Whether correctly I understand … or how to understand other person of
Supervision over people in usual life and during psychological consultations led me to one conclusion. If people sought to understand each other, then many-many difficulties would manage to be avoided.
The main tool to understand, experience a condition of other person, to see his inner world, to see world around his eyes and to transfer the of understanding, is the empathy.
Empathy researchers find concept roots in philosophy of the XVIII-XX centuries: from Smith, Spencer, Schopenhauer`s ethical systems before justification of the understanding Diltey`s psychology, Gusserl`s phenomenology, Lipps`s esthetics. (All - everything, abstruse words I stop using. To whom it is interesting, you can find in the Internet scientific articles about Vasilyuk F. E. empathy., Karyagina T. D., Gippenreyter Yu. B.)
Initially the concept of empathy was not. There were concepts sympathy and a vchuvstvovaniye. At the beginning of the 20th century the concept of empathy appeared and especially widely it developed in the middle of the 20th century, and is connected with activity of the outstanding American psychologist Karl Rogers.
As Rogers wrote, the empathy means “to enter the personal world of another and in to be mute as at home. It means to be sensitive to changes, continuously occurring in other person …. It means temporary residence of life of another, advance in it is careful, thin, without judgment of what another hardly realizes … As though you become this another, but without loss of feeling “as though“.
I most of all like such definition.
The empathy is an ability to see the world from the point of view of other person.
It is fine. With the theory we will finish, we will pass to practice. I will give one phrase below. Please, stop after its reading, do not look further in the text and answer yourself the question “As If You Reacted to This Phrase?“.
We will assume you met the girlfriend and she speaks to you:
“Yesterday I flared up, without having thought, told to the chief a heap of mucks. There passed some time, I calmed down and to me it is very inconvenient.“
So that you responded to such phrase?
I will make the assumption that you gave in to one of temptations.
Temptation to give an assessment, that is to agree or not.
For example, such answers to this phrase as “Well and correctly made that flared up, in general it was necessary to take it and to pour out a vase with water on the head.“, “You that how you could, unless it is so possible with the chief?“, “Yes … You did affairs! “, “Yes your chief the gibbering idiot, it is known to all for a long time“.
Temptation to extort , that is to ask questions, proceeding from our system of values, which it can be inappropriate in this situation.
“And what you told it?“, “And he shouted at you? If did not shout, then everything is normal, will not dismiss.“
Temptation to give advice, that is we give a heap of councils proceeding from personal experience, without asking a question and whether this council is necessary now. / LI]
“Well you give it a gift, buy good cognac and apologize“, “All right, hammer, relax, descend on massage and then watch film“.
Temptation to interpret , that is we try to get to the core, explain these or those motives of the person, acts, proceeding from own motives and acts. Especially those who got acquainted with psychology, self-development a little, read books on this subject “like“ to be engaged in interpretation.
“You know it why? It because you in the childhood were unfairly reproached by parents with what you did not do, now that without understanding and on the chief you snatch“, “It from the fact that you had no sex long ago, here you also flared up. The man it is necessary to you!“.
Temptation to switch to discussion of other people, but not experiences of the person who near us. Temptation to make the diagnosis. The temptation to tower over other person, to get into the role of the wise aged man a lot of seen in life and to feel stronger, than the person to whom it is talked. And others.
That is we give in to temptation not to understand the person, not to listen to it, and to impose the last experience, to be guided by the biography, on the knowledge, the principles and the outlook in its situation. we do not try to see the world as other person sees it.
Standard ways of reaction, generate misunderstanding.
I will provide the letter of one woman:
“I want to cry every day, the family does not understand me but only they press on me even more.
I already just do not know what to do to me and as … to be so bad never from powerlessness before it just was there is a wish to shout and cry …
Ya tried to reach them to talk but they as though do not hear and do not see that to me badly even my young man does not support me and only finishes the claims and reproaches … so it turned out that I have small problems with health and is necessary to be examined and when sat already at an office of the doctor mother thought of that as if quicker to be in time at the right time in a parikmakherska, but not that will tell me the doctor and without having listened to the end of the diagnosis it just left because to it called and told that approached time“
How to develop in themselves ability to understand other people? I Will tell
, as usual train empathy, and then I will describe the ideal empatichesky phrase.
Stephen Kovi in the well-known book “7 skills of highly effective people“ (5 - y from 7 - and skills) will allocate with separate point the following: “Try to understand at first, and then to be a witness“. He writes that the extremely important tool in understanding of other person is an empathy. In the same place advises also several receptions for development of empathy.
So, as usual learn to respond to the phrase of our girlfriend “Yesterday I flared up, without having thought, told to the chief a heap of mucks. There passed some time, I calmed down and to me it is very inconvenient.“
1. Repetition. In our example we would answer the girlfriend: “You told to the chief a heap of mucks.“
2. Rephrasing. we Speak most too, but in other words. “You stated to the chief many impartial words.“
3. Reflection of feelings. we Say about what is felt by the person. “You are angry?“
4. Rephrasing and reflection of feelings. Combination of the second and third ways. “You stated to the chief many impartial words and is angry after yesterday`s?“
, it seems, everything is good. Yes not all.
the First two ways can often cause irritation or bewilderment in people.
Speak to you: “Oh, I spilled compote on trousers“. You answer: “Oh, you spilled compote on trousers“. Speak to you: “I am ready to beat it“. You answer: “You are ready to beat it“. And after that beat you. :) And it is natural. Why you repeat as parrots after the person?
Probably, you also often noticed that simple senseless rephrasing - not enough what advantage gives … With reflection of feelings already best of all leaves. But everything is not so simple too as it seems at first sight.
I will provide a little expanded and profound, more universal scheme of ladies for understanding of other person. Psychologists in the work use this scheme. And in usual life she helps to improve the relations. The ideal empatichesky phrase consists of 7 elements.
Whether “Correctly I understand that you as the respectable worker feel guilty for the irascibility before the chief?“
the Same phrase which is spread out to elements:
1. Whether correctly I understand that (The first element, the conditional name “Whether Correctly I Understand“)
2. You as respectable worker (Role)
of 3. you feel (A kind of experience)
4. to wine (Experience)
5. for (communication)
of 6. the irascibility (subject)
of 7. before the chief (someone another)
the First element - whether is the phrase “Correctly I understand …“
Such phrase warns us against temptations to give an assessment, to nadavat councils, to interpret, make the diagnosis, saves from a categoriality in the judgments.
whether the Phrase “Correctly I understand“ we emphasize that our interlocutor becomes the initiator of clearing of a situation. We invite the person to that he told in more detail if we failed to hear something or that he sounded that he did not tell.
whether the Phrase “Correctly I understand“ blocks our desire to give a heap of different councils, manuals, the mind to rise up over other person. We clean desires to be such advisers - mentors to amuse vanity. Same it is pleasant to others to give advice when someone is helpless, and you on its place as now you see from outside, easily could “settle“ this situation.
whether the Phrase “Correctly I understand“ we structure the relations and we occupy a supporting role in dialogue, a role of the listener. To understand other person, we have to listen to him. And such position to other person, our interlocutor, allows to feel that he is tried to be understood and he hears himself more clearly. Sometimes even one this phrase have already enough
to improve the relations with other person. Whether say “Correctly I understand?“ and to the person it becomes easier. He thinks: “Oh! Someone tries to understand me! Miracles and only!“ this phrase irritates with
of Some. Teach it on trainings on communications, negotiations. For some it is used already up.
Of course if whether to begin each phrase with “correctly I understand“, then on 5 - y time it can cause irritation in whom - it is necessary.
There are also other options for the first element of the empatichesky phrase: Whether “Truly I understood“, “You want to tell …“, “Perhaps I am mistaken, but it seemed to me that you …“, “If I correctly understood, then …“, “In other words …“, “As I heard, can be I am mistaken, then you will correct me …“.
Moreover, this phrase can not be in the speech. Important not that you pronounce these words, and from what position you communicate with the person.
Sense of empathy not in correctly to pick up and pronounce words. The sense of empathy is in vchuvstvovatsya in a condition of another, to see the world his eyes. If we communicate from such position that we do not make diagnoses, we do not try to explain or nadavat a heap of councils, we admit the fact that my experience and outlook differ from experience and outlook of other person whether then and the phrase “Correctly I understand“ it is possible not to say.
Not the phrase, not letters in the phrase, and spirit which is put in your words is important.
We will discuss other elements of the ideal empatichesky phrase in the article “Whether Correctly I Understand … or a Secret Weapon of the Psychologist“.