Crises of the relations: how to keep a family and to prolong feeling of romantic love? Part 1
Why, apparently, usual household quarrel comes to an end with family scandal? Why the loving husband and the father suddenly deserts a family and leaves?
About the reasons of problems and dissonances in family life is told by the family psychologist Yulia Sergeyevna Metelskaya. And though, she says, there are no general scenarios according to which the family relations are under construction, to reveal typical problems with the consequences following from them everything is it is possible.
- At interaction of different persons, different traditions and educational systems there are always contradictions. People grew in different families, they have different characters, a different inner world, sexual distinctions including. The hackneyed phrase “Joint life - a hard work“ is familiar to all. Work on, on the relations, here just by the way. The conflict opens contradictions between partners. And the solution of the arisen contradictions demands efforts, readiness to interact, discuss and analyze.
When we speak about the family relations, it is necessary to allocate several aspects: matrimonial relations; relations with primary family, that is with the parents; detsko - the parental relations. All this subsystems of one system of a family. And that the system functioned effectively and is coped, the balance of all elements has to be debugged.
Everyone has the right Another
of the Problem of the first year of life of a family to be connected with the fact that people begin to live in uniform space. Material, household, psychological, emotional. There is a grinding in. And not always partners are ready to it. When we meets the person, we see a certain image, sometimes we create this image. The amendments are introduced also by love. The image of the partner is idealized, and some parties of darling are ignored.
And in joint life the partner reveals, we learn his habits which can be unpleasant. It is found out that another not such what it was imagined at a love stage, at a stage of development of the relations. And there is a feeling of irritation, disappointment, offense and even rage.
Council. the Success of overcoming of the arising conflicts depends on a personal maturity. The maturity assumes understanding that other person - it is valid Another, with the habits and features. It is necessary to learn to accept and love another as Another. The person has to be ripened so to manage to leave the illusions. And if there is no internal readiness if the person did not ripen for the relations if he is egocentric, selfish if he wants that life was under construction only according to his plans and imaginations, it will not be able to accept other person. And the love in this case a basis of marriage will not become. The love can be the biggest, but if there is no understanding that it is necessary to accept the person it what he business is, the relations can lead to a gap.
However, there are families in which the relations is under construction as sadomasochist. One dictates, the second submits, tries to adapt, losing the I, losing the identity to be with another. It is unhealthy type of the relations. It can be even rather resistant in time, but such relations on the fan.
Departure of the Great lady
the Next crisis period in the family relations arises three years later. Romantic love with excessive idealization of object, its idolization, intensity of emotions and emotions when people cannot live without each other leaves. Men find out that near them not the goddess, but the ordinary woman. And women understand that nearby not the knight, but the ordinary man with the weaknesses. There is a problem further: when losing romantic love what to do is farther?
Many consider that if people do not endure romantic feelings to each other any more, then there is no love, and marriage should not be. But it not so. There is other feeling, feeling of deep love and attachment. If the person to such type of love is not capable, then after the period of romantic love he is disappointed in object and begins to look for other romantic love. At the same time the person can remain in marriage for different reasons: call of duty, children, joint property. But it is already conventional attitudes.
There is such type of men who at once find out that the real woman falls short of their ideal, and begin to look for following. The woman has a disappointment too: “I for it stopped being an ideal, so he does not love me, it has no admiration, worship. Means, I will look for other man who again in me will see an ideal, to worship and admire“.
Council. Actually romantic love in culture was not assumed as a marriage basis. It arose as love of the knight to the great lady. The romantic love was Platonic. Gradually in culture focus was shifted, and the romantic love began to be considered as a reason for creation of a family. And further it began to be considered by nearly only basis of marriage.
However the romantic love has the negative sides. At least because it by all means passes as it is constantly impossible to live in intensity of emotions on 1000 volts. This period lasts at most three years. Idealization collapses. And if people insufficiently personally of a zrela to build up other, real relationship, the family can collapse. Therefore it is worth understanding that the real woman and the real man are not obliged to correspond to someone`s internal ideals.
My internal ideal of an opposite sex - my imagination, it has to be in me, and this ideal has no relation to real people.