What to us prevents to build the harmonious relations? Mutual claims of
What is a claim? This discontent with behavior of other person. Attempt to impose it the ideas of life, the relations, feelings.
The claim as if speaks: “I better you know how you need to arrive in this situation“, or: “You have to do as I told because I consider so, but not differently“, “Feel and wish as I consider it necessary“.
At the same time does not matter at all as the person to whom it is turned thinks or considers. It is necessary to make as speak to you, and all here. Thus the victim is forbidden to solve independently as well as what to do to him as to it to live and as to it to arrive as to it to treat everything and what to feel.
And while a claim is made, her author absolutely also is sincerely confident in the correctness and that it is very easy to fulfill requirements: “It is possible to it (to me it is necessary the trifle... make here so, but not differently, and all)“, - and considers that it is ready to a compromise. However the compromise is excluded by the fact of a strict requirement.
The most interesting that in the considered relations there are unambiguously no forwards and victims. Roles are constantly interchanged the position. Today it saws it for the fact that did not get paid in time (received a little, spent a half, etc.) . And tomorrow it lectures it for the fact that stayed with the girlfriend while the husband has to be fed and humoured.
Happens that in the relations she or he is psychologically stronger. Then the strongest inevitably begins to press the leadership, the authority. Weak becomes reserved (otherwise in such relations you will not hold on). Abstracts, silently carries out (or does not fulfill) requirements of the soulmate. From outside can seem that in a family everything developed successfully. Couple is capable in such state even safely to hold on to an old age. But none of them will test the real, entire happiness …
In the relations I adhered to a position: if the person wants to be near me, he has to carry out my desires, correspond to me. And differently as it is possible to be with me? From this, as a rule, the set of claims which followed from ideas of how has to followed behave my beloved.
“Here to me it is bad, and he did not regret me“, “He did not earn enough money“, “He did not congratulate me on a holiday“ etc. Claims, naturally, were mutual. Quarrels which wanted to be reduced or made not such painful followed from claims. And it was “natural“ process of forming of the relations. And sometimes thoughts came: “Perhaps, it is not my person?“. As it appeared in practice, versions of the events did not reflect the main thing.
How it is possible to accuse the person of unwillingness exactly here and now to pay you attention? It means to impose itself. Whether it is fair to make a claim to darling that he wanted to communicate to friends? It means to specify to it with whom, how and when it is necessary to spend time! At the same time it is considered that my understanding is more important than its understanding. From what it?
Why the personality to whom the requirement, as a rule, is turned refuses performance this? Yes because claims and requirements break inviolable personal space! It is pleasant to whom when for it all solve and dictate as to it to live! Who will agree on demand (even if darling or darling), constantly to go against itself, to arrive as He (she) solved, to think how He (she) solved?
And that feeling of “harm“ which arises every time when from us something is categorically demanded is still remembered. It seems that you will not do anything because you are not accepted it what you are of the principle... Remember at least one person who likes claims? Such is not present! So why someone decided that darling of a claim likes be pleasant and will be apprehended as natural, normal option of the course of events? Any uncompromising requirement involves the conflict!
And if you do not want that claims addressed you, learn not to turn them to others. And then or you will replace an environment (with that which does not impose impracticable requirements), or an environment will change to you the relation.
Lack of claims is realized through ability to accept itself and others such what they are. What is it and as acceptance is realized in practice? I will tell later.