Whether correctly I understand … or a secret weapon of the psychologist
In the previous article “Whether Correctly I Understand … or how to Understand Other Person“ we made the ideal empatichesky phrase on such remark:
“Yesterday I flared up, without having thought, told to the chief a heap of mucks. There passed some time, I calmed down and to me it is very inconvenient.“
the Secret all in that to vchuvstvovatsya in a condition of other person, to see the world his eyes and to transfer it the understanding its situation.
The ideal empatichesky phrase has 7 elements:
1. Whether correctly I understand that (the first element, the conditional name “Whether Correctly I Understand“)
2. You as respectable worker (role)
3. you feel (a kind of experience)
4. to wine (experience)
5. for (communication)
6. the irascibility (subject)
7. before the chief (someone another)
Practically all previous article is devoted to the first element, its sense, its spirit. Now we will pass to the following elements.
The second element is a Role.
It is one of roles of the person. Now I as the psychologist, the author of article. You now - readers. This afternoon you were either students, or the staff of firm. Evening of the house or during week-end you will be or as the father, mother, the daughter, the son. At stadium in the stands we as fans, the football player in the field - as the team player.
If to present human life in the form of a circle, then in this circle there will be a set of other circles - its roles.
What gives allocation in the phrase of a role of the person, his form?
We try to understand in what sphere of human life this feeling appears. Designating this role words, it turns out that we and to it help to understand better.
When to the person it is bad at heart, he can tie this feeling in general to all life. What is called, to make a mountain out of a molehill. We, allocating a role, we show that this sense of guilt belongs not to all life but only to one of its parts. Our girlfriend is in a role of the decent worker, having sense of guilt.
When I have not all life wrong way but only one its part, somehow it is already possible to live and master it.
The third element - a kind of experience.
It is an auxiliary element which describes, measures feelings in different parameters.
We in general endure differently . Someone is crowded with sense of guilt, someone is penetrated by sense of guilt, and someone is covered, scolds. When it is possible to get used to an image of the person and that is called to feel skin, to understand how he worries, it powerfully advances establishing contact, the relations.
the Feeling can be different quality: pressing, dizzy, shrill or even silly. Our girlfriend quite could tell that she feels some silly guilty, expressing thereby and the relation to a svoyemuchuvstvo.
the Feeling can be different in force: sharp, strong, weak …
to Feeling can give to a different assessment: perhaps or not to control it (not constrained pleasure, for example), perhaps or not to suffer (intolerable mental anguish), it is possible or not it to
is surprising to be expressed (inexpressible grief) , but trying to understand another, somehow by itself so it turns out that we help and it is better for it to understand himself and to accept in itself some feelings, not to deny them.
Naming of all these details describing feelings allow to create emotional contact quicker.
The description of a kind of feelings can be compared to the description of clothes. One business I will tell that I have a shirt. Absolutely another that I have a linen shirt of lilac color with a short sleeve and one pocket on the left side.
The fourth element - experience, experience designation.
It is the central element of all empatichesky phrase. We give feeling the name.
Sometimes it is enough to tell only this element of the empatichesky phrase, and it will be already very much cool! the Student speaks: “The devil, soon in examination, and it is so much not learned …“. On it it is possible just to tell: “you are anxious?“.
When we communicated with one guy, the most important role was played that correctly called his experience. He told about difficulties at work, and I asked him.
- You are afraid not to make a new task?
- Well is it that I endure …
- Are afraid that you will be dismissed?
- Well though in principle I to myself would always find good work.
- you Doubt the forces or it is not self-assured?
- Yes, yes … is uncertainty in itself, in the abilities … You precisely called this feeling. the Guy with relief made by
a deep exhalation. During that instant when the feeling was given the name - it became much easier. Until to feeling it is named, we with it are completely merged, inseparable with it.
A big difference when the person himself names the feeling and when this name receives feeling in communication with someone by another. At this moment the feeling admits significant including socially.
The empathy does not mean that you are obliged to be solidary with feelings of other person or with his beliefs. But you grant thereby the right and space to the person for his own feelings.
was Told by one friend.
Was on holiday with the girlfriend. The budget was precisely calculated, and the girlfriend moved in expensive cafe. When I sat strained in cafe, my friend speaks supposedly well you sit such? You were upset from - that the price appeared more, than you counted? I speak: “Well.“ And tension everything directly descended, I relaxed, to me it became good.
What happened in cafe? The girlfriend called its feeling. He also knew that he is afflicted. But when told it about it the girlfriend that he is afflicted from - that the prices in cafe were too big, he ceased to be ashamed of the feeling, its feeling gained social recognition and it became easier for it. He relaxed and conversation went …
difficultly to overestimate the moment of naming of feeling. When we together with someone suddenly find a name to my feeling. This process is followed by pleasure of mutual understanding.
My experience prompts that the most difficult moment in communication - to give the name to feeling which precisely reflects it. to the person the feeling is often difficult to call
Psychologists of such direction as a geshtalterapiya like to ask often such question to the clients or participants of trainings: “What do you feel now?“. Often such direct questions irritate the person. As one woman told:
“I am irritated by this question. If I knew that I feel!.“.
There inside so much, so much, that it is very difficult to be at loss for words, is difficult to describe these experiences.
The fifth and sixth elements - a subject and communication.
Feeling it not in itself, and in some circumstances, in relation to something. Our girlfriend felt guilty before the chief after when flared up.
We can tell “… fault for the irascibility“ or “to wine from - for the irascibility“. Seemingly just changed a pretext pro to a pretext “from - for“. But different communication between feeling and a subject turned out. In one case of people apologizes, the repentance (fault for the irascibility) is felt, in other case he analyzes rather and looks for prichinno - investigative communication (wines from - for the irascibility).
The seventh element of the empatichesky phrase - someone another.
As a rule, feelings, they are not in itself. They appear in relationship with someone another. Feel guilty before the chief, the Homeland, mother, God. This someone can be even not existing person, and some image or the died father, the great-grandfather, or an image of the ideal person, fantastic hero, chief and so on …
By and large to express the understanding of other person, it is not obligatory to follow strictly the scheme of the ideal empatichesky phrase from 7 at all - mi elements. This scheme helps to allocate the key moments in understanding of another and to express the understanding.
The Empatichesky phrase can be from one word, or in the form of a metaphor, comparison with something, or the quote from the poem.
Often the empathy is perceived as the game “guess emotion“ is a mistake.
on television Earlier. Some perceive also empathy. It is a mistake.
Because such relation means that there are standard standard emotions, and any experience of the person can be adjusted to a certain classification. Vasya has a wine, Petya has a shame, Slavik has a wine, Olya has a disappointment, and Ania has an offense. It is not absolutely right as in such approach uniqueness of each person is denied.
Because such relation brings spirit of rivalry, competitiveness supposedly who against whom will win. I will guess emotion? Or he will not allow to guess emotion? And then, when I will guess, I raise hands up, and I shout: “Uraaa! I guessed, I won!“.
Because such relation means that feelings of the person constants that they are not mobile that they do not change. Actually on the contrary. Example. At first I took offense, at Vasya who did not present me “Snickers“, and presented “Mars“ which I do not love, next day I felt absolutely easy offense, and then the offense passed and I felt disappointment as the reasonable person from - that took offense at Vasya earlier.
does not need to be guessed. An empathy essence not in correctly to be at loss for words, or correctly technically to construct the phrase. And in vchuvstvovatsya in a condition of other person that the internal look to see an inner world of other person, to pack richness of this world, the human response into the phrase, gestures, intonation and to inform another.
the Essence of original empathy that I can vchuvstvovatsya in an inner world of other person I can see the world as he sees it, and at the same time I am not dissolved in it, I continue to see the world and with own eyes. Seeing the world eyes of other person, nevertheless, we are oneself, we are not dissolved completely in other person.
The empathy does not mean that I completely accept and I approve behavior of the person or his feeling. But I can get used to its role and see everything as he sees.
Be not afraid to call incorrectly feeling or to misunderstand other person. It is even good when we are not exact for 100%. When there is a distance in understanding, there is a creativity and people follow a way of understanding of each other.