Where to look for the shyness reasons?
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One of ways of work on shyness is understanding of its reasons. understanding of that from where shyness roots grow helps to Overcome shyness to the person often. The task of the psychologist is also and in helping the client to realize where that turning point in its destiny when it from the sociable good-natured person curtailed on other way and became closed, unsociable.
Character of the relations between the person and other people gains from - for shyness such properties from which it is hardly possible to call life full, saturated, joyful.
As Philip Zimbardo in the remarkable book “How to Overcome Shyness“ wrote:
To be timid - means to be afraid of people, especially those people who for any of several reasons negatively influence your emotions:
- strangers (it is unknown that it is possible to expect from them);
- of chiefs (they possess the power);
- of representatives of an opposite sex (they bring on mind of thought of possible rapprochement).
Further I will give examples of three options of shyness and I will describe their reasons which became clear as a result of work with clients.
So, fear of strangers. How it can be created?
in the course of communication one client who complained of loneliness that it has few friends, remembered an episode from the childhood. As he said, this episode explains the reasons of his fear before new, strangers.
Here that it told: “I studied in initial classes, 2 - y or 3 - y. Winter. Stayed with the grandmother in the settlement. Went to ride the sledge from a hill. One. Nearby other children rode. I went to them. Got to talking. Began to ride together. Then they became, on those who slide down on the sledge, to throw pieces of ice. On me. It was not pleasant to me, It was sick and told them about it directly. They were indignant, che I supposedly am indignant. They also each other same rush though I saw that in each other not pieces of ice, but snowballs it is less than the size. Then a fight began. In private. Plus all of them were against me, and put pressure, called, threatened. When we fought with another in private, someone from their company, threw pieces of ice to me in a back. I could not evade because it was busy with a fight. Loafed about. Beat each other in the case. Then I saw that a fight dishonest. Also escaped with a shame. Came home. Burst into tears. Told that offended. Mother ran to understand, and there already was nobody.“
This event also became turn from a way of openness and sociability on the way of isolation and fear of strangers. Unfamiliar boys were hooligans. And now each stranger in consciousness of my client represented potential threat. And these beliefs were confirmed repeatedly when he stayed in the village. That in the winter, strangers will destroy the snow fortress which it hardly built, on his eyes. That rural boys will try to catch it, threatening with punishment.
Now, of course, he already reason understands that not all people dangerous, and those cases of danger should not be transferred to all people without exception. But then, in the children`s head, on only one episode a resistant conclusion that from each stranger threat proceeds was created.
Now how fear of chiefs can be created?
Other client, terribly was afraid of chiefs. The chief`s position is higher, the fear is more.
“Before chiefs I have to be afraid, has to tremble an otstrakha“ - he said. From where undertook? Here already the role was played by all family of the young man.
This young man in the childhood visited mother at work and saw her behavior before the chief. She with girlfriends it was afraid, hid, girlfriends did not leave an office when the CEO came to their territory. And when the chief left, all employees breathed sigh of relief, laughed that carried by a pier.
So he also understood that it is necessary to be careful of chiefs though itself at that moment did not feel fear at all. But, as they say, absorbed fear of chiefs with mother`s milk.
Parents constantly edified it: “Be with chiefs more carefully“. Not that do not talk smut the chief. … Not because it is necessary to perform tasks qualitatively, and izpod sticks, for fear of punishment, dismissal. The grandfather with the grandmother cemented fear of chiefs, speaking: “You do not know yet what people are. People are dangerous, they cannot be trusted. Be careful and do not tell superfluous.“.
Now how fear can be created by peredpredstavitel of an opposite sex?
Other client, complained that he is afraid of women and at him nothing leaves in the relations with women, can meet and fall in love with that only in any way. He terribly quails only from one thought of somehow to approach the woman, to go on a date. By 25 years it never had a sex.
As it became clear, to all the relations with mother were the cause. In the 3rd class he invited on a visit to himself girls of schoolmates home. When mother came from work, she expelled girls, and to my client let know that that any more never to the house of girls drove.
Since school times mother constantly said to it that all women are artful and they need only money and the apartment. “All women are silly women. Women prevent career. Never women it will be better than mother.“ - were one of the most frequent phrases which he heard from mother.
There is his story: “I have a fear that if the girl is not pleasant to mother, it is accident, I will not be able to live with it. There is a fear that mother will not approve my choice. There is a fear that mother will take offense to the fact that I found the girl and live with her, but not with mother. Something sits there in the head and connects, puts the relations with girls with the relations with mother into dependence. There is a fear that the relations with girls are a change of mother. I tell and uzhasayusskolko all gets out!“ He remembered
school days when mother saw it with the girl whom it met, and then spoke to it: “There is a horse, clung to my sweet!“. And then warned him and edified: “You will eat on excursion with it anywhere do not retire. And that you never know will think, understood?!“
Here so, imperceptibly, maternal love turned into a big problem. And now the young man feels guilty that he does not meet the standards inspired by mother. To him it is very painful at heart from what works not at the desires, not because stremitsyako to a meeting with women but because it is necessary to meet standards and installations which adopted from mother: it is impossible to get acquainted on the street, it is impossible to invite girls home, a lot of things is impossible another … Then during our meetings of the young man suddenly dawned on
, he understood what he loses from - for shyness: “Pancake, in general punched me now! I lose fine pleasures, fine opportunities to have relations with girls, women“.
Still I want to remind that the inner world of the timid person is similar to hell.
One young man by the name of Nazarbychik who addressed me for consultation expressed as verses what is created in soul of the timid person.
From the literary point of view I do not undertake to estimate poems. From the point of view of the psychologist, in my opinion, anguish of the timid person are very fine reflected: the otdelyonnost and fear of them, a habit to be lonely and on the automatic machine also to move away from other people, closeness, difficulty to share the feelings, desire to be with people and impossibility of it from - for shyness, a despair, passivity, absence of belief that something can be corrected and changed, uncertainty in themselves.
In hand fetters, on lips the lock.
I is even difficult to make to me a call.
I Run and I hide from all the look,
I everything so pulls to drink this poison.
I cannot talk about anything
Among people. to open
I of feeling to me it is painful, it is difficult for
I to speak I love.
But there is a wish to be part of the world
I at last to run the show,
But all one to me is whispered by lira.
Ya is lonely, I am an outcast.
My destiny is now known, this river to me not to cross
Is time to admit only honestly,
I need only to live.
To live, realizing that you will not be able to Correct
what is created by destiny. What
a reason to be deceived by lie,
What something is solved you here?
There is no hope, there were only dreams,
of Dream of what will never come true.
I an exit is, perhaps, only in prose, there is no
In real life not a stiver.
You can not worry about Nazar. Now onshag behind a step gets out of a shyness shell. In one letter he wrote: “Long ago I did not feel such high spirits. At last, I do, I try to do that I want! And it is the hell healthy!“
Thus, the reasons of shyness look for in the childhood, in unsuccessful experience of relationship with other people.