How to support the person in a grief of
there is what unites all people of Earth without exception - it is death. All of us will sometime die. No, it is not pessimism, not conversation on senselessness of life. I want to tell that several times in life each person or itself lost close people, or his family, acquaintances. It is regularity. Everyone should or endure a grief from death of dear people, or to give support to relatives.
Me the address of one woman induced to write article: “At my acquaintance the loved one died recently, I want to support her, but I do not know as...“
my first thought was sharp that if you do not know as, then it is better in any way, than to try to make it ineptly. I time observed how some types of “support“ just finished people, did to them only more sick, put a deep wound on a soul body. About it I will in more detail write below.
Well and still the moment happens, but is sure, it does not concern to you, dear readers. When under the auspices of support and the help in a difficult situation, other people give help to show the relevancy, to show that they are careful, to prove that they not such bad as others think of it etc. So to speak to glorify itself and to show the nobility. I.e. it is necessary to answer a question “Why to you it is necessary? What moves you?“.
How the interior, enduring a grief is arranged?
At first loss is denied. It is not believed that the person died. Shock, catalepsy. Gradual understanding of loss lets in severe pain soul. At heart it becomes burdensome. You try to realize that occurred, and tears drive to eyes.
The person can be in the changed condition of consciousness, have feeling of unreality. As one friend was expressed, remembering an episode from the moment of receiving news of death to a funeral: “Everything happened as though not to me. Promptly. As though you are not a participant of events, and around you the scene of actions is developed. As though you watch a dream as though you watch the movie in the hall“.
Often the person is entirely covered by sense of guilt from - for what he did not make for the dead of the fact that he could make.
“It was necessary not to go to have a rest on the dacha, and to go to the father. Then it, maybe, would live still at least year - I would bring it to hospital...“ - one man mourned the father.
Sense of guilt can develop into self-flagellation. And the person will not give himself forgiveness.
One woman, told about death of the newborn child: “I hate myself for treachery. I gave birth to the girl, she had heart diseases, two weeks of reanimation. We with the husband went to it every day. My parents asked me to take a break to have a rest, to go at least one day. All of us equally went. But here on 14 - y day, in revival, I do not know why, but I gave in on arrangements of parents and persuaded the husband not to go... We knew that the end of her life here - here will come, and I do such nonsense - we do not go to it. Next day we come in the morning, and the doctor says to us that your child died... I know that this treachery... Terribly to speak to someone about it...“
of People tries to understand, comprehend an event. Asks questions: “How to be? Why life is so unfair? For what such destiny?“.
The person already knows that not to return the dead, but surrounding things remind of him and as though revive. The translucent image of the dead appears again and again nearby. From words of mother who lost the daughter: “Its image, and a voice, also began to smell, and favourite things near me. I lack it very much. Is not enough its ringing wailing, the understanding eyes, support and all that was and as was“
And I once after death of the grandfather when gathered for work, saw the boots which it repaired. Memories of its kind relation, care of joint fishing, joint lunches, joint tea drinking as in the childhood I made a dinner for it gushed, set the table as he joked... Memories of the past faced in the present loss understanding. Faced irreconcilably and caused tears in the eyes.
After loss the person wants to do nothing. There is no wish to see people. There is no wish to come to work. Against death close the current cares, talk of people seem senseless and insignificant.
Everything falls and it is difficult to realize and as as will be farther... Those relations and communications which the person had with the dead - now they any more any more will never be.
How it is impossible to support in a grief?
“Do not cannot stop tears, and that you will die“. I think, comments are not necessary here. To the person it is insufferably heavy, and he is finished fear.
“Do not roar... It is necessary to be concentrated“. And how not to roar? In it is that and an essence of a grief that it needs to be worried. To you it is not necessary neither constrain tears, nor to condemn for tears of grieving. Such support is deprived of sense also because it is impossible to hold attention concentrated. It is a request about impossible. And when speak it “is necessary“, to the person can become even worse that he cannot just be concentrated now and whether here you see it “is necessary“.
“Wons, at Ivan Ivanovich the wife died too... And it was younger...“. Comparisons with others too not absolutely approach. Ivan Ivanovich had that. And now loss at me. That grief did not concern me, did not touch. Mental anguish in that and this case incomparable for enduring a grief.
“Get it together“. Hackneyed phrase. And this phrase does only worse. Well not in a condition of people, mourning the dead to get it together. And when we about it ask it, and he cannot make it - from it to it it becomes even worse.
“Your feelings are familiar to me“. Not really successful phrase. We cannot know in accuracy that other person feels. Because each person is unique and unique and therefore that we never had that relationship with the dead which he had.
“God takes away only the best“. And follows from this phrase that remained to live on the earth, only those who are worse who is not so good in the opinion of God including the one who mourns the dead now. So whether it turns out?
“Well died and died that now“. In this phrase full ignoring of feelings of the person is put. In the opinion of the person enduring a grief, the death is an accident. And say to it that it so-so, an ordinary thing. According to the UN every second in the world 2 persons, daily - 160 thousand people, annually - 60 million people die. The death - can be in general - the phenomenon both frequent, and ordinary, but not for that single person who endures a grief now.
And still. Once again you should not climb with the participation to the one who endures a grief. At the person who lost close warmth in the relations with other people can disappear. He can talk to irritation and hostility. It can ask not to touch it and to leave alone, even when you show warmth and care.
How it is possible to support in a grief?
“Only God can know everything and to provide everything, you not God“. This phrase can help people who blame themselves strongly and fall into self-flagellation.
“I do not represent that I would do on your place, just I do not represent that you feel now“. Here we emphasize courage and strength of the person who copes with a grief, we admire its firmness. Unlike the phrase “Get it together“ which we finish the person.
It is simple to stay near the person. To sit silently nearby. It is possible to see on a funeral when people come to the house of the dead, gather and sit there. Words are not obligatory. Simple presence of other people works very well.
It is simple to allow to talk about the dead, about causes of death. To ask on what he liked to do to whom it was similar. To show interest in past life.
To embrace and allow the person to have a good cry. Little still so can help how to support the person by a touch, embrace. To accept it with his tears. To listen to the speech about its feelings, about memoirs.
It is not necessary to worry from - for long silence and to seek to fill silence with words. It is possible just to keep silent nearby.
The sense of a grief consists in that the image of the dead became our memory of it. All that good that was during his life, will remain in our memoirs after his death and will be in our heart.