Alcoholic`s wife: to leave or remain?
you are the alcoholic`s wife. Though it is not accepted to confess to it. As well as it is very difficult to alcoholic to admit that he is dependent on alcohol and cannot throw.
You are let in admonitions of yourself: “There now last week did not drink, went to work. Means, not all is lost. It and not the alcoholic at all. Just year at it was given heavy: discharged from office, mother is ill, and he just and for everything worries about all. But if I once again seriously talk to it - he will understand all and will change“.
Rescue drowning …
So, you decided to rescue the husband. You consider its alcoholism as an illness. And in it you are right. Alcoholism is an illness. And in most cases incurable.
But you do not trust in it. Yours - that not absolutely “pyan homeless“, so not all is lost. And you rush on embrasures: you talk about meaning of life, trying to find the answer why he drinks. Answers can be different - a difficult life, the government worse than ever, at work the chief just an animal … It will always be the reasons external. Never the alcoholic admits that the alcoholism reason in him. In that weakness, feeling of own uselessness and an otioseness. “Friends called, here I also got drunk“. Friends are guilty, and it all such in white.
But you still believe that he will be able to throw. Also you attract in talk of the different people or the grown-up children respected by it. The result is unfavourable. You abuse it, threaten with divorce. It continues.
Passes one or two years, or perhaps and decades. Time goes, only it becomes worse. If earlier he drank on holidays, then now - each day off and on weekdays too. He is expelled from the next work, and he … “just the person of no character, cannot get it together“.
You buy drugs and secretly mix to it. He does not drink any time, and then breaks again and medicine ceases to affect it.
You persuade him to be coded. He avoids from it like the plague and drinks - drinks - drinks … Or agrees, but then failure again. Terrible, to delirium tremens … And you understand that it is time to put an end. Because it will not change. Though …
Miracles happen. In extremely exceptional cases the alcoholic finds forces to cope with the weakness. Or “is successfully coded“. If you see that your spouse actually recovered - do not torment him past. You do not exhaust reproaches. Forgive everything that was, and live with the world.
And grudges it for me
When the person gets sick, he is treated and in most cases recovers. And all want to recover as soon as possible. The alcoholic does not want to recover . It is pleasant to it that with it here “nyankatsya“ so, care for it. Yes, the wife will scold, and then behind a small bottle on an opokhmelka runs. And then will also regret what it is unfortunate. At the same time he will accuse in every way her that it such - syaky and from - for it he drinks.
So make a good deed - relieve it of yourself. And you do not blame yourself at all for the fact that he becomes an inveterate drunkard. If him stopped loving, let have courage to admit and file honestly for divorce, but not to hide behind a glass.
It is accepted to feel sorry for alcoholics. Only it does not help. You consider it weak, worthy pity. And to these only you warm up its unconscious (or realized) feeling of own lameness. Think of the spouse in a different way - he strong and it is his choice. He is the adult capable to live the life as wants. And if its choice - alcoholism, at you is not present other exit how to accept this choice. Because each of us is responsible only for own life and for own soul.
Yes, it is accepted to rescue lost souls of husbands - drunkards. And you thought of the soul? And you remember souls of the children?
You the free woman who is able to choose the course of life independently. A way which is pleasant to you. You made everything to help the husband. You honestly touched all options of rescue. But to dispose of destiny of other, though very loved one, you cannot. You cannot force it to want to throw. And therefore it is better to leave that … to remain. To remain the person, the personality, but not the victim living in dread and dependence on its “schedule“ of hellbenders.
Think what the father - the alcoholic will give to your children? What example will set? You are not afraid for the daughter yet - the teenager when she houses, and in kitchen the father`s drinking companions?
If all this is not pleasant to you, find courage to file the application for divorce. Yes, it is difficult. Especially, when many years are together lived. Especially, when these years were happy. But you have no other exit. If, of course, you do not want to become sozavisimy and to offer all life and health on its “rescue“.
Steps to new life
1. At the rare sober moment of the husband you quietly report to him that if it not to stop drinking, you file for divorce. Choose for yourself convenient date, for example, the beginning of the next holiday. Designate date of filing of application red on a calendar and mentally train yourself that you will have no way to retreat. Do not recede from this date at all!
2. He still drinks. In the planned date you quietly go to the REGISTRY OFFICE or to court and specify details of divorce proceedings. You submit the application.
3. You part or at mutual desire, or only in your opinion through court. You divide property, you decide with whom to leave children. On all this time leaves. But you do not lose it, you look for suitable exchange.
4. You parted. Now on court you are free. You change phone, you move to the new apartment and you begin new life.
The woman who resolved to hang out with the husband - the alcoholic, will surely finish this question. And from my point of view, she deserves respect. Because it is terrible. Any divorce is terrible, and divorce with not always adequate husband - doubly.
Yes, you will remain one. With children if they are. Yes, you will have no beautiful facade of a close-knit full family any more. But you have no full close-knit family any more long ago. And you will become much quieter, you will have no reason for hysterics, you will sigh a free breast! At last, there will be time for the education of children which was earlier spent for dismantling with your man. You will be able to look good and not to be afraid that your spouse will suspect change. You will become other person!
Yes, you can hope only for yourself and for the salary. If the spouse - the drunkard also earned something, then to be left without his contribution to the family budget quite easily. You only count economy from not bought bottles, the next miracle drugs and doctors. Plus - it any more will be able to drag off nothing from the house and you should not be afraid that he will forget to close a door to the apartment. Do not hesitate to address for material support relatives, perhaps, at first they will be able to help you.
Yes, you will change living conditions and, most likely, for the worse. But nevertheless surely exchange housing! Even if you will be able to be exchanged only for two tiny rooms, it will be much better, than to live together in a big two-room flat. Move to other area as it is possible further from the ex-husband. Try not to tell him the new address, not to be crossed with it at mutual friends. You need time to heal wounds. Why all this is so important? Yes because your spouse in the years lived with you by heart learned what buttons it is necessary to press to receive required. Whether it be bottle or your hysterics. And until you daily see it - it will be very difficult to you to change the compassionate attitude towards him.
Yes, you will be a lonely woman. It does not mean that at once after divorce it is necessary to run to look for the new man. There is a chance to step on an old rake. Live, work, communicate, find a hobby. Give yourself the chance just to have a rest. You do not reproach with the fact that everything could be corrected, but so many mistakes … are made by
That is made, made. There is no ideal in life. Forgive the spouse, wish him good and forces. Do not savor offense, do not torment yourself. Turn this page and enjoy life further. Perhaps in general it will not want to you in marriage any more.