Self-confidence. How to cease to depend on foreign opinion?
Should be begun with the fact that people in general are very dependent unlike representatives of fauna. For example, human cubs after the others become independent as physically, and in respect of adoption of own decisions. The second important aspect - in each family very much differently treat freedom, an opportunity to express the thoughts.
From there is a question: who and why it becomes dependent on foreign opinion?
The first : in the childhood our opinion was seldom asked in general - to us bought things, toys, drove us in theaters, zoos, without asking.
And most often the child is given the chance to express the opinion already only at teenage age. More precisely, the child himself wins this opportunity. And then parents feel shock, are frightened and dump everything on awkward age. Though the teenager at this moment just states that it had all this time inside.
The second . Parents often express the opinion on the child`s acquaintances, thereby letting know: “create such circle of contacts to be accepted for important to you people“. It is known that for the child mother and the father - paramount and ideal people.
While the child for the first time wants to show independence when he for the first time gets up on legs or when wishes to escape on other half of the yard, mothers are not ready to give it such responsibility. At the same time sometimes it is possible to hear also such phrase: “You run on pools again? Mother does not love you when you so do“. What result? “That I was loved, it is necessary to do as the person, important for me will tell“. And then in many years adults realize that all life they “deserved“ love and a good attitude from people dear to them.
Still those who in the childhood were abused for mistakes much are dependent on foreign opinion. The words of abuse told at the same time are very well pressed in a brain, and the child transfers the behavior to adulthood. A result - “it is better to make as speak, then at least will not abuse“.
“Listen to mother, mother of bad will not advise“, - whether you sometime heard this phrase? If yes - you can be sure: roots of your uncertainty in themselves and dependence on foreign opinion go from the childhood.
It “listen to mother“ responds in the child`s head so: “Only opinion of mother the best and useful. All other opinions can do much harm to me“. And sometimes it turns out so that he till forty years in everything asks council of mother. And not only asks, but also acts this way.
Such people are often subject to revolts at adult age. They can throw everything, change a job, the city, to finish successfully begun business. But without the permission of an internal contradiction in “new“ life there will be same things - having got out of dependence on one people, people right there becomes dependent on opinion of others. Often such “crushed“ men find to themselves imperious wives.
What is done by the person who for the first time realized the dependence on foreign opinion? “Urgently, urgently to cease to listen to foreign opinion!“ - he says. But as a result not only ceases to hear foreign opinion, it also does everything on the contrary. And it not own opinion, this furious contradiction to any other opinion.
What to do? It is enough about it the nobility. And if now you work on self-confidence and you feel attacks when there is a wish to make somehow, but not as someone speaks, know: you have this period of denial now. It is important to remember that it is normal and to try to soften it.
The following stage - to learn to hear in opinions of other people useful information for itself . For this purpose it is necessary to begin work on itself in the most different directions. I will give several exercises:
Exercise 1. Choose some movie or the book about which all tell now, that very famous. Watch or read this movie or the book and make the personal accurate opinion. Answer for yourself: what was pleasant and that did not mention.
Then choose several close to you people and tell them about this book or the movie. Listen, ask, learn their opinion and surely sound the. If suddenly you encounter resistance, find a way to defend the opinion. After a while repeat process with other movie or the book.
Exercise 2. Remember the last one or two weeks in the life. How many times you agreed with opinion of other person, without thinking of the opinion? Think and write down. What it led to? Reflect on it.
Next moment very important. Wonder: what my purposes in life? For a month, for a year, for five years. You have an answer to this question now? Or not is more whole? Or they are, but they are “not“?
Why it is so important? If the person has no purposes, there is no line, there is no structure; if the person cannot understand whether what he sees is necessary to him now or does, then it becomes very simple to follow foreign opinion.
Exercise 3. Sit down and write down the purposes for the different periods of life. Or at least be defined what you want from the future. First can be difficult to prescribe the purpose, especially, if you never did it earlier.
Exercise 4. One of the most important stages at development of the opinion is an ability to speak “No“. You are able to speak “no“?
How to learn to do it? Begin with the situations not really important for you. It can be personal meeting with the girlfriend or a trip for lunch to parents. Begin to speak to people “no“. For example: “In how many we will meet? Perhaps in 6?“. Tell: “there is no , give in 7“. That is at the first stage you speak “no“ in trifles which anything in general do not influence.
If it is heavy to you to tell “no“ words, you speak in writing. For example, if you agree about a meeting, tell that specify the plans and you will write to the interlocutor of SMS. Sometimes it is simpler to write. Do not despair if it does not turn out from the first. There is a mass of the psychological reasons for which it is very heavy to person to tell “No“. It is an occasion to address the expert for individual work. But it is worth trying.
Exercise 5. Take a break. If you cannot quickly understand this or that situation, tell: “I will think“, and already then in a quiet situation, without pressure, you will be able to understand, there is a wish to agree to you with the proposal of the interlocutor or not. But regardless of your decision, you will precisely know: this decision is made deliberately, after careful consideration, without pressure.
Exercise 6. Train the ability to communicate, expand the circle of acquaintances. Than more at you will be experience of communication, the more the points of view you will hear, the quicker will understand that different opinions an uncountable set and to rely on some one of them - irrationally. And to rely on everyone - also it is physically impossible.
In parallel use for calm and moral stability the corporal Grounding equipment and keep the Diary of success, it will help to cultivate self-confidence.