplessness behind a mask of force and suppression.
But what forces to be silent the woman about such family violence? Same fear. Fear that will condemn her and will justify behavior of the husband, fear that the law will not protect her. Fear that after the statements it and her children will suffer even more. And the most sad in this situation what in most cases and occurs because traditionally in the Russian society the woman is discriminated by men, both in professional, and in personal aspect.
Besides, an infantile man`s position as the woman is made by the nature genotipichesk, physically and mentally much stronger and hardy, than male individual. To argue with it is all the same what to claim that stars are the planets reflecting a sunlight (I heard this statement from the man recently).
If the woman complains of behavior of the husband to the relatives, then speak to her: “Itself it is guilty, do not provoke“. Well, and how our legislation which is urged to protect the rights of citizens? Most of the women testing family violence on own experience know that the law too not on their party. It is, but it does not work. In - the first, nobody will arrive if you call the police and explain it with the fact that you are beaten by the husband. Will arrive only in that, a case if there is a corpse, and employees of police so and speaks about it. And how you imagine it, to call the police during drawing a beating? Who will give - it to make-? To provoke that absolutely hammered?
Even if the woman will bring the application to the police, and will collect all proofs of fault, then it should bear administrative or criminal responsibility. The law such is that the woman will suffer after that, besides. Will punish itself as the husband will pay a penalty from the general family budget and if to put him, the family, as usual, loses the supporter who will sometime go out of prison and what will make first of all? Probably again will show, his love will be how strong … Igor
Position the Modern man hardly to be proud of
of the fact that beat the woman. And even not because he will be condemned, at least, by a rumor. And not because to be proud there is actually, actually, nothing. Most of the Russian men, at least, city is simple, are brought up so that the violence over the woman is considered a taboo, an act extremely ugly, dishonourable, unseemly. In fifty years of life never heard that someone publicly admitted that he beats the wife or the girlfriend. But such I know cases. Moreover, quite often a beating is an address occasion … men in psychological consultation. Pier: “Sinned. Help, I do not know itself how before reached!“. Some as Philip Kirkorov, speak, go further away, and address psychiatrists))). Certainly, here for the analysis I do not take behavior of men in asocial families, criminal offenses, etc. There all is visible also without psychologists.
The man beats, of course, not because loves but because he exhausted all other levers for the second half. Most often, in a condition of sincere nervousness, without controlling the behavior and hardly realizing what does. I know a bright case when the woman specially tried to obtain it, seeking to put to the husband who got a serious petty intrigue on the party, the maximum loss on reputation. Eventually, she achieved it, submitted the application for it and already savoured “fruits“ of future victory, but everything ended with “zilch“ as the lawyer of the defendant initiated submission of the statement of reply where as the witness of provocation of the wife his mistress was attracted …. Here and so, by the way, our favourite lawyers work … If cases of a beating are single
, have no obvious pathological character, then they testify to psychological and social immaturity of a family and the inhabitants “inhabiting“ it who see a situation only on the one hand, rigidly adhere to one image and a line of conduct, do not know, and do not want to know how to make it otherwise. In a row a case, especially advanced individuals call the family scandal with a good fight “a stress - therapy“ then there comes “the calm, a smooth surface and grace“, that is paradise. And all this moves, nearly for psychological opening: filled each other muzzles (women, believe, do not lag behind too!) merged four washing machines of emotions, and now there came the temporary enlightenment. More precisely, calm before a storm, the problem is all the same not solved, and will have an effect soon.
I agree with Yulia that psychology of an act of the man beating the woman psychological infantilism is the cornerstone of it. However the truth is also that it beats the same woman infantile psychologically who, in fact, on it “wanted to spit“, i.e. it is not considered at all with anything that can surround, disturb, disturb him. The main thing to draw an own line, and “the man will manage“, and all are equal in love. At the same time some ladies are also proud of it, claiming that “I live emotions, I have no head!“. I quote a source! So, whose … However, we have a professional dialogue therefore at the end it is only possible to declare one: society neglected family life, here and receive - undersign!))
Together with Yulia Vasyukova